Bacon Egg & Cheese on a Boston Cream Donut
Q: In your horribly executed artist's dramatization, why are you depicted as a Lego man with a large human head? And why is The Dunkin Donuts man AKA "Fred" portrayed as a Lego James Bond? Why didn't you just use the footage from your video camera? And what's with the crappy blank green screen?
A: Well, there was no footage to speak of. Apparently I forgot to put a memory card in my video camera and apparently the woman working the counter at the Dunkin Donuts location we chose to use was reluctant to get photographed. I think it has something to do with her involvement with Dr. Mengele's Brazilian Twin Village. She obviously has something to hide. The art department at Big Bikes has been undergoing some budget cuts, they just didn't have the man-power to do anything more creative...or even fill in the green screen background. That and they were feeling a little queasy and a bit off all this afternoon for some reason, I don't know why.
Lego men? They're cheap, practically free. I'm pretty sure it's still legal to keep them as slaves in Bahrain. As sure as I am about anything.
Q: So what's going on above here, is that like a Dunkin Donuts version of a McDLT, a sort of "some assembly required" sandwich?
A: Well The Angel of Death's assistant there was less than cooperative with the execution of the actual making of the sandwich, I saw that as really, really unreasonable. I wound up having to make the damn thing myself. What kind of crap is that?
Q: Describe the taste sensation which occurred when you bit into the "abomination" as I will refer to it from here on out.
A: It was kind of like biting into a chocolate frosted donut. Then you get to rubber-like the bacon and the cheap, oily, liquefied cheese and it goes all to hell. It tastes like you went out to the dumpster at Dunkin Donuts, scooped a fistful of garbage up and shoved it in your mouth.
Q: Why? That's all just plain why? Like Fred or Khalid or Khalid Fred Mohammed or whatever said, "what is wrong with your brain?"
A: It was a fund-raising stunt. I'm trying to raise money to get to Single Speed Worlds in New Zealand next October. And because I wanted to give the American people (except those in North Dakota who don't read Big Bikes...ever) something beautiful, something that would make them stop and say to themselves, "I'm so glad I'm not Thom Parsons. I mean in general, but especially today."
Thanks to Abe for coming out and documenting "the event". And thanks again to anonymous donor Matt from Dedham Bike for making me have to do this.
Now I have to go get on the waiting list for a baboon heart transplant.