No, I Am Colin Reuter

 

 I done a bad thing.

A few weeks back, I participated in the execution of a fake Twitter campaign. It was all fun and games until the dude's mom found out. That dude is Colin Reuter. If you don't know who Colin Reuter is, well, Colin Reuter is the guy who runs Crossresults.org, and he is basically the owner of the internet. When he and his friends go out to some particular place or event, people say "The Internet is going to be there." That sounds like a joke, but it's not.

You know what's a joke? Calling Crossresults.com, "Crossresults.org." It just really pisses Colin off.

But ya, it doesn't piss him off as much as when his mother stumbles across a fake Twitter account created in her son's name, and then gazes in shock and horror at a whole bunch of misogynistic, belligerent, frat boy-like tweets that make him sound like the biggest scumbag on earth.

That type of thing would really get Colin's dandruff up. (If that were the actual saying and he had actual hair to have dandruff in.)

I may have gotten a little carried away,
but there was just something so liberating about saying incredibly stupid things on Twitter (which is so far removed from what I usually do). It must be sort of like how the guy who does DRUNK HULK feels.

Part of the joke about Fake Colin Reuter was that Colin had just, very publicly, broken up with his girlfriend, had gone on a hell of a bender, and was psyched as all hell to be single. So the alter ego created by me (and a couple other assholes who shall remain unnamed like that dude with no nose in Harry Potter and Prince during that weird period in the 90's) was a total drunk and a sexist douche bag. Which, for the record, is nothing like the real Colin Reuter. 

 

 The real Colin Reuter is an adorable nerd, or geek...I'm not sure what "they" prefer to be called these days. For all I know, geeks consider "nerd" their "N Word." I could Google it, but what would be the fun in not appearing ignorant for three seconds? The real Colin Reuter is respectful of women, and he doesn't even do " 2 O'clock Eight-Balls" (that often). 

 

A good percentage of what fake Colin Reuter said was adapted from statements made by actual frat boys. And OK ya, this one may have been a reaction to one of those "This is what I'm having for lunch!" tweets.

Charlie Sheen was also a huge source of inspiration.

 

There was also some in-joking.  Reuter had been told by certain fashion policemen that he had to stop wearing droopy Carhartt's and bike racing T-Shirts out to bars if he wanted to meet women. I happened to see Colin out at brunch with a friend yesterday morning wearing a pair of droopy Carhartt's and a bike racing T-shirt...he seemed like he was doing just fine.

 

This one was inspired by Turbonegro. Colin Reuter probably doesn't listen to Turbonegro, because it is awesome rock n' roll, not crappy techno, and he certainly doesn't throw around the word "poonanny." 

 

@CFtheMantis may or may not have been a co-conspirator, but for some reason this seemed to be the real Colin Reuter's favorite fake Colin Reuter tweet. 

I wanted to put this out there, so that when potential employers or friends of Colin's  mom see it, they can go "Oh...I get it. Colin isn't a drunk, sexist moron; his friends are just a bunch of immature dick bags.

 I wonder what'll happen when the real Hulk's mom finds the DRUNK HULK Twitter feed? That dude is screwed. 

(Editor's note: there will be a part two to this post tomorrow, hopefully featuring an interview with Colin Reuter. Don't touch that Keyboard...or touch screen...or whatever other high-tech thing it is you have that I don't know about.)