Wednesday, May 26, 2010





Breck Epic Blogger Grant/
Geekhouse Party Photos


Today is my birthday, it's true. I know I didn't get you anything for yours, but don't let that stop you from getting something for me. Well, not getting something, more like doing something. And that something would be going over to the Breck Epic facebook page and voting for Thom "Rocky Donizetti" Parsons for the blogger grant. It won't cost you a thing, except maybe a little bit of your privacy apparently. But don't let that stop you, get over there and do it, it'll just take a second.

There are fifteen contestants and the top four get into the 6 day mountain bike stage race in Colorado for free AND they get to blog about on Outside Magazine online or some other reputable outfit leading up to and during the race (at least that was the deal last year, not so sure what, precisely, the deal is this year). I'm pretty sure you don't even have to be a facebook member to vote either, so you have no excuse for not voting other than the fact that you hate me and think I'm kind of a dick. Actually that right there is a great reason to vote for me. Six days of brutal racing at elevation...cast your vote and watch me squirm.

Do it out of love, do it out of loathing, but whatever you do, don't not do it.

I took an early lead this afternoon, but I was quickly and summarily overtaken by former track phenomenon Sarah Uhl. Not far behind me are two guys:Steven "Johnny Oak" Thompson and Fixie Dave "Sweet Jiggles" Nice. It's fun we all have porn names, mine is not made up, which is kind of incredible. Voting ends June 11th, this will not be the last you hear of this I'm afraid.

Below is my Breck Epic Blogger grant contest application, interspersed with totally unrelated photos of the open Geekhouse last Saturday night. I had to make two quick edits from the original — I mixed up the words "site" and sight" and the Animal House characters Otter and Boone, other than that it is in its original form.


Brian Kelly mooshed up his face BMXing

Porn Name: "Rocky Donizetti."This is not made up, I swear (going with the first pet/first street name formula). Our cats were named "Rocky and "Snowball." You may have heard of my sister: "Snowball Donizetti." I think my parents were paid a visit by a seemingly unstoppable cycborg-assasin who had been sent back from the year 2029 by a collective of artificially intelligent computer-controlled machines bent on the extermination of the human race, but when he got to their house he just said, "Hey you guys, you know what would be hilarious..."

Hometown: Wrentham, MA. Where we drop our R's, pick them up again, and put them back in words where they don't belong. "Dyude, I need a slice of pizzer (pronounced pete's-ur) wicked bad kid." It is also not unheard of to punctuate a sentence with an F-bomb for no apparent reason...F-in'.


The event was sponsored by PBR and they couldn't keep the stuff in the house. 90 beers lasted about 9 minutes.


What bike you gonna ride?: Gary Fisher Superfly with the crazy SRAM XX. I've been racing exclusively Single-Speed for over three years, I'm going from one gear to 20 gears, so it's gonna be wicked weird.

Why does it rule? (100 words or less): The Superfly is the baddest bike I have ever ridden. It is lighter, stiffer, and better-handling than any bike I have pedaled. I