Friday, September 11, 2009

Hey You Cat 1 Morons,
Stop Being Morons,
Come Race Landmine
and Win a Freakin' Bike

Before I say anything else (I can't promise that I have anything else to say tonight) Let me just say, "what the hell is everyone's problem?" (wait, do I have to put it in quotes if it's always me talking here?) I'm looking at the Pre-Reg List for Landmine this Sunday, it's looking slim, particularly in Cat 1 fields. What's up with that? GT is offering a free bike if you win, you slackers. Of course it's a hideous Golden colored bike which I don't really approve of for several reasons which I won't go into (little wheels, it's not a Fisher, it's squishy), but don't let that stop you; win it, and sell it.

I'm not really up on all the rules and the site is all slow right now so I can't brush up my Golden Bike knowledge, but it is my understanding that you get flown around to a random assortment of Golden Bike events, defending your Golden Bikeness, getting put up in a hotel and followed around by cheesy cheesy cheerleaders. What's wrong with that? OK, some stuff is wrong with that. So, like the bike you sell the cheerleaders. Oh, they don't have that category on Craigslist? Look, news flash, Arab Sheiks don't buy the white sex slaves for their harems on Craigslist. Just find out where they do buy them and then sell The Golden Girls or whatever they're called wherever that might be.

James did an analysis of possible winners, men who could topple The Golden Bike God and roll off into next season with the Golden Bike. I think it'll be a tough battle between Colin and Kevin, but I'm biased.

Who knows if the program will continue into next year and how that'll work if it does. All I know is that if the number of Cat 1s registered for Sunday is any indication of how incredibly successful the promotion has been overall, they'll probably scrap it, but at the very least you'll have an ugly, expensive bike to sell on Ebay this winter.

Why every sand-bagging Elite Roadie and Cross Guy in New England isn't jumping all over that shit, I don't know.

For those of you that think I'm being a little bit of a douche today just look at the photo above of my nephew (just before I threw him off a dock) looking adorable in a sweet pair of Dolomites, and me looking spent and Abe Lincoln-like. Or just look at the photo below of the flowers and the artistically designed wood piles, the sight of which made me feel warm inside. I'm not that bad really.

Oh, my chances at Landmine....hmm. All I have to say on that is that I had a nightmare last night. I walked up behind a man playing a piano, wearing a creepy mask. I tried to restrain myself, but I simply had to see his face. I ripped the mask off, and there before me stood - Alec Petro!


James said...

I don't think you can sell it.

"For starters, you’ll get the Golden Marathon Team or Zaskar Team. And we’ll help you defend it at the next race by flying you and a friend there, putting you up for two nights and giving you your own personal GT Golden Mechanic. We'll also give you a $250 Sugoi gift certificate and a Golden Race jersey. But most importantly, you’ll enjoy the fame and glory inherent in winning the Golden Bike. That is, until you lose it."

So there it is you get "fame and glory" Typical. Not even "Frame and glory," but you do get the golden fleece and some money to buy some clothes.

But there is the plus of two nights with a golden bike mechanic. I bet they're "freaky"

rick is! said...

alec petro terrorizes you too? I thought he only did that to me in endurance events...

CB2 said...

So I can't put it in one of those "Cash For Gold" envelopes, send it to the refinery and wait for my check?

Big Bikes said...

That's right, "until you lose it". "Hi I'm here for my free plane ride to the next race, um, what's that you say? This isn't the Zaskar? It's a Rigid Niner Single Speed? Oh ya, that's right...I lost The Zaskar, just lost, have no idea where I put it...I checked under the couch".

It's all about the wording, your legal team will totally be able to work with that.

My assumption is that you will win the bike at the last event, then receive a call sometime over the winter telling you that the program has been discontinued, leaving you with a sellable bike.


Colin R said...

I would have prereg'ed but my bike is at IBC with a dead rear wheel. I wonder who could help me out...

zencycle said...

Landmine is painful. I raced landmine a few years ago when it was during the summer, and it hurt. Really bad. I saw broken bikes. Lots of them. Bob bisson broke his scalpel. No, not scapula, his cannondale. Lefty fork, front axle snapped. That wasn't the only broken bike. I didn't break mine, but I had trouble moving my arms from riding position for a few days. I'll be racing in topsfied tomorrow and that bedford cross race on sunday. Both way closer to home and not nearly as painful.

Rigidnsingle said...

The next golden bike race isnt till next year, plenty of time to trash that GT.

Anonymous said...

You do look like Abe.

Anonymous said...

It may be because you need a USA Cyling licence to race as a Cat 1...I'm racing as a Cat 2 and I think there will be a lot of guys who would be Cat 1's racing as Cat 2s...(EFTA guys).