Monday, January 03, 2011

Ambien And Beer


The other night, I'm home alone, my wife has been in the hospital for a few days, I haven't slept at all, and I'm beginning to unravel. Me unraveling is a scary prospect; I've never been that raveled to begin with. Determined to get a decent night's sleep, I decide to take one of M's Ambien...and wash it down with a bomber of Sierra Nevada 30th Anniversary (9.2% alcohol by volume). I've often wondered why
my wife falls asleep like this:


And that's on Ambien alone. (I keep a stash of these photos as blackmail material.)

I take the Ambien, I hang out on the couch drinking a beer, unfortunately I write a blog post:


People on Twitter probably thought I was joking, but I wasn't. That's the nice thing about being full of shit nearly 100% of the time — you can always claim you were kidding or making crazy crap up.

The Job Interview

Job interviewer dude: So what's this I saw on Twitter about taking Ambien and drinking beer, do you make a habit of it?

Me: Well, ya see...I'm actually a character on Twitter...and my blog...and sometimes in person.

Job interviewer dude: Wow, that sounds healthy, you are totally hired!

Me: Really?

Job interviewer dude: No you dumbass. I was just playing a character, who is an idiot, who would actually hire a freakshow like you.

Me: I do that too! We have so much in common. You wanna go out for a beer?

Job interviewer dude: Yes, absolutely, we should do that.

Me: Really?

Job interviewer dude: No. Not really. Dumbass.

So I write the blog post, do some prep for the next morning (fill the teakettle for the french press etc.) then I go to bed. I decide that I'm not really all that sleepy, so I start watching a relaxing movie on my laptop called "Paranormal Activity" that involves a lot of things going bump in the night and phantom shadows being cast on the wall.

A little while later I start hearing noises outside the bedroom, like real "there is someone in my house" noises outside the bedroom. I get up, look around for a potential weapon to assault the intruder with (I grabbed a small, lightweight trash can) and open the door. "Who's there? HELLO!" (If my neighbors were up, they definitely heard this.) The noise is coming from the kitchen, so I peak my head in to see that the burner under the teakettle is on full blast and the element is red hot. I shut it off and begin to search for something more substantial to defend myself with. My pull up bar looks substantial, so I pull the cotter pins out and proceed to scour my house for burglars, holding the two pipes from the pull up bar like an eight-year-old playing ninja assassin.

After a thorough search of the entire house, including the basement, I determine that the house is "clean," I lock the basement and bedroom doors (not normal) and go back to bed.

I was so out of it, it didn't occur to me until the next morning, that I had turned the burner on absentmindedly when I filled the teakettle. What's more astonishing than that is that I went to bed thinking someone had just come inside my house and turned the burner on. Apparently, in my Ambien and beer haze, I was okay with that.


M's revenge: me falling asleep while reading Bike Snob NYC's book. The book really isn't that boring. I would have fallen asleep during a bucking bronco ride in the state I was in.

Looking for a bike story? I wrote a little one over on the 29er Crew blog.

7 comments:

dougyfresh said...

yeah. don't watch that movie late at night.

were you on ambien and Sierra Nevada when you wrote that FB post? haha


I rode to work today. sweet! posting from my fone since I can't read big bikes on the work comp.

Emily said...

Mandy and I were just saying yesterday we wished you would get back to posting more. Except... well, don't hurt yourself, man.

Nathaniel said...

You are not normal, but you know this already. Poor Thom, I don't know how you do what you do while being intoxicated by sleep deprivation all the time, but you somehow manage and that is PRO!

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superfred said...

Shit... hope your wife is ok. Read your post "I'm still here" and all I can say is keep stumbling... I like reading the words you trip over.

ambien said...

Supposedly... I have been very argumentative with my husband. I think its because I am ready for bed by 930, but he stays up til after 11p.Tough for me to get back to sleep..and I cant really remember the argument or what I said. Hmmm!Other than apossible divorce, Im happy with Ambien!

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