Big Bikes

April Fools!

Ha, ha very funny. Jesus...ugh...this was a good one.

Last year Miriam (my fiance) tried to get me with a bike related April Fools joke. There were holes in her plot, and I went from skeptically intrigued to outright dubious within minutes. This was the email she hit me with:

Dear valued customer:

To kick off the 2008 road/mountain bike season we are starting our 1st annual bike giveaway. Your name was selected as one of the last 5,000 people to contact Trek Bikes. To win your 2008 Madone 5.2 Pro (road bike) or Top Fuel 9.8 (mountain bike), you must be one of the first 5 people to respond to this email. This is no gimmick. The only "string attached" is that the winners of this prize must commit to 4 public appearances (in your region) and participate on our Trek Blog,writing about your adventures on the bike. Please do not respond if a) you don't want either of the 2 bikes offered OR b) if you are unwilling to make the public appearances and blog entries.

Reply Quick and Good Luck!

Waterloo, Wisconsin
Trek Bikes
http://www.trekbikes.com/us/en/
801 W Madison St
Waterloo, WI 53594

My reply was:

"Hi, I'd sure love that bike!"

Just on the off chance it wasn't a total load of crap.
She did make it look pretty pro with the official looking Trek Bikes signature, but there was one problem...the email address it emanated from was:
trekbikegiveaway@gmail.com
Made up. Trek doesn't use gmail addresses. That's for sure. The jig was up.

That was then, this is now. She must have spent the year at some sort of Super Secret Ninja-Jedi-Prankster training School. I was wondering what all those late nights were about. This is the email I got just a little earlier tonight from Bill Hand, IBC's Outside Trek Rep:

Hey Thom,

I am writing with some very unfortunate news. There is an impending recall of all 2009 Superflys. We have recently learned of several instances of a catastrophic delamination failures at the head and downtube joint. Obviously due to the seriousness of this type of defect, immediate action is required. We have been advised from Trek to instruct all Superfly owners to not ride this bike under any circumstance. Luckily production was limited, so getting in touch with all current owners should not be too big a problem. This situation just came to my attention earlier today and we have not had a chance to talk with shop management yet. Trek/Gary Fisher is planning an official release of information to all dealers by the end of the week, but as a personal friend, I wanted to get word out to you asap. I know the race season is upon you and I don’t want you suffering the same fate as a couple of other riders. I am hoping that you can keeps this under wraps until we can properly notify Gregg and other shop managers. I will be in later this week to discuss warranty replacement options. We will not be able to provide you with another Superfly as the issue has yet to be resolved, but we will do our best to get you on a ride that makes you almost, if not equally as happy. Look for a new and improved model for 2010! I am in meetings the rest of the day, but shoot me an email so I know you received word. I will sleep better knowing you aren’t out there riding that bike. I will call tomorrow to see when you are in to talk about a replacement bike.

Thanks for your understanding


Bill


Let me try to describe the runaway roller coaster of emotions I went through over the very few minutes Miriam allowed me to swing in the breeze for. I was devastated, honestly. Maybe this will sum it up. After staring glassy eyed at my monitor, my chest tightening, my breath becoming shallow (I'm not exaggerating here) I said to Miriam "I have some really bad news, I mean, no one died...but it's pretty bad". My Superfly being recalled - Someone dying. Scale just ever so slightly tipping toward death.

This line hurt the most:
"we will do our best to get you on a ride that makes you almost, if not equally as happy".

Equally happy? Other ride? There is no other ride! No other ride! BWAAH! Oh, the places my mind went. So dark. I will try to list them.

Shit, what am I going to do? I'm racing Sunday, I have to ride it. No, I'll have to get the Ferrous race ready again. damn. My shoulder's still jacked, the rigid fork will kill me. I'll get a suspension fork, can I get it in time? I really don't want to spend that money. Shit, what bike could replace the Superfly. The Rig is alright, but the Superfly, so light, so stiff, so much better. Argh, I was going to go on a four hour epic and stop by the shop tomorrow and do some silly, crazy crap with the bike,
it was going to be so entertaining for the readers of Big Bikes, it really was, now what? NOW WHAT? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

I'm not kidding, except for kind of with the last part, not the
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
part, the part before that. But there is still some truth there, you'll have to wait and see. Maybe Monday for that, I have to drink some more red wine and try to get my heart to stop palpitating.

Explanation. Apparently Miriam talked to a few people who helped add credibility to the scenario. These are the folks who were complicit in this crime:

- Jason Paige and Jason Girouard for giving up Bill Hand's email. I hate guys named Jason.
- Pete Verdone for providing the technical sounding jargon. I'm going to start sending people Xmas presents this year. Pete is getting poop.
- Bill Hand for sending the email, which Miriam scripted 100% herself, he just sent it along. Bill, next time you stop by the shop, you're getting a banana in your tailpipe.

Thanks guys, you really got me. How shall I ever repay you (bastards).