The other day, one of Lance Armstrong's tweets caught my eye. The guy tweets almost as much as Results-Rooter or Adam Myerspace, (although I'm following 150-something people on Twitter, sometimes I feel like I'm following two dudes who talk way too much about 'cross-related minutiae) so oftentimes I tend to skim Lance's tweets, but this one stood out:
I'm devastated...shooting a new spot for Mich Ultra and the bosses asked me to shave my @movember stache. Damn!
Lance's nascent Movember dirt-stache...not much of a loss. I've seen better mustaches on naked mole rats suffering from alopecia.
Now, there are people out there who have their problems with Lance for whatever reason. Sometimes he has a problem with them too.
But I also have a problem with Lance, my problem is that he is lying to us all. The man is a fraud.
There is no way he is a drinker of Michelob Ultra...no way. I have it on semi-good authority that he is a big drinker of Lone Star beer. Never mind rifling through dumpsters, looking for blood bags; someone should be rummaging through Armstrong's recycling bin, looking for bottles of Ultra...I bet they don't find any.
I want him to be dirty...dirty in the not-drinking "Mich Ultra" department. Since alcohol consumption in commercials is prohibited, Lance may have never actually imbibed a single ounce of the abhorrent beverage. I sure hope not anyway. I hope he is perpetrating the biggest scam in a product endorsement history.
The corporate fat cats at Anheuser-Busch bullied Lance into shearing the stache, and I personally know just how it feels to be bullied into changing your appearance for a lucrative job...I once removed two nose rings and thirteen earrings to land a killer job as a night janitor at Squaw Valley (hey, I got a free season's pass). I feel his facial adornment-removal-related pain. Mow it's mearly mid Movember and poor Lance is stache-less. (It's grammatically appropriate to change all the N's to M's in a sentence when the word "Movember" is present.)
Here's how you can help...
You can get on the Photoshop and Photo-shop-up a new stache for Lance like I did above, or, if you have the Photoshop skills of a three-year-old...cat, you can easily come up with something far superior. You don't have to use the above photo, I encourage you to scour the inner-net for other, potentially more interesting photos of Lance to mustache-ify. You can draw the stache on, take a photo of found materials applied to an actual, real live photo (pubes are obvious and discouraged), or do the lazy-ass, me-type thing and steal one off a picture of some dude on the inner-net.
Note to Needle-Devil-Man: Using Hitler, Stalin, or Saddam Hussein (those last two are the same thing aren't they?) mustaches is obvious but not entirely discouraged.
The mustache I stole belongs to Marty Walsh of Geekhouse Bikes in Allston, MA. Oh, and the teeth too. I think it looks better on Marty...the teeth/mustache combo. Before I go on to talk more about Marty...and parties...and mustache rides, let me finish telling you about this so-called contest.
- Photoshop your stache on Lance
- Send the image to email@example.com (cut and paste it alright) with the subject line: Mustache Ride!
- I will post the entries as I get them throughout next week along with links to the entrants blogs or Twitter pages or whatever. Ooh, ooh, you will get such mad traffic, it'll be SICK!
- Thursday we'll put it to a VOTE
- On Friday I will post the winner
- The winner will receive...a FREE mustache ride from Marty!
I'm kidding. Unless it's cool with Marty. In that case I'm not.
Like Marty always says: "You can't spell PARTY without 80% of the letters in my name."
OK, the winner will receive a yet-to-determined Geekhouse soft good. Which I will hopefully be bamboozling Marty into giving to me for free at the GEEKHOUSE PARTY on Monday.
I may have mumbled something on the Facebook about elaborating on yesterday's Race Across The Sky Two post, but I got so wrapped up in all this "mustache ride" talk that I have clean run out of time. Maybe a secret weekend post for that...who knows, I sure don't.
Wow, I just realized how dirty this post is...but only if you know what mustache rides are. Good thing people who don't already know what mustache rides are, and might be offended if they did, also don't know how to Google things.