Friday, November 05, 2010

Life Cycles and 500 Feral Macaque Monkeys In Heat

Life Cycles is good, definitely the closest thing to Koyaanisqatsi: Life Out of Balance, I've ever seen in a mountain bike film, both in a visual and auditory way. But I'm not sure I want too much Koyaanisqatsi mixed in with my mountain biking. A little bit is alright, but throw in too much Koyaanisqatsi and you've got an unwatchable, arty, piece of crap.

What does the above photo have to do with Koyaanisqatsi...I mean Life Cycles? First off, why do I keep linking to Koyaanisqatsi? Well, because I can't spell Koyaanisqatsi to save my f—in' life, so it's way easier to just cut and paste the already linked word. I'm not being clever, it's not that I've linked each, individual one to some random (probably illegal Belgian midget porn) site...except maybe that last one there.

Koyaanisqatsi: Life Out of Cycles. That's what they should have called the film.

So ya, the picture. I'm covering the Cyclesmart International Cyclocross race in North-AMP-ton on Sunday. Mr. Cyclingdirt himself, Colt "45 It Works Every Time" McElwaine dropped his pretty pimped out Jeep at my house so I could get out to western, Mass. It was pissing rain earlier tonight so I opted to take the Jeep to the theater for the premier of Life Cycles (that we will eventually get down to talking about...someday). That, is my "I'm driving Colt's car like Kowalski" face. It's the same face I'll be using while I'm getting sweet footie of the races at CSI (that's what they call Cyclesmart International) by driving Colt's Trail Rated Jeep all over Look Park, chasing racers around the course, making sure to run down lapped riders who fall victim to the 80% rule.

There just isn't enough Death Race 2000 (Carradine, not Statham) in modern cyclocross. And for that matter, there's never been close to enough Commando: The Musical in cyclocross. Shoot, that one deserves an embed.

Thanks Unlikely Words

I don't think there's much we can do about all that, but, all I know is that if I were Adam Myerson and I were running CSI, I would run the scale-model train they have at Look Park DURING the race...and I would fill it with feral macaque monkeys in heat...and douse the riders with buckets of macaque monkey pheromones...and just see what happened. But, of course, I'm not Adam Myerson, I don't have 2500 Facebooks friends, most of whom I have not only met in real life but totally boned (even the elderly heterosexual men and lesbians), so I don't get to make calls like that. Or, in his case: texts like that.

"Hi, itz Jazzy. I'd lIk 2 ordr 500 feral macaque munkEz n heat
& 40 gallons of macaque pheromones."

But Life Cycles was gorgeous, not without serious problems, that require serious talking about... but I think I'm going to quit while I'm ahead, and do a post 100% dedicated to actually talking about Life Cycles in real life later...perhaps later today even.

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