Behind The Barriers on Bike Rumor

"Behind The Barriers" Episode 8 from Behind The Barriers on Vimeo.

This is maybe slightly, I say slightly less of a cop-out than yesterday's regurgitated post. Time is tight right now, so all I have to offer today is my little write up about Behind The Barriers over on the Bike Rumors.

Better than nothing? You decide.

Planes, Pains, and Sebaceous Cysts The Size Of Kuatos

Note to self: Mayonnaise is not a viable substitute for chamois cream, especially in warm climates.

Oh, another note to self: hey idiot, clean your bike Before you put it back in the travel case next time.

Seriously, the only reason I took my bike out of the travel case in-between my last two trips was to clean it. The problem is this: after a one-hundred mile mountain bike race or after the sixth day of a stage race,
I just don't feel like cleaning the damn thing. I mean, I don't even want to look at it. I do feel like dousing it with gasoline, lighting it on fire, and throwing it off a cliff. But that, I can do with my eyes closed. No visual necessary. I
I kind of want to keep my bike locked in that travel case, it's like a dog that I bought because of its fighting pedigree, a dog I trained to fight, taught to lust after the blood of other dogs, but now…now I've lost control of the animal and I worry that it will eat my face the first chance it gets. It's my fault the creature is dangerous and unpredictable, but it doesn't make me any less wary around it. I associate the bike only with pain and suffering, we've been through so much hell together this summer, it's no wonder I want to lock it away like a Pit Bull gone bad.

It's been a crazy couple months, I've gone from The High Cascades 100 out in Bend, Oregon, to the Breck Epic, a six day stage race in Colorado, and now I'm on my way to Brevard, North Carolina for the Pisgah Mountain Stage Race.

These events are called "races" but, for me, they are more like cycling tours. There is no better way to experience the trails a place has to offer than by riding them real, really fast with a big group of knuckleheads.

One problem with all this flying around and racing is the flying part; I hate flying. I am not a plane-talker for one thing. The second I sit down on the plane, I insert my ipod ear buds as a defensive measure. I may not listen to music at any point during the entire flight, but I want my neighbors to think I am. Or, more importantly, I don't want them to talk to me at all. Nothing good ever comes of talking to people on planes. On the way out to Oregon the girl next to me was a non-stop-plane-talker. She tried to engage me, but when I proved unresponsive, she turned to the old man across the aisle. At one point I tuned in just enough to hear that she was telling the poor, old dude about her Coke addiction. (That would be Coca Cola addiction.) The old dude was as wise as he was receptive to the incessant babbling of over-caffeinated girls on planes, he had this sparkling gem of wisdom to offer: "Yup, I used to drink a lot of soda, but now you know what I drink to stay hydrated these days? — water.

A-freakin'-mazing.

Another fun part of plane travel is the trying to get your bike on the plane as cheaply or as freely as possible. I have a list of ploys I attempt every time I hit the ticket counter.

Airline Employee: "Is this a bike?"
Me: "Um, not really, it's bike parts."
AE: "We still have to charge you for a bike."
Me: "Did I say bike? It's more like trade show supplies."
AE: "They're in a bike case."
ME: "Yes, but it's full of golf clubs…a surf board…a tuba…anything but a bike."
AE: "Uh huh, and it's over weight."
ME: "You're overweight."
AE: "What did you just say?"
Me: "I said, 'that's up for debate,' I read online that your weight limit for bike cases is 100 lbs." (waves hand in Jedi-mind-tricking motion).
AE: "What was that crap? Do you want me to call TSA and tell them I've got Osama Bin Kenobi over here?
Me: "No, but what if I told you I was…an organ donor…and astronaut…that I once saved a baby from drowning."
AE: " I would tell you that I am going to charge $150 for your bike case."
Me: "You're not gonna budge on the whole charging me for the bike case thing are ya?"
AE: "You're a quick one aren't ya hon."


And it's usually about ten minutes into the flight when I remember all the stuff I've forgotten to bring, silly, little stuff like a helmet. I forgot my helmet on the Oregon trip. Lucky for me I ran into Single Speed guru Dejay Birtch. At the time Dejay was in the process of growing one of the most magnificently large sebaceous cysts I have ever laid eyes on right on the back of his head. I called it his Kuato, like the little, slimy/hairy, all-knowing thing that came out of that guy's chest in Total Recall. It had grown to such proportions that I believe Dejay had procured a second helmet just in case he needed to put it on his secondary head, or Kuato. Maybe Dejay had the second helmet for some other reason, a reason I can't think of but, whatever the reason, he had a second helmet and I got to use it during the race and it was awesome, even if it had Kuato juice all over it.

