Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Frame Building Videos: Like Porn For Men Without Penises



Not a title I could have used on one of my BikeRumor posts. Unless I wanted to get fired. I guess going into jobs with the intent of getting fired worked for Ricky Gervais with his Golden Globes hosting gigs. But me, I gotta play it safe. For instance, I pulled punches on the "PiCycle" electric "bike" post. Of course I hadn't yet seen the video below where the creepy cartoon Xtranormal woman talks about her coworkers thinking she was "using her pants as a potty" because she rode to work on a bike that actually required her to put out some effort, which resulted in a sweaty bum-bum.



"PiCycle: Because real bikes make it look like you've pissed yourself!"

And I put "bike" in quotation marks back there because this thing is not a bike; it's an electric scooter with pedals. There are those who say that the term "marriage" should only be applied to the statistically-destined-to-fail-union of a man and a woman, and that gay marriages should be called "civil unions." I know how they feel — my main issue with electric "bikes" is terminology. Call them bikes and next thing you know, they'll be flying down bike paths, mowing down toddlers and puppies at 25 mph. Call them electric pedal-assisted scooters and then people won't be so tempted to ride them on bike paths, or down sidewalks, and if they do, they will be arrested and hopefully Tased. 

Stop calling these scooters "electric bikes" and I'll stop hatin' on them. Sort of like the civil union crowd will stop hating gay people if they don't call their marriages "marriages." 

Why I didn't use any of that material on BikeRumor, I have no idea.

And now...some photos.


As I may have mentioned, I have started a mobile bicycle repair service. Above you will see a before photo of Big Bikes Mobile Bike Repair World Headquarters. It doesn't look like that anymore, but I forgot to edit the after photo, so you'll have to use your imagination. Just imagine lots of diamond plate and orange shag carpet. It's a nice time to get your bike worked on, wherever you take it. The bike mechanics, they give your bike extra-special love in the boring winter time. That was a hint.


There's another kids bike donation in the works over at International Bike. I hobbled my crippled ass out to Newton through the slush today, to assess the masses of kids bikes in the attic. A stop at The Coffee Corner is obligatory. I hadn't been there in so long, the owner had forgotten my drink. Which reminded me of every time I've been to a Starbucks.


And speaking of coffee hashish...oh, we weren't speaking of coffee hashish? Why not? While cleaning up Big Bikes Mobile Bike Repair Command Center of The Universe, I found this ancient mug of coffee. Do you realize the street value of that shit?


The Ferrous, A.K.A. Dunderchee, is looking kind of "Lone Wolf" (to use the BSNYC idiom) these days. With its Toby Henderson front fender, Topeak X-Blade rear fender, and its seven blinky lights, it really has a — What? You want me to talk about the SEVEN FUCKING BLINKY LIGHTS? Whatever for? Isn't that 100% normal. It really is...for a Lone Wolf.

The Bike Snob talks about The Lone Wolf's bike:

"It will feature some aberrant element that make's it clear it's a Lone Wolf's bike. If its a road bike, that element might be giant gel saddle and a suspension seatpost. If it's a dual suspension mountain bike, that element will probably be a pair of slick tires or an abundance of rear view mirrors."
The book is a good read, but that Lone Wolf bit got to me — I know that guy.  I know several of those guys. And more to the point, today I was that guy. Riding around on my mountain bike with its fenders and seven blinky lights. But the blinky lights I can explain. I'm testing some Taiwanese Owleye lights for BikeRumor. I mounted them all up to see how the brackets work and then pretty much said "fuck it" and left them on there for kicks.

That guy in the photo, looking at my bike like he wants to kick it to death like a mildly annoying Pekingese? That's Dan. It just dawned on me today that one can replace the word "man" in any song with the word "Dan." To think of all the time I spent working with Dan, not annoying him by serenading him with songs like "Dan Eater," "Piano Dan," "Magic Dan," and "Iron Dan."


Oh, and this is related to things I've been talking about!

Saturday I went to brunch at Renee's in Teele Square, Somerville with my niece, she had the cocoa.  The real Colin Reuter was there with a date. My sister and I were trying to get Lyla to go up to Colin and say either "you're cute" or "are you my daddy?" As if Benderboy hasn't taken enough abuse lately.



If you're still here, then you should go here this Saturday, the 29th (did I get that right Zen?). You gotta buy your tickets online by Thursday, as in tomorrow. I won't be able to go, but that only gives you more incentive to do so. You don't want to sit behind me at the movies.



And now, a little song to take us out:
"Oh no no no I’m a rocket Dan
Rocket Dan burning out his fuse up here alone"

6 comments:

Colin R said...

I cannot catch a break around here.

Big Bikes said...

Ricky Gervais makes fun of Tom Cruise; I make fun of you.

You are my Tom Cruise.

dougyfresh said...

who's Tom Cruise? You mean those two women on YouTube imitating him?



WV: demero. aka: demi-pro

Victory!

zencycle said...

yeah, you got the date right, and now I know it's safe to go....

Anonymous said...

Porn for men wouldn't have penises anyway. It would have ladies. Or, are you saying the men don't have penises???

Big Bikes said...

From what I've read, and heard on NPR, porn for men has plenty of penises. Be it Gay or straight. Much like centaur porn has horse penises.

"But you've got to remember that, at some point, there's gonna be a horse penis in there."

- t