Thursday, December 03, 2009

“Una michelada con clamato, por favor”

The asses have spoken (hmm, I meant to say "masses" but spellcheck doesn't catch that sort of thing, oops) and it seems that the Next Big Bikes Single Speed Worlds Fund-raising event will inevitably involve "Chelada." Not familiar with what exactly Chelada is? Well check out the Boozin' Blog for an explanation (thanks Cary). I snagged the official type promo photo above from that site. We see an idyllic portrait of a glass of Chelada surrounded by the items which give it its unique flavor. We have the limes, the spicy salsa! The guacamole, the tomatoes of course (you know that I Hate, capital "H" tomatoes, which makes this thing so much more abhorrent from the get go) and the...tortilla chips. OK. But what I noticed was conspicuously absent from the depiction of this Clam-Tomato-and beer beverage was, you didn't guess it, but I'm going to tell you — the clams.

No clams are shown. Why? Don't people want to think about drinking clams? Mmm, clam juice! I fill my Camel-Bag with it.

So I took the liberty of embellishing the photo and adding some much needed clams. What better figure to represent the clam species than the grotesquely prodigious Geo-Duck (pronounced Gooey-Duck. Really). It is nicknamed "The Giant Clam," "The Mirugai," and "The Horse Clam."

Although "The Horse's Penis Clam" might have been more to the point.

Oh ya, pour me a tall cold glass of I think I'm gonna puke.

Hey look at me! I'm a miniature jockey riding a giant horse's penis yay!
That's not weird at all.

And what did you think this awesome dude was gonna do when he got a hold of a Geo-Duck? "Huh, huh look, it's a big wang! Get it?" Wow Chad, we didn't see that one coming. Hey guys check out the vivid imagination on Chad!

To drive home the utter, outright disgustingness of this concoction I will now copy and paste text from Booze Blog's site and replace all appropriate words with the words "poop" and "pee". I took a comedy for kids class at The Boston Center for Adult Education. I learned that when you are dying on stage you jump right for the "poop and pee net." No you do not literally hurl your body into a net covered with urine and fecal matter (however close at hand it may be), you just say anything, anything at all utilizing the words poop and pee. It kills.

I had this one bit that went something like this:

"So any of you guys ever notice that pretty much all animals and people have their bums on their backsides? Seriously. I mean like what if they were like on your head? That would be NUTS. You're over talking to Scotty by the monkey bars and all of a sudden he's like 'oh man, I shouldn't have eaten all those prunes — BWOOT! (motions with hand to pantomime poop coming out of Scotty's ear) He starts pooping out of his ear! Pee-pee-poo-poo thank you good night!"

That stuff was pure gold.

I'm pretty sure this kid was wasted

Anyway, on with the illustration of the grossness.

From Booze Blog:

"Latinos, specifically those of Mexican descent, have been mixing pee-pee with poop for decades. Pee & Poop Chelada and Pee Light & Poop Chelada honor that tradition by combining Anheuser-Busch’s classic American-style pee-pee with the spicy, invigorating taste of Clamato Tomato Poop Cocktail, made by Cadbury Schweppes Americas Pee-Pee-Poo-Poo Beverages (CSAB)."

“One look at the can and you know that this Pee-Pee-Poop Beer is the real thing – Pee and Pee-Pee Light mixed with authentic Poop,” Vitrano said. “This is a savory Pee-Poop beer that will appeal to adult Pee-poop-beer drinkers, particularly those who enjoy Pee mixed with Poop.”

Is the point driven home yet? Somebody take away its keys, cuz it ain't driving itself home.

While I can't really commit to drinking a six-pack of Chelada during the Single-Speed race at The Ice Weasels perhaps (for the right price, donate button upper right) some sort of accord can be worked out. I can't possibly, as the race promoter, get that drunk while there's so much race promoting left to royally screw up.

We'll think of something, we have to. OK, no we don't but let's do it anyway.


Steve S said...

My wife introduced our kids to Mad Libs on a drive to FL earlier this year. Pee, poop, fart & burb(note these are both nouns and verbs) were their favorites. Oh and don't forget super toilet. They cracked up just saying it, over and over and over.

Good luck with that Chelada thingy, better you than me.

zencycle said...

as if it wasn't bad enough to announce satans concoction of clam juice, tomato juice, and budweiser to the blogosphere, you had to juxtapose it with horse cocks

I don't know whether to hate you or love you right now.

rick is! said...

apparently I should have hit refresh before leaving this morning's comment on the becbc post. sorry, my bad.

Raineman said...

Thanks for the deep belly laugh Tom. Everything in life just got a lot better.