Monday, November 15, 2010

Monday Morning Breakfast Special: Bacon And Scrambled Brains

Before I inevitably become horribly sidetracked, piss off the Christian right, and garner more death threats, I want to give an update on the Lance Armstrong Mustache Ride For The Roses Contest: Currently Todd "20poundskull" Prekaski is holding a HUGE lead (as the only entrant thus far) with the above Lance-Stache image. Unless someone steps up to Todd, he will easily walk away with the big W, much like the United States has walked away with the World Series win every single year since its inception. While he is walking away so easily, Todd will be carrying a Geekhouse pint glass and a Team Awesome T-Shirt.

If you think you have what it takes to knock off 20poundskull off the one-tiered podium, send your photo-shopped image of Lance with a stache to with the subject-line: MUSTACHE RIDE!

Remember: Geekhouse Party TONIGHT (Monday), 7-Midnight, at the Middlesex Lounge in Cambridge.

I'd call the Geekhouse party "the cycling-related-social event of the year," if, I say if, I hadn't attended the Skinsuit birthday party for SBZ on Friday at the privately-owned home of Results Rooter. The party was skinsuit-themed, but any one-piece outfit was acceptable. I chose to push the limits of what was acceptable by purchasing, at Goodwill, a black denim, sleeveless jump suit that made up for its lack of sleeves with a hood and belt loops. Yes, belt loops.

It's what Elvis Stojko would wear...while performing a routine to a Danzig song.

It was so tight (how tight was it?), it was so tight that if the previous owner suffered from a venereal disease; I now I have that disease.

While prepping to go out and monitoring the veritable hurricane of Skinsuit Party-related activity on the Twitters, I felt compelled, for some reason, to search for an image of the "gayest figure skating outfit." This is what came up:

An image that caused Stevil to exclaim "Edward Fabulous Hands!"

Please understand something, in my book: Gayness = Awesomeness, but if I'd Googled "Most awesome figure skating outfit" the above image would have been (Googling "Most awesome figure skating outfit" now...) not the second image to show up but the...ninth. Alright, so I could have probably found it without defaulting to my "People are generally homophobic-dicks mode" and Googling away blindly based on my prejudice about people's prejudices, but I was under pressure.

Of course, when you Google something like "gayest figure skating outfit" you should expect trouble, and trouble is what I found. You might recall that, a week or so back, I unwittingly stepped into the internet equivalent of a flaming bag of dog shit. It happened again this time, I stumbled into a thread on Landover Baptist Church's forum entitled:

Tour De France Beats Out Figure Skating-Now World's Gayest Sport

One woman, calling herself "MidwestCatLady" commented:

Speaking of faggy sports. I have always been sickened by the Olympic Bobsled. I could not find an image of how these "guys" are piled into the sled but you know they are touching their manly parts to each other's behinds. I almost think this is worse than the Homo bike Nazi's. The Bobsled teams wear that revealing spandex too.

I read on, and a guy calling himself "Negative_Cool" had this to add:

Signs that cycling has been taken over by homers:

1. Obsession with Leg Shaving
2. Lycra - official clothing material of mardis gras.
3. Constant Drug scandals - we all know how much homers enjoy their chemical fuelled disco orgies.
4. Most prestigious race is the Tour de France - one of the gayest countries in Europe.
5. Body position while racing - that "bent over" position is reminiscent of other homer activities.

And I couldn't help myself, I kept on reading:

God reminded all of the homosexual cyclists riding in the Tour de France of the errors of their ways by smashing noted German queer cyclist Jens Voigt's face with a what we Scientheists call a Warning Smiting.

In a Warning Smiting, the non-believer is not killed outright. God, in His great and loving mercy, only wounds the sinner, giving him a chance to mends his ways.

It is obvious, especially in the super slow motion replay, that the Lord simply nudged the bicycle out from under the sodomite. If He had wanted to kill Mr. Voigt, He would have simply made him ride off the side of the road and plummet to his death. The fact that God only crushed his cheek bones and give him a concussion shows just how merciful He can be.