Many lessons were learned out at the Breck Epic, lessons that will be applied at The Pisgah Mountain Stage Race. Lessons like: back off for the last couple stages and take it real easy…
so you have enough energy to clean you're bike before you put it back in its crate, uh, I mean case.


This article was originally published in the November 2010 issue of NEMBA Singletracks magazine. Go HERE to get yourself a NEMBA membership.

USA Cycling To Ban Chain Rings And Samurai Swords

A few weeks back USA Cycling gave us all a scare by threatening to consider banning helmet cams, tubular tires for juniors, and...some other stuff I don't care about. This threat of consideration fomented an uproar amongst USAC members, causing the USAC to reconsider their threat. So in case you missed the memo: there will be no ban on helmet cams.

But we're not out of the woods yet.

USAC's premise for considering the ban was based on hypothetical, anecdotal evidence, and was, to use the legal term: rickety-as-shit at best. Basically, the folks at USAC thought that a helmet cam could possibly get driven through a rider's head in a crash, although they did admit that there was "no particular accident" that had given them this impression.

However, while the evidence that helmet cams are actually dangerous is lacking, there is a metric butt-load of empirical evidence to back up the fact that CHAINRINGS are incredibly dangerous.

Exhibit A:

That's Elite Cyclocross racer Luca Damiani's calf after he was involved in a tangle with Justin Lindine at Cyclesmart International in Northampton a few weeks back. Lindine hooked the course tape with this bar, causing his bike to flip up, just as Damiani came around the corner behind him, and WHAM! Lindine's chainring went into Damiani's calf. Thing is, Damiani didn't realize what had happened, he just kept rolling. In the photo below, you can hardly see the cut on his left calf, and he's looking down going "what the hell happened?"


But by the time he got to the bottom of the hill about ten seconds later, he knew something was wrong, and he ducked under the tape while letting out these sickening, very black-box flight recorder type moans. I happened to be standing there with a video camera, not knowing what to do. At 10 seconds in, you see what could either be referred to, depending on what company you're in, as a "mouth" or a "leg vagina" open up as Luca says "STITCHES FUCK! Look at that."

Visit cyclingdirt.org for more Videos

The whole incident reminded me of those old, Lone Wolf And Cub movies about that Ronin (rogue Samurai) and his infant-son in a baby carriage, roving around Japan getting in fights. What typified those films for me, was the move where Ogami Itto slashes at an opponent with his sword, the opponent stands there, looking nonplussed or slightly bemused for a few seconds, and then SPWOOOSH! — there's this audible gush of arterial spray as he or she collapses to the ground and dies. I looked all over the Youtubes, but this is all I could find, and it's not that great. At about 2:05 you'll see a small off-screen gush of arterial spray, but without the big SPWOOOSH! noise that accompanies it in my memory.

And now that we have become sufficiently sidetracked...

It is evidence like this that will no doubt drive USAC to ban chainrings and Samurai swords some time in the very near future. Hey, they had to specify that the use of “radios, telephones and other such communication devices” is not permitted during races...who's to say someone won't try to race with his samurai sword? Although Samurai swords would make those Cat 4 Cyclocross fist fights a little bit more exciting for the fans to watch.

Post-chainring ban, all racers, regardless of their cycling discipline, will be required to race exclusively on belt drive bikes with chain guards, dressed in downhill body armor, on courses comprised of bubble wrap and feather pillows.



I've run out of time to wrap this up in any way that makes a lick of sense, so I'll just say LEG VAGINA again, and now that you are sufficiently desensitized, you will have no problem finding the following inoffensive and hilarious:

Between Two Ferns With Zach Galifianakis: Natalie Portman from Between Two Ferns

Like Saturday Morning Cartoons (For Sick F—ks)

MTV's Human Giant - Carpet Monkey - watch more funny videos

Guns don't kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun).

- Eddie Izzard

While the above video is pretty inoffensive (because no one thinks people being shot to death is particularly offensive anymore...especially when it's done by chimps in diapers), the video below, however, might be considered offensive by some.

