Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Bells - Hell Yeah!

The other night I walked into the package store looking for beer in cans, and while I love me some Dale's Pale in cans, I wasn't exactly in the mood for a super-hopped out beverage on that night. For some "inexplainable" (it's a word...in Somerville) I was drawn to the Red Stripe, like a moth to a flame of questionable quality, but then I saw them: Brooklyn Lager in Cans! I let out an audible "that is AWESOME." I'm working on a treatment of this story for a children's book, anyone know any publishers?

Before I go on, I just have to say that the phrase "Hell Yeah!" should be copyrighted by Shanna Powell of Endless Bikes. And if not copyrighted then at the very least everyone else should retire it, I mean just stop saying it, because she says it the best. Of course that won't stop me from writing it (or saying it while doing an impression of Shanna saying it...that's OK).

Hey, by the way...I'm an idiot. But you already knew that. When I set up my Superfly XX, I was so amped to ride that I didn't read any instructions. Why would I need instructions? Ive been something like a bike mechanic for something like way too freaking long, I don't need no stinking instructions! Right? Riiight. Now I didn't royally screw anything up, all I did was install my lockout button for the Reba snugly and ergonomically against the brake lever. It just tucked in right there nice and perfect looking. Then it happened. I was reading the Sram XX tech manual over coffee (like people do) and I saw the bit on installing the matchmakers (the hoogies that allow you to install your brake levers and shifters to the same clamp). I realized that I had missed the fact that you can install the brake lever/shifter/lockout button ALL on the same clamp. Silly, rushing off to ride without reading the manual me.

Holy crap, now my bars look like I'm riding a single speed again — sick. I thought the knob was incredibly accessible before I moved it to its proper position, now I'm going to be off my tits with all the access I have to the thing.

There's just one little problem Sram...where the hell is the spot on the matchmaker for my frickin' bell? I've got X speeds and Zero place to put my bell. How the hell do Jeremy-Horgan Kobelski and Julien Absalon ride this crap?

Which leads me to my next point: bells, I love them.

The other day at Four Guys Bike Shop, a group of my co-workers were talking about how stupid bells are. I had to weigh in and set them straight: "Ya, once you've gone horse from yelling 'on your left!' at lapped riders, then maybe you'll understand the purpose of a bell."

OK, I've never gone horse (or hoarse) from yelling "on your left" at lapped riders, I've gone horse from yelling "you should say on your left!" at riders lapping me. OK, that's not true either, but I did literally lose my voice from saying "on your left" to about 3,500 riders as I passed them on my way to finishing top five in the Boston to New York AIDs ride. There was more truth in that last sentence than in any of the others.

Speaking of which (you decide what we're speaking about: winning charity rides, bells, other...), a funny thing happened to me on the way to work Sunday. I stopped for coffee at the Allston Cafe, and there, next to the line inside the cafe, was a beautiful white Gaulzetti. The line was long and the wait for my food was longer and all the while I'm going "where the hell is Craig?" (as in Craig Gaulzetti, owner and designer of the bike). I looked around the place, he's nowhere to be seen, and it's been over ten minutes. Even if he ate Hess station hot dogs for dinner chased with a few too many "cheap domestic pilsners" the night before, there was no way he would have been in the bathroom that long.

Eventually I called IBC and he picked up, I said "Hey dude, I just saw a homeless guy riding a white Gaulzetti down Brighton Ave." "Oh FUCK!" he replied. Unlike my wife, I was incapable of letting him squirm and writhe due to my prank for more than a few seconds. "No, it's at Allston Cafe, you want me to bring it to the shop?"

He had gone to the cafe straight from a ride, changed his clothes, and totally spaced the bike. I used to to do that with my skateboard all the time, but I have a feeling that the "Oh fuck!" associated with leaving a $60 skateboard leaning against the candy rack at CVS and the "Oh FUCK!" associated with doing it with your $6,000 bike are not really comparable. Hence the lower case on the skateboard version. I have a worse story about pulling a move like that with a bike that puts this one to shame, but I have yammered way too long already tonight. That, as they say, is a story of Thom P.'s epic stupidity for another day.


P.S. - Bells, I love them, so fuck you.


gewilli said...

Brooklyn - FYeah - drank way ton of Brooklyn lager and Elm City Ale in college... along with the beast...

Tall boys are the best. Drinking a regular bottle feels like ya getting cheated now, gone way too soon.

750s or tall boys FTW!

And bells, i'm about ready to take them off the kids bike and put em on the commuter - i'm tired of shouting on the bike path every day...

Colin R said...

it's spelled hoarse, yo! or whores. one of the two, for sure.

zencycle said...

Bells are good, as long as they don't say 'shimano' on them.

Big Bikes said...

Cans are lighter when you have to ride home weith them in your bag too. Except you don't have anything to smash on the rocks at some beautiful vist-point in the woods.

Colin, how do you know I wasn't making horse noises at lapped riders, huh? I'm not fixing that.

As Todd Downs would say, "you say Shimano, I say Shiman-Yes!"

solobreak said...

You don't know what hoarse is until you've spent two weeks walking a picket line yelling "let the brothers go!" like Paul Newman in Fort Apache, the Bronx. It was just more fun than yelling stuff like "the man exploits working people."

I like bells because I'm all civilized and shit. My grandparents braved the U-Boat infested icy Atlantic so that I could have a better life, not so I could sit behind baby carriages yelling "on your left" just to get through Borderland.