Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Bacon Egg & Cheese on a Boston Cream Donut

Q: In your horribly executed artist's dramatization, why are you depicted as a Lego man with a large human head? And why is The Dunkin Donuts man AKA "Fred" portrayed as a Lego James Bond? Why didn't you just use the footage from your video camera? And what's with the crappy blank green screen?

A: Well, there was no footage to speak of. Apparently I forgot to put a memory card in my video camera and apparently the woman working the counter at the Dunkin Donuts location we chose to use was reluctant to get photographed. I think it has something to do with her involvement with Dr. Mengele's Brazilian Twin Village. She obviously has something to hide. The art department at Big Bikes has been undergoing some budget cuts, they just didn't have the man-power to do anything more creative...or even fill in the green screen background. That and they were feeling a little queasy and a bit off all this afternoon for some reason, I don't know why.

Lego men? They're cheap, practically free. I'm pretty sure it's still legal to keep them as slaves in Bahrain. As sure as I am about anything.

Q: So what's going on above here, is that like a Dunkin Donuts version of a McDLT, a sort of "some assembly required" sandwich?

A: Well The Angel of Death's assistant there was less than cooperative with the execution of the actual making of the sandwich, I saw that as really, really unreasonable. I wound up having to make the damn thing myself. What kind of crap is that?

Q: Describe the taste sensation which occurred when you bit into the "abomination" as I will refer to it from here on out.

A: It was kind of like biting into a chocolate frosted donut. Then you get to rubber-like the bacon and the cheap, oily, liquefied cheese and it goes all to hell. It tastes like you went out to the dumpster at Dunkin Donuts, scooped a fistful of garbage up and shoved it in your mouth.

Q: Why? That's all just plain why? Like Fred or Khalid or Khalid Fred Mohammed or whatever said, "what is wrong with your brain?"

A: It was a fund-raising stunt. I'm trying to raise money to get to Single Speed Worlds in New Zealand next October. And because I wanted to give the American people (except those in North Dakota who don't read Big Bikes...ever) something beautiful, something that would make them stop and say to themselves, "I'm so glad I'm not Thom Parsons. I mean in general, but especially today."

Thanks to Abe for coming out and documenting "the event". And thanks again to anonymous donor Matt from Dedham Bike for making me have to do this.

Now I have to go get on the waiting list for a baboon heart transplant.


rick is! said...

I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that it really wasn't all that bad. Maybe even a bit tasty. I know you want to make it seem repulsive since someone ponied up the clams but, come on, tell us the truth.

Adrian said...

Your photo-shopping skills are unparalleled.

SteveS said...

If only you could have gotten it deep fried, maybe with a little powdered sugar on it.

Colin R said...

Should've gone with the sausage egg & cheese.

zencycle said...

@rick - I'm guessing "It tastes like you went out to the dumpster at Dunkin Donuts, scooped a fistful of garbage up and shoved it in your mouth" is wholly accurate, but I'm not willing to try and find out.

@thom - where did you find a picture of Ron Jeremy lookin' so ragged?

(yeah, I know who it is...I just always marveled at how saddam always bore such an amazing resemblance to a jewish porn star)

Ryan said...

I will totally fund the Thom Parsons New Zealand Bicycle Race Extravaganza if it involves continued ridiculousness.

rick is! said...

I've seen some pretty tasty looking garbage in my day and if it's above the rim, it's fair game.

Rigidnsingle said...

Keep eating like that and we wont have to worry about racing you in the spring, Will we?

Big Bikes said...

Rick - it really was pretty gross and wrong. The kind of thing where you need to drink a coke afterward to "de-grease" your mouth. Maybe I should have tried orange juice, it might have acted like citrus de-greaser.


Steve - Deep fried eh? Do I hear $200 from the man in the back?

Rooter - sausage just doesn't have the same aura about it as bacon. But yes, it might have been grosser.

Zen - If there were a fifth frame in that "comic" I might have gone Ron Jeremy. I think he might make Khalid Fred Mohammed look good.

Ryan - fund away! I'll pledge to eat a Bacon Egg and Whole Live Sheep on a Boston Cream Donut.

Rick - Skip Brown is known to treat a trash can as a circular (unrefrigerated) refrigerator.

Monty - All I'll have to do is get the (donut) holeshot. There's no way you skinnies will be able to get around my 300 lb. carcass.

the original big ring said...

sell the rights to Tim Hortons - sounds like something the Frenchies up here would eat . . . or at least I would. Yum.

Let me know if you get enough money for NZ - I lived there for two years and I can hook you up.


rick is! said...

I'm with you Craig. I'm not buying this whole disgusting thing. I may have to reenact it myself this weekend to find out for sure.

Cary said...

Rooter will back me up on this one (and PVB)...but I will put down big cash if you kill a 6-pack of the Budweiser Clamatos...preferably before or during a long ride...maybe a camelbak full of clamato? At ice-weasels? That's worth $$$.

kevin said...

I'm with Cary. You need to up your game if you really want the $$$ to pour in.

Clamatos + Ice Weasels = i love the internet.

dance monkey, dance!

rick is! said...

clamatos at the ice weasel would get me to come race AND donate to the cause since I'd get to see the results first hand.

CB2 said...

Boston Creme and Clamato Smoothie @ Ice Weasels!

Big Bikes said...

Oh god, I may have to address this whole "Chelada" business tomorrow. If you doubt how horrible it was for me to eat the BECBC let there be no doubt that I find Clamato to be one of the most terrifying things in the world. Mixing it with beer? That's just tamping the puke-musket.

rick is! said...

which is what makes it worth putting money towards. nobody wants to see you mildy uncomfortable, we want to see something worthy of fear factor.

the masses have spoken.

dedhambike said...

Dude ! Glad to see you survived the experiment. Hopefully we helped to get the ball rolling and people have seen what twisted results we can get from kicking in a few $$. I can't wait to see what the next round brings! -Matt

Nick said...

No video??? = WEAK!!!

It looked like you were enjoyinh it way too much, BTW. If you're not dry heaving, it's not worth a dollar.

Chelada, that sounds gross. However it is a drink certain people enjoy. Therefore it can't be that bad. Step it up and I'' hit the donate button....

rick is! said...

geez thom, you should eat stupid shit more often based on the comments.

Here's the deal, I'm 99% sure I'll be down for the race so if you agree to do the clamato thing I'll do it with you as moral support and people can see two of us hurling on the course.

shoot me an e-mail at chiddong at hotmail I've got a couple of questions regarding the race.