But not me, and not my buddy Bryan. We got laughing so hard today on our way to get coffee, just talking about it, I had to freaking share the thing.

Will Arnett - Human Giant SEX TAPE from Will Arnett

We Have A Mustache Ride Winner!

That's right, Rich "Team Dicky" Dillen has won a mustache ride...from Marty!


Here he comes Dicky...he's on his way to your house...when you get home, Party Marty or one of his prodigiously mustachioed friends will be waiting in your driveway to give you a mustache ride you'll never forget.

Which reminds me of a story....

I was down in Central Square, at Moody's Falafel Palace (awesome) and these two dudes behind me are talking. One tells the other that he likes his jacket. The nicely jacketed guy replies, "Ya, I like this jacket too but it got all fucked up at this casino one time." "Really? What happened?" "I got roofied at the bar by some dude and then the bouncer roughed me up and threw me out, it was nuts."

Nuts is right.

Some bad stuff could have happened to that dude...stuff like what's going to happen to Dicky when Marty shows up with his special delivery.

"Ya look mighty cute in them bike shorts Dicky. Now come on over here and..."

It was a close race, with just one vote separating Mandy "Queen of SSUSA" Wisell from Rich "King of Watching Transformers 2 More Than Any Other Grown Man" Dillen. Both entries were amazing, as were many of the others.

You know what else is amazing? This:


That's one of the Co2's I lost to TSA on my way to Pisgah in September. Incredibly enough, a friend of mine who works at the airport stumbled upon this package the other day.

Not a joke.

I had listened to Dicky when he told me that the cartridges would be safe in a stainless steel coffee mug...why? Why did I listen to the Dicky? I am going to tell Party Marty to give Dicky a "Medieval Mustache Ride," he'll know what I'm talking about.

Kids bike donation for IBC tomorrow, gotta get up early and act like a grownup.

I probably shouldn't even tell you this but...Monday we're going to talk about "Leg Vaginas."

Not a joke.

Lance Armstrong Mustache Ride For The Roses Finalists: Vote Today!

1.)

This is how we're gonna do the voting, you can do one of two things:

1.) Direct message me on Twitter: @bigbikesthom with the message "Mustache Ride" along with the number of the entry. All entries have a number above the image.

Or

b.) Leave your comment with the number below. You can explain your rationale for your vote if you wanna get all crazy with it.

Above, at top of post:

Jeff Rowe "Wooly Willy"

Not technically a Mustache Ride entry, but worth sharing regardless.

2.)

Michael Eastwood #2 "The Selleck."

"Higgins! No, I am not surfing for porn!"

3.)

20poundskull #1 "Dirt Stache."

The typical Movember move — the unfortunate growing of the stache alone, without the beard.

4.)

Rich Dillen "The Sam Elliott Marathon Man."

"Is it safe?"

"I like your style, Nazi-Dude."

"Well I dig your style too, Marathon Man. Got a whole...Cowboy/Marathon Man thing goin' but...is it FUCKING safe?"

"Yes, it's safe, it's very safe, it's so safe you wouldn't believe it. Just one thing Nazi-Dude..."

"Was ist los?"

"Do you have to use so many cuss words?"

5.)

SSUSA Queen Mandy Wisell "Porno Burt Reynolds."

"Ya look mighty cute in them jeans. Now come on over here and..."

6.)

The Original Big Ring "Needle Nose."

A sort of Purloined Letter thing going on here?

7.)

20poundskull #2 "Fer-De-Lance."

I will recycle my joke from yesterday.
What did French-Lance say on the roller-coaster:
"Ouiiiiiiiiiiiiii!"

8.)

Michael Eastwood "The Father-in-law."

I don't even know what to say about this one...he just makes me nervous. Infinitely more scary than the next one.

9.)

Charlie Beal "Genghis Khanstrong."

"You like apples? Well, I am going to rip your legs off...I mean, not on the bike, like literally rip them off your body, rape your women, and then divert the course of a river to wash your village away...how you like them apples?"

Get your votes in, the winner will be announced tomorrow. Then the Mustache Ride will be over and we'll be back to business as usual. Well, as usual as it ever is.

