Big Bikes

How to Get Yourself Killed, Crippled, Maimed, or possibly Arrested On a Bike

This morning I was riding into work, running the helmet cam, concentrating as hard as I could on riding in a safe and legal fashion. I always feel like the way I ride is relatively safe (legal...I plead the fifth) it's all about comfort level. Though today I was trying to make a sort of instructional video for folks who are thinking of commuting by bike, much like our now former President (Woo Hoo!)...I am going to get people killed.

Can I really tell people that the best way to keep a semi-truck from cutting you off as It merges in from the turnpike is to remove your hands from the bars and wave them up and down while sitting bolt upright and making faces like you're screaming in terror? Probably not.

Can I tell them that the best way to deal with a Cop Car cutting you off horribly (to be seen in my next video) is to give him a big thumbs up? While sarcasm directed toward an officer is technically not a crime it is a good way to get hit in the head with a baton.

We'll see if I can come up with an edit which doesn't warrant the title "How to Get Yourself Killed, Crippled, Maimed, or possibly Arrested On a Bike". It does roll off the tongue though, has certain lyrical quality to it.

Sometimes during my ride to work I have to stop to pee, it happens, it's part of nature. I have my spots. One is kind of wooded with the potential for ambush by dog walkers, homeless men, and runners. I wear bibs. The position you must adopt to have a wee in bibs is awkward and strange. Standing bent over a bit, legs locked at the knee, butt sticking out, hand pulling down the front of the bibs. A passerby might wonder "Why is that man with prosthetic legs grabbing his crotch while he attempts to vomit directly on his shoes?".

Few things in life give you the instantaneous relief of emptying your bladder. Thing are so bad just prior, then quickly become so good. Well, not really so good, just not quite so bad comparatively. One act that might be right up there is getting out of cold, wet socks. After my commute the other day I tried to tough it out, walking around in my soggy socks. Ultimately I broke down and purchased a new pair of DeFeet Classico wool socks (if you want more shameless product promotion, check out my post over at the IBC Blog on winter commuting wear). In the words of Chris Rock "My feet was feelin' GOOD!". Caps and an exclamation point...now that's loud.

Oh yes, the Unicycle. It's winter at the bike shop, time to learn new skills. My new skill is injuring myself with a unicycle. My feeble attempts to ride the thing properly have lead me to adopt a new tactic - I have a coworker pick the one wheeled demon from hell up, twirl like an Olympic Discus Thrower, and hurl it at my nuts with great force.
Much more to the point.