I was dumbfounded, totally, freaking appalled. And it got worse, a dude called Captain A. Portway linked to a photo of Alberto Contador with the caption:

Some stupid Mexican queer is about to win the Tour de Fags!

By this point I was reeling, but, unfortunately I kept going and read this response to a dissenter who claimed that football was, quite possibly, more gay than cycling:

Fail The majority of the players in the NFL are Negroes (except for the important positions). Most are on steroids and PCP so tight fitting clothing is of the utmost importance or the Negroes would quickly disrobe each each other with brute strength. That would be a spectacle that NO Christian would watch.

The dogpiles and "man on man" that arouse the homofag in you are simply a fight to control the football. Have you studied the game and the importance of maintaining posession of the pigskin?

Patting on the butt is not the homo erotica you want it to be. I've raised a son and often "patted" him on the butt when he disobeyed me. NFL players are criticizing a teammate's play and encouraging them to try harder when they give a firm slap.

Stop reading gayness into an American sport where NONE exists

Nothing I like better than a day of beer (in moderation) watching the spooks fight for the football

In Jesus!
After I read that last post, I couldn't take it any more, I threw up my hands and stormed away from the computer, put on a tight denim skinsuit (with a hood and belt loops) and rode off into the night.

What I didn't realize is that I had fallen victim to Poe's Law:

Without a winking smiley or other blatant display of humor, it is impossible to create a parody of Fundamentalism that SOMEONE won't mistake for the real thing.

Landover Baptist Church is made up, and what I'd been reading was a parody of a whack-job Christian forum. After reading all the INSANE comments below that David Duke video I guess my sense of irony was temporarily impaired...damaged. I was uncharacteristically accepting of the now, obviously absurd statements beings being made on the Landover Church forum.

In this case, I was so glad the joke was on me.

And, now that I know it's a joke...

"Some stupid Mexican queer is about to win the Tour de Fags!"

Uh, pretty frickin' funny.

And now! More photos from the skinsuit party with captions!

Adam Myerson showed up wearing an outfit that one-billion-upped mine: a one piece thong bathing suit. Prior to the party he had tweeted something like "You know it's a good costume if you wish you shaved your ass." When he saw that SBZ's parents were in attendance, he waffled, acting uncharacteristically bashful...ultimately changing into a run-of-the-mill cycling uni. If anyone has photographic evidence of Myerson's original outfit, please, either Tweet it to me (see sidebar) or send it to

Bashful? Not the word to describe Murat. He stood around all might in a frickin' Speedo, which thankfully is hidden in shadow in the above photo. LPB is looking all furtive because she's killing the lights, to provide better mood-lighting for...

KEG STANDS. I went to art school, we didn't do keg stands. I guess I really missed out.

SBZ's husband Michael may not have adhered to the letter of the skinsuit party law, but his vintage BMX racin' outfit was SICK. If you've got any doubt as to whether Michael rocked the shit out of that suit back in the day, while getting totally rad, check this out:

I bet Michael is so stoked. He just became Facebook friends with me five minutes ago and I'm already stealing his photos for my personal use. Sorry Mike, the world has to know how rad you are.

It was the kind of dance party where shoes like these were nothing but a liability.

Name those legs.

Cary is suffering from a really bizarre and unfortunate form of male-pattern-chest-hair-baldness...this is the only patch left. He should get some Rogaine going on that shite or something.

Tonight: Geekhouse party. Tomorrow: party report.


zencycle said...

I was seriously thinkin' "you didn't get sucked in by landover baptist...."

I was just going to comment with "you've been Poe'd", but I see you got that.

I think Landover is affiliated with Betty Bowers (america's best christian) (More poe for those that can't get enough poe)

Chris said...

I can't get over how, um, awesome Adam looks in your first photo. Like, "you all are over there getting down and raising the roof, while I'm all like dancing with myself and the wall" awesome.

Anonymous said...

More Leah coverage please!