Speak Softly and Carry A Big Stache: Lance Armstrong Mustache Ride Entrants

The official vote for the winner of the Lance Armstrong Mustache Ride For The Roses goes down tomorrow, so you still have time to get your submission in. Contest details are HERE, but it's actually pretty simple: Photoshop a mustache onto Lance, send the image to wellonabigbikeya@gmail.com with the subject line MUSTACHE RIDE! and you could win a Geekhouse Bikes pint glass and a Team Awesome T-Shirt, both pictured right, freakin' HERE.

This morning I stooped to directly soliciting entries from a certain Canuckian and a particular North Cackalackian, both known for their Photo-shopping prowess. I have a feeling I might regret it.

Time — like the offspring of a union between Danny Devito and Ashley Olsen would almost certainly be — is short this morning, so straight to the contest entries we go.


Speaking of Ashley Olsen...the dude above looks old enough to be her dad. Oh wait, he is old enough to be her dad. A teen dad, but her dad nonetheless. This entry is from Michael Eastwood, the stache belongs to his father-in-law, who may have grown the thing as part of a sort of method Halloween costume...

"Speak softly and carry a big stache!"

Before I go on to discuss the entry directly above, I would like to address the entry at the very top of the post. That one is from Mandy Wisell. She used a Burt Reynolds stache for her collage. The look in Lance's eyes, coupled with the cheesy-ass stache makes for an incredible effect. It kind of says:

"I am going to try to mate with whatever it is I'm looking at...even if it's a couch."

The entry directly above is from Charles Beal. When Charles was born, computers were as big as skyscrapers, were powered by coal, and required hundreds of eunuch-slaves to operate them. Despite that, he did an amazing job capturing the killer-attitude of Lance.


This is the second entry from Todd "20poundskull" Prekaski, I would call it, with no real understanding of the words coming out of my mouth: "The Fer-De-Lance Armstrong." This look is what Lance would have gone with if he really, really wanted to enamor himself to the French people. You can just picture him throwing up his arms on a roller coaster and yelling "OUIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!"


And this, this comes to us from (go figure) Canada. The freedom-hating-puppy-kicking Craig "The Original Big Ring" Barlow is the creator of this affront to life, liberty, and the pursuit of multiple Le Tour wins. The sooner we build that wall to keep all those lazy Canadians from coming down and stealing our jobs the better.

And that is all for the contest. Hopefully we'll have some more entries to look at tomorrow, and then we'll put it to a vote. I cannot guarantee, with any certainty, that it will be any less of a massive shit show than the recent elections in Myanmar.

And for the unfortunate readers who use Big Bikes as the filter through which they receive all their cycling and mustache-related news: The Danny MacAskill video The Way Back Home.
You don't have to appreciate cycling to appreciate this one, it is a thing of absolute beauty.

And this kid might be the future of American Cyclocross. I have no idea how to judge the age of children... he could be anywhere between three and thirteen, regardless, it's weird watching something that small, handle a bike that well.

Geekhouse CX Party Highlights And Post-Dance Interviews

Geekhouse Middlesex Lounge CX Party 2010 from thom parsons on Vimeo.

Too hot for Cyclingdirt....

and too time consuming in the making to allow for any analysis, today, of Lance Armstrong Mustache Ride contest entries (tomorrow for that).

See you then.

Delays, Diversions, and Something Else That Begins With D That I Can't Think Of Right Now

"So when are going to write your 'party report'...tonight?"

- Steven Hopengarten

Right, so that didn't happen. Geekhouse party report and perhaps, I say perhaps, video will be up later...or tomorrow. For now I will direct your attention to the probably-far-superior-to-anything-that-I'm-going-too-write-here-today-post over on Bike Rumor I wrote last night.

The new regulation would also require recumbent riders’ shorts to be longer than their beards.

I will also be posting a whole bunch of Lance Armstrong Mustache Ride For The Roses photos later on. It's not too late to win a Geekhouse pint glass and a Team Awesome T-Shirt, contest details HERE.

Monday Morning Breakfast Special: Bacon And Scrambled Brains

Before I inevitably become horribly sidetracked, piss off the Christian right, and garner more death threats, I want to give an update on the Lance Armstrong Mustache Ride For The Roses Contest: Currently Todd "20poundskull" Prekaski is holding a HUGE lead (as the only entrant thus far) with the above Lance-Stache image. Unless someone steps up to Todd, he will easily walk away with the big W, much like the United States has walked away with the World Series win every single year since its inception. While he is walking away so easily, Todd will be carrying a Geekhouse pint glass and a Team Awesome T-Shirt.


