It's tough. With all this crazy, crazy rain going on in New England, there are a whole lot of folks stumbling around miserably, suffering from the worst affliction to strike mankind since the Black Plague — Seasonal Affective Disorder. Well, I've found one sure fire way to combat this insidious menace.
Psychologists say that the mere act of smiling can do wonders to improve your mood. I tried that...it's pretty much total crap. If you attempt to smile while you're horribly depressed, you end up looking like you're either grimacing in pain or completely psychotic. They say it takes over twice as many muscles to frown as it does to smile. (But think of how many more calories you burn frowning!) You know what takes less muscles than smiling? — chasing a handful of Ambien with a bottle of red wine and curling up in a fetal position until it's July.
Unless you're an un-employed grizzly bear, with a good script for sleeps meds, (and a friend with opposable thumbs who can operate a corkscrew for you) this is just not a viable option, but I have found something that is: Being Kimbo Slice.
While smiling to fool yourself into thinking you're happy might be totally idiotic, completely changing the way you look to more resemble a celebrity mixed martial arts fighter (or anyone besides your pitiful self) to feel better about things is perfectly reasonable. Here's how I did it...
Step 1 - Choose a celebrity (or anyone) who is better than you, cooler, than you, and who you might bear some resemblance to. For me there were so many options (well, not the resembling part, more the cooler and better than me part), but I decided on Kimbo Slice!
In case you don't know who Kimbo Slice is, that's him on the left and me on the right. He became famous as a result of his "Boatyard Streetfights" on youtube. In the above photo I am not looking or feeling all that much like Kimbo...I have no idea why.
Step 2 - Figure out what alterations you have to make to your look to achieve the shocking transformation. One key element of Kimbo's look is his super-cool male pattern baldness. I just had to have some of that going on!
Step 3 - Begin the make-over process. In this case, the male pattern baldness didn't have to be that convincing, in the grand scheme of things, another element of Kimbo's look would more than make up for the half-assed head shaving.
Step 4 - Blow past the point of no return like you're driving a Toyota with a stuck-down accelerator. One of Kimbo's trademarks is his severely man-scaped chest hair. Another thing I have in common with Mr. Slice — a prodigious quaff of workable chest hair.
Step 5 - Determine what your look might be missing at this point. The carefully sculpted chest hair and the wicked bad-ass male pattern baldness were already doing wonders for my out-look and my self-esteem, but something was lacking...what could it be? Right! The beard. I needed a beard to pull off this look. The thing is...how long would it take me to grow one of those things. It might take as long as three to four hours. There was no way I could wait that long. I would have to make one. But where could I possibly find a wealth of...
Step 6 - There's no turning back now. And while it might have been easier to get in a teleporter that hadn't yet been tested on humans with Kimbo Slice and come out the other side with our DNA merged, so that over a period of weeks I would slowly become him as my ears fell off and my teeth fell out, (wait, that's becoming a fly, not a Kimbo slice) um...as my hair fell out and my teeth grew a beautiful golden grill...I was going to have to figure out how to turn a pile of chest-hair clippings into an intimidating Kimbo-like-beard. What should I use? Toothpaste? Chamois cream? How about...
I was lucky. Lucky to live in a house with a properly outfitted bathroom stocked with rubber cement.
Step, uh...7? - By this time I wasn't sure if I was high on life because of my nearly complete, glorious transformation into a heavily stylized pugilist or if it was the effects of the glue which I had slathered on my lower lip to aid in the application of chest hair to my face. Either way, I was feeling GOOD!
Step 8 - I began to feel the power of Kimbo Slice surging up inside me. From my bowels right up to my cradled-in a-crescent-of-hair right pectoral muscle. I was no longer wallowing in the doldrums, preoccupied with how incredibly much this incessant rain and darkness sucks, I felt BAD, and it felt GOOD. I was ready to head down to the boatyard and knock some dudes' eyes out of their sockets! I was ready to punch the sky in the kidneys so hard that it would start raining blood.
And that is how I beat seasonal affective disorder. It's really quite simple and you can do it too...I would just recommend steering clear of out-look altering celebrity transformations that involve gluing your own chest-hair to your face. Or gluing any kind of hair to your face for that matter. But especially pubic hair. That would be the worst hair to glue to your face.
I am Kimbo Slice!