Thursday, April 01, 2010

Being Kimbo Slice


It's tough. With all this crazy, crazy rain going on in New England, there are a whole lot of folks stumbling around miserably, suffering from the worst affliction to strike mankind since the Black Plague — Seasonal Affective Disorder. Well, I've found one sure fire way to combat this insidious menace.

Psychologists say that the mere act of smiling can do wonders to improve your mood. I tried that...it's pretty much total crap. If you attempt to smile while you're horribly depressed, you end up looking like you're either grimacing in pain or completely psychotic. They say it takes over twice as many muscles to frown as it does to smile. (But think of how many more calories you burn frowning!) You know what takes less muscles than smiling? — chasing a handful of Ambien with a bottle of red wine and curling up in a fetal position until it's July.

Unless you're an un-employed grizzly bear, with a good script for sleeps meds, (and a friend with opposable thumbs who can operate a corkscrew for you) this is just not a viable option, but I have found something that is: Being Kimbo Slice.

While smiling to fool yourself into thinking you're happy might be totally idiotic, completely changing the way you look to more resemble a celebrity mixed martial arts fighter (or anyone besides your pitiful self) to feel better about things is perfectly reasonable. Here's how I did it...


Step 1 - Choose a celebrity (or anyone) who is better than you, cooler, than you, and who you might bear some resemblance to. For me there were so many options (well, not the resembling part, more the cooler and better than me part), but I decided on Kimbo Slice!

In case you don't know who Kimbo Slice is, that's him on the left and me on the right. He became famous as a result of his "Boatyard Streetfights" on youtube. In the above photo I am not looking or feeling all that much like Kimbo...I have no idea why.

Still not looking all that "Kimbo"


Step 2 - Figure out what alterations you have to make to your look to achieve the shocking transformation. One key element of Kimbo's look is his super-cool male pattern baldness. I just had to have some of that going on!


I'm still not feeling the Kimbo-ness here

Step 3 - Begin the make-over process. In this case, the male pattern baldness didn't have to be that convincing, in the grand scheme of things, another element of Kimbo's look would more than make up for the half-assed head shaving.

Ya, I have to say, I'm starting to feel a little Kimbo...
and a lot chaffed


Step 4 - Blow past the point of no return like you're driving a Toyota with a stuck-down accelerator. One of Kimbo's trademarks is his severely man-scaped chest hair. Another thing I have in common with Mr. Slice — a prodigious quaff of workable chest hair.


Uh-huh, that's right.
I'm feelin' mean now, um...bitches

Step 5 - Determine what your look might be missing at this point. The carefully sculpted chest hair and the wicked bad-ass male pattern baldness were already doing wonders for my out-look and my self-esteem, but something was lacking...what could it be? Right! The beard. I needed a beard to pull off this look. The thing is...how long would it take me to grow one of those things. It might take as long as three to four hours. There was no way I could wait that long. I would have to make one. But where could I possibly find a wealth of...

available beard material!

Step 6 - There's no turning back now. And while it might have been easier to get in a teleporter that hadn't yet been tested on humans with Kimbo Slice and come out the other side with our DNA merged, so that over a period of weeks I would slowly become him as my ears fell off and my teeth fell out, (wait, that's becoming a fly, not a Kimbo slice) um...as my hair fell out and my teeth grew a beautiful golden grill...I was going to have to figure out how to turn a pile of chest-hair clippings into an intimidating Kimbo-like-beard. What should I use? Toothpaste? Chamois cream? How about...


Rubber cement!

I was lucky. Lucky to live in a house with a properly outfitted bathroom stocked with rubber cement.

This'll come off with hot water right —
Oh god, what have I done?

Step, uh...7? - By this time I wasn't sure if I was high on life because of my nearly complete, glorious transformation into a heavily stylized pugilist or if it was the effects of the glue which I had slathered on my lower lip to aid in the application of chest hair to my face. Either way, I was feeling GOOD!

So close...so close,
all I need is a Do-Rag and some better lighting


Step 8 - I began to feel the power of Kimbo Slice surging up inside me. From my bowels right up to my cradled-in a-crescent-of-hair right pectoral muscle. I was no longer wallowing in the doldrums, preoccupied with how incredibly much this incessant rain and darkness sucks, I felt BAD, and it felt GOOD. I was ready to head down to the boatyard and knock some dudes' eyes out of their sockets! I was ready to punch the sky in the kidneys so hard that it would start raining blood.