If you think you have what it takes to knock off 20poundskull off the one-tiered podium, send your photo-shopped image of Lance with a stache to wellonabigbikeya@gmail.com with the subject-line: MUSTACHE RIDE!



Remember: Geekhouse Party TONIGHT (Monday), 7-Midnight, at the Middlesex Lounge in Cambridge.


I'd call the Geekhouse party "the cycling-related-social event of the year," if, I say if, I hadn't attended the Skinsuit birthday party for SBZ on Friday at the privately-owned home of Results Rooter. The party was skinsuit-themed, but any one-piece outfit was acceptable. I chose to push the limits of what was acceptable by purchasing, at Goodwill, a black denim, sleeveless jump suit that made up for its lack of sleeves with a hood and belt loops. Yes, belt loops.

It's what Elvis Stojko would wear...while performing a routine to a Danzig song.

It was so tight (how tight was it?), it was so tight that if the previous owner suffered from a venereal disease; I now I have that disease.

While prepping to go out and monitoring the veritable hurricane of Skinsuit Party-related activity on the Twitters, I felt compelled, for some reason, to search for an image of the "gayest figure skating outfit." This is what came up:


An image that caused Stevil to exclaim "Edward Fabulous Hands!"

Please understand something, in my book: Gayness = Awesomeness, but if I'd Googled "Most awesome figure skating outfit" the above image would have been (Googling "Most awesome figure skating outfit" now...) not the second image to show up but the...ninth. Alright, so I could have probably found it without defaulting to my "People are generally homophobic-dicks mode" and Googling away blindly based on my prejudice about people's prejudices, but I was under pressure.

Of course, when you Google something like "gayest figure skating outfit" you should expect trouble, and trouble is what I found. You might recall that, a week or so back, I unwittingly stepped into the internet equivalent of a flaming bag of dog shit. It happened again this time, I stumbled into a thread on Landover Baptist Church's forum entitled:

Tour De France Beats Out Figure Skating-Now World's Gayest Sport

One woman, calling herself "MidwestCatLady" commented:

Speaking of faggy sports. I have always been sickened by the Olympic Bobsled. I could not find an image of how these "guys" are piled into the sled but you know they are touching their manly parts to each other's behinds. I almost think this is worse than the Homo bike Nazi's. The Bobsled teams wear that revealing spandex too.

I read on, and a guy calling himself "Negative_Cool" had this to add:

Signs that cycling has been taken over by homers:

1. Obsession with Leg Shaving
2. Lycra - official clothing material of mardis gras.
3. Constant Drug scandals - we all know how much homers enjoy their chemical fuelled disco orgies.
4. Most prestigious race is the Tour de France - one of the gayest countries in Europe.
5. Body position while racing - that "bent over" position is reminiscent of other homer activities.

And I couldn't help myself, I kept on reading:

God reminded all of the homosexual cyclists riding in the Tour de France of the errors of their ways by smashing noted German queer cyclist Jens Voigt's face with a what we Scientheists call a Warning Smiting.

In a Warning Smiting, the non-believer is not killed outright. God, in His great and loving mercy, only wounds the sinner, giving him a chance to mends his ways.

It is obvious, especially in the super slow motion replay, that the Lord simply nudged the bicycle out from under the sodomite. If He had wanted to kill Mr. Voigt, He would have simply made him ride off the side of the road and plummet to his death. The fact that God only crushed his cheek bones and give him a concussion shows just how merciful He can be.

I was dumbfounded, totally, freaking appalled. And it got worse, a dude called Captain A. Portway linked to a photo of Alberto Contador with the caption:

Some stupid Mexican queer is about to win the Tour de Fags!

By this point I was reeling, but, unfortunately I kept going and read this response to a dissenter who claimed that football was, quite possibly, more gay than cycling:

Fail The majority of the players in the NFL are Negroes (except for the important positions). Most are on steroids and PCP so tight fitting clothing is of the utmost importance or the Negroes would quickly disrobe each each other with brute strength. That would be a spectacle that NO Christian would watch.

The dogpiles and "man on man" that arouse the homofag in you are simply a fight to control the football. Have you studied the game and the importance of maintaining posession of the pigskin?

