Yesterday I described how I partook in a fake Twitter campaign that literally destroyed Colin Reuter's life (or at least caused him to have a really, really awkward conversation with his mom). Today we have Colin's reaction to my attempted destruction of his life via misogynistic, drunkenly affected tweets.
But first! This yammering.
Now here's the problem: The interview was conducted over Gmail Chat. I rarely use gmail chat, and when I do, I'm generally not having conversations with dudes who type as fast as Herman Li from Dragonforce plays guitar — I got dropped like Andy Schleck's chain in Stage 15 of the 2010 Tour De France. That's what happens when the guy who basically owns the internet tries to e-converse with someone as e-gnorant as myself.
One time Colin tried to explain the internet to me...
Colin: Parsons! The Internet is not something that you just dump something on. It's not a big truck. It's a series of tubes...
Me: (Cutting Colin off before he can finish) "I learned all I needed to know about the internet from The Matrix." *
Some of the words I put into Fake Colin Reuter's mouth were pretty harsh, but you know what? @colinreuter would have put something pretty harsh into my mouth too if he got the chance.
Sorry, couldn't help myself.
OK, now really — you know what? Colin's life could be worse: a.) he could be Rahm Emanuel and b.) He could have a fake Twitter account in his name like Rahm Emanuel does. Fake Colin Reuter ain't got shit on Fake Rahm Emanuel. Seriously:
See, Twitter isn't just some place where people write shit like "Tough day in the cubicle," and then link to a photo of themselves at the fucking beach. OK, it's mostly that, but it can also be AWESOME.
And now, without further yammering, we bring you Colin Reuter's reaction to this whole sordid affair.
9:03 PM me: Dude, so you wanna talk about the time I pretended to be a misogynistic, frat boy, you on Twitter and how it made your mom think you were a scumbag?
Colin: uh, no, i don't really
i want to bury that memory
me: Really, nothing?
Colin: like the body of the old woman i hit in the snow last week
9:04 PM me: My plan is to make your mom hate me more than you.
Colin: my mom bought it hook, line and sinker, and spent 48 hours losing her shit
before she called me
me: Oh god you type fast.
Colin: i use all my fingers
me: Before she even talked to you?
Colin: this chimp is evolved
me: I'm just using my middle fingers.
9:05 PMAre you really not talking about this? You, the guy who broke up with you girlfriend on Twitter and Blogger?
9:06 PM Colin is not typing...
Colin: uh, yeah
me: OK, now he is.
Colin: i mean, sometimes i need to let things out to get over them
sometimes i don't ever need to relive the most awkward conversation of my life with my mom
this is the latter.
me: So let it out, what did your mom say?
Colin: no dude.
9:07 PM find something else to blog about
shit blog about (censored)
me: But she gets it now right, or did you have to explain what Twitter was to begin with?
Colin: she gets it.
she follows me on twitter now
9:08 PM me: Was she baffled as to why your prick-friends would think such a stunt was funny?
she was more baffled that i would let that shit stay on the internet, where people could think it was me
which is a valid point
me: So she knows you're friends with pricks like me and...some other dudes who shall remain unnamed.
9:09 PM Colin: i didn't name anyone
kevin and cary.
me: I guess it drives home the visibility of Twitter, which I think a lot of us forget.
9:10 PM Colin: yup.
me: I take most of the blame though.
Colin: like it's funny, if you know the backstory and know it's a joke
otherwise it's horrible
and assuming that everyone knows it's a joke is a really dumb assumption
that i made
me: Did anyone else fall for it?
Colin: i have no idea.
9:11 PM me: So are you going to refrain from being at all "blue" on the Twitter from now on?
me: Crass, sweary, crude...
yeah i dunno
9:12 PM but i dunno, it's food for thought
me: Next time you won't be able to pawn it off on a "fake" you.
me: Good thing it's gone forever right?
Colin: except google has a cache.
9:13 PM but yes, in theory.
Hopefully my blog post will clear things up, make me look like a douche, and then you can show that to potential employers...and your mom.
9:14 PM Colin: so you took screenshots of it all before you took it down, huh?
Colin: hopefully this gchat has given you some soundbites to work with as well
me: The cat's out of the bag, I just want to clear up who let it out
9:15 PM Colin: i mean, i'm pretty sure that sending my mom a blog post centered around how she fell for a joke isn't gonna make her feel better.
9:16 PM me: Hey, it happened to Sarah Palin with those Canadian DJs...
Colin: true. my mom would love to be compared to sarah palin.
OH WAIT NO SHE WOULDN'T
anyway i'm just busting your balls, but i'm not showing her your blog post.
9:17 PM me: I think anyone looking on from outside would have fallen for it. I bet a lot of people think all those Landises are real, and that DRUNKHULK guy.
People think he's the real Hulk.
me: It's not the speed that's killing me here, it's the accuracy. Colin: (Censored)
me: Serves me right for gchatting with a internet-ninja
Colin: (Censored some more)
oops premature return
Dude, you're worse than Chandler, so much unusable material.
Colin: that's your probem, not mine
9:20 PM (and...censored and censored).
me: Poems and verse
9:21 PM Alright, I'll leave you alone now, seriously sorry my actions made you seriously sweat.
Colin: (To mock my snail's pace typing speed, Colin rapidly taps out an entirely crude semi-pornographic limerick, that could easily be the work of fake Colin Reuter.)
me: Very nice.
Colin: made up on the fly and 100% accurate.
9:22 PM me: That is a poem about fucking
Colin: look out parsons, i'm coming for your title of funniest man on the internet
me: Is that my title? I should try harder.
9:23 PM Colin: otherwise chandler will take your crown
man i can't believe how much you blog without being able to type fast
me: I have to think about all that shit, wicked hard!
9:24 PM Colin: fuck i'm emailing you in the downtime between messages(He's serious)
9:25 PM me: I'm laughing too hard to type now...out loud and my ass is falling off.
Shit dude, I gotta go. Thanks for the "exclusive." BYE!
9:26 PM Colin: peace
Thus concludes Big Bikes' interview with Colin Reuter. This has been a lengthy blog post and I must now sleep, in the words of the immortal @colinreuter:
* The "I learned all I needed to know about the internet from the Matrix" line was inspired by the man who appears 9:30 into this video (bottom of post) from New Left Media. Interviewer, Chase Whiteside tries to open up a discussion about radical versus moderate Islam: "Some might say that what's happening is that they're confusing radical Islam with more moderate Islamic factions..." But Mr. Awesome is having none of it, he can't wait to bust out his bumper sticker slogan response: "I learned all I needed to know about Islam on 9/11." And it is, literally that: a bumper sticker slogan.