And that is how I beat seasonal affective disorder. It's really quite simple and you can do it too...I would just recommend steering clear of out-look altering celebrity transformations that involve gluing your own chest-hair to your face. Or gluing any kind of hair to your face for that matter. But especially pubic hair. That would be the worst hair to glue to your face.


I am Kimbo Slice!

38 comments:

Manicmtbr said...

Wow. That is over and above the top. Glad I am not racing you this weekend.

Fatmarc Vanderbacon said...

oh my fucking god.

the best thing I have ever seen.

oh my fucking god.

respect
m

solobreak said...

I feel bad for Miriam and I don't even know her.

George said...

You almost kinda look like Dejay. Maybe there is some sort of Kimbo Slice Secret Society you are not telling us about?

velocb said...

Let the April Fools shenanigans begin!

Thanks for that I think. I am pretty much blind now and will have that vision burned into my retinas for days but you my friend are an artist. An artist in a kind of Purple Rain way but still 100% artist even if our eyeballs must suffer for your art...

trackrich said...

So tell us... how often does your wife deny knowing you? I have this weird fear that she's actually all in and was taking the pictures.

Farking hilarious... disturbing, but hilarious.

mooradian said...

Is this what you spend your 30min of internet time on in the institution. This is definitely a sign your getting better.

Amanda said...

Wow.
um. yeah.
wow.

Colin R said...

Fucking. Amazing.

G-ride said...

jesus. i think i need to lay down for a minute.

Miriam K said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Cary said...

That was insanely awesome!!!

Rigidnsingle said...

Dude, you are shot..
Just when I'm getting bored you come out with this.

craig said...

Best yet T!

Miriam K said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Raineman said...

With the new appearance you'll have us peeing our pants and whimpering things like "Momma, the big man scares me!"
Dude, you'd sacrifice anything for us.

Peter Verdone said...

Never before has one relatively simple bike geek so grabbed the world by the balls and screamed, "piss on me, motherfucker, piss on me!"

One more week of rain and I fear what you will do.

rick is! said...

holy hell in a handbasket. get this man some sunshine.

megA said...

Hilarious!

Next year, perhaps we could vote on which celeb you should be. I see fundraiser opportunity here. . .

xo
m

solobreak said...

You need a grape in your navel to fake the outie.

Statriot Designs LLC said...

I just had coffee spray out of my nose.
Oh thats good stuff.
Tay

Big Bikes said...

There is an April Fools element to this one, but the joke's not on you guys...it's on me. All will be revealed in time, maybe three days time, like Monday.

Thanks for all the blog-love today.

-t

the original big ring said...

You terrible wreck of a man.

I nearly shart myself while reading this, and I was in the tub relaxing after a long ride. Bobbing for turds was avoided. This is greatest blog post ever.

Cheers.

Jonny Bold said...

Fooking Hilarious!!!

Andy said...

Yeah kid! You had to go and make me pee my pants huh? Now just work on the tan and put that photo on your blog header!

philthy said...

hilarious and disgusting, i fuckin' love it!

dicky said...

Sorry?

jasonwg said...

Great stuff Thom!

Brendan said...

Awesomeness...

zencycle said...

I have this scene in my head of miriam walking in on you, your head and chest partially shaved, with a glue brush in one hand and a wad of your own hair in the other.

Miriam - "(insert expletive here)"

I'm guessing she was at first shocked and incredulous, and then not so much as the disgust waffed through the the depths of her soul.

But then, of course, I could be completely wrong. It may be the very reason she loves you.

Miriam K said...

@zencycle:

you are wrong on a couple levels. the first is, that it is EXACTLY one of the reasons i love him. the second, you will have to wait to find out about on thom's reveal post on monday.

jeff said...

!!!!! You're definitely in your own league bro! Best ever. Best what I have no idea!!!

Psyclepathic said...

Un-fucking-precedented. You've set the bar.

faction said...

This is up there on list of greatest internetting ever.

Anonymous said...

I always liked Mr T.

Mike said...

Wow Tom, I wish you were rocking that this weekend...

voodoochile said...

The bar is so high I can't even see it.
*wow*
You have really outdone yourself, Thom, by metric ton. *wow again*

Chris Gagnon said...

We may need our bear spray this weekend folks.