Patting on the butt is not the homo erotica you want it to be. I've raised a son and often "patted" him on the butt when he disobeyed me. NFL players are criticizing a teammate's play and encouraging them to try harder when they give a firm slap.

Stop reading gayness into an American sport where NONE exists

Nothing I like better than a day of beer (in moderation) watching the spooks fight for the football

In Jesus!

After I read that last post, I couldn't take it any more, I threw up my hands and stormed away from the computer, put on a tight denim skinsuit (with a hood and belt loops) and rode off into the night.

What I didn't realize is that I had fallen victim to Poe's Law:

Without a winking smiley or other blatant display of humor, it is impossible to create a parody of Fundamentalism that SOMEONE won't mistake for the real thing.

Landover Baptist Church is made up, and what I'd been reading was a parody of a whack-job Christian forum. After reading all the INSANE comments below that David Duke video I guess my sense of irony was temporarily impaired...damaged. I was uncharacteristically accepting of the now, obviously absurd statements beings being made on the Landover Church forum.

In this case, I was so glad the joke was on me.

And, now that I know it's a joke...

"Some stupid Mexican queer is about to win the Tour de Fags!"

Uh, pretty frickin' funny.

And now! More photos from the skinsuit party with captions!


Adam Myerson showed up wearing an outfit that one-billion-upped mine: a one piece thong bathing suit. Prior to the party he had tweeted something like "You know it's a good costume if you wish you shaved your ass." When he saw that SBZ's parents were in attendance, he waffled, acting uncharacteristically bashful...ultimately changing into a run-of-the-mill cycling uni. If anyone has photographic evidence of Myerson's original outfit, please, either Tweet it to me (see sidebar) or send it to wellonabigbikeya@gmail.com.


Bashful? Not the word to describe Murat. He stood around all might in a frickin' Speedo, which thankfully is hidden in shadow in the above photo. LPB is looking all furtive because she's killing the lights, to provide better mood-lighting for...

KEG STANDS. I went to art school, we didn't do keg stands. I guess I really missed out.

SBZ's husband Michael may not have adhered to the letter of the skinsuit party law, but his vintage BMX racin' outfit was SICK. If you've got any doubt as to whether Michael rocked the shit out of that suit back in the day, while getting totally rad, check this out:


I bet Michael is so stoked. He just became Facebook friends with me five minutes ago and I'm already stealing his photos for my personal use. Sorry Mike, the world has to know how rad you are.

It was the kind of dance party where shoes like these were nothing but a liability.

Name those legs.

Cary is suffering from a really bizarre and unfortunate form of male-pattern-chest-hair-baldness...this is the only patch left. He should get some Rogaine going on that shite or something.

Tonight: Geekhouse party. Tomorrow: party report.

Sighted: Glenn Danzig Buying Kitty Litter In A Mt. Borah Blaze Camo Jersey

This just in from the Mt. Borah E-Newsletter (that I have not yet opted out of), Glenn Danzig was sighted buying kitty litter while wearing a Mt. Borah "Blaze Camo" jersey, which happens to be this month's Jersey of The Month!

In case you were wondering if the Acting Interim Assistant to The Viscount of Darkness could fall any further, the answer is yes, yes he can.


Glen "with two N's" Danzig was quoted as saying:

"They called the jersey "The Hunter" in the Mt. Borah E-Newsletter that I subscribe to... motherfucker, and I wrote a song once called "The Hunter," so I thought WHOAH! I'm gonna buy that jersey and cut the sleeves off and wear it out to buy kitty litter, um...motherfucker."

All I know is that if I were the not-funny, white Dave Chappelle, I would have a skit on my show called: E! True Hollywood Story: Glenn Danzig.

OK, I know one more thing: there used to be a Youtube video floating around where someone had overdubbed a mumbling, almost Homer Simpson-like voice over the video for Danzig "Mother" and it was fecking hilarious. Now it appears to have been taken down for copyright reasons. If someone could find a way to find that, I would love it.

Oh wait, there is a god...and his name is Uri Halevi. Uri did a "mash up" of that Danzig parody and a video from Highland mountain bike park on his now defunct blog, so at the very least you can hear the audio, do it!

And then somebody PLEASE re-dub it over Danzig Mother.

Since the douche-nozzles at Sony pulled the Danzig Mother-parody off Youtube and poor Glenn hasn't taken enough abuse with the whole kitty litter business recently...

Here's a video of him getting knocked out:

Back in the olden-days of the inner-net it was actually hard to find this video, it was a major accomplishment if you could.

Man, I always think these Saturday posts are going to end up being a video with a caption...no wonder Twitter's 140 character limit causes me so much angst.

Lance Armstrong's Mustache Ride For The Roses: A Reader Contest

The other day, one of Lance Armstrong's tweets caught my eye. The guy tweets almost as much as Results-Rooter or Adam Myerspace, (although I'm following 150-something people on Twitter, sometimes I feel like I'm following two dudes who talk way too much about 'cross-related minutiae) so oftentimes I tend to skim Lance's tweets, but this one stood out:






I'm devastated...shooting a new spot for Mich Ultra and the bosses asked me to shave my @movember stache. Damn!

Lance's nascent Movember dirt-stache...not much of a loss. I've seen better mustaches on naked mole rats suffering from alopecia.

Now, there are people out there who have their problems with Lance for whatever reason. Sometimes he has a problem with them too.


But I also have a problem with Lance, my problem is that he is lying to us all. The man is a fraud.

There is no way he is a drinker of Michelob Ultra...no way. I have it on semi-good authority that he is a big drinker of Lone Star beer. Never mind rifling through dumpsters, looking for blood bags; someone should be rummaging through Armstrong's recycling bin, looking for bottles of Ultra...I bet they don't find any.

I want him to be dirty...dirty in the not-drinking "Mich Ultra" department. Since alcohol consumption in commercials is prohibited, Lance may have never actually imbibed a single ounce of the abhorrent beverage. I sure hope not anyway. I hope he is perpetrating the biggest scam in a product endorsement history.

The corporate fat cats at Anheuser-Busch bullied Lance into shearing the stache, and I personally know just how it feels to be bullied into changing your appearance for a lucrative job...I once removed two nose rings and thirteen earrings to land a killer job as a night janitor at Squaw Valley (hey, I got a free season's pass). I feel his facial adornment-removal-related pain. Mow it's mearly mid Movember and poor Lance is stache-less. (It's grammatically appropriate to change all the N's to M's in a sentence when the word "Movember" is present.)

Here's how you can help...


You can get on the Photoshop and Photo-shop-up a new stache for Lance like I did above, or, if you have the Photoshop skills of a three-year-old...cat, you can easily come up with something far superior. You don't have to use the above photo, I encourage you to scour the inner-net for other, potentially more interesting photos of Lance to mustache-ify. You can draw the stache on, take a photo of found materials applied to an actual, real live photo (pubes are obvious and discouraged), or do the lazy-ass, me-type thing and steal one off a picture of some dude on the inner-net.

Note to Needle-Devil-Man: Using Hitler, Stalin, or Saddam Hussein (those last two are the same thing aren't they?) mustaches is obvious but not entirely discouraged.

The mustache I stole belongs to Marty Walsh of Geekhouse Bikes in Allston, MA. Oh, and the teeth too. I think it looks better on Marty...the teeth/mustache combo. Before I go on to talk more about Marty...and parties...and mustache rides, let me finish telling you about this so-called contest.

Contest Details:

1. Photoshop your stache on Lance
2. Send the image to wellonabigbikeya@gmail.com (cut and paste it alright) with the subject line: Mustache Ride!
3. I will post the entries as I get them throughout next week along with links to the entrants blogs or Twitter pages or whatever. Ooh, ooh, you will get such mad traffic, it'll be SICK!
4. Thursday we'll put it to a VOTE
   
5. On Friday I will post the winner
6. The winner will receive...a FREE mustache ride from Marty!
   

I'm kidding. Unless it's cool with Marty. In that case I'm not.

Like Marty always says: "You can't spell PARTY without 80% of the letters in my name."

OK, the winner will receive a yet-to-determined Geekhouse soft good. Which I will hopefully be bamboozling Marty into giving to me for free at the GEEKHOUSE PARTY on Monday.



I may have mumbled something on the Facebook about elaborating on yesterday's Race Across The Sky Two post, but I got so wrapped up in all this "mustache ride" talk that I have clean run out of time. Maybe a secret weekend post for that...who knows, I sure don't.

Wow, I just realized how dirty this post is...but only if you know what mustache rides are. Good thing people who don't already know what mustache rides are, and might be offended if they did, also don't know how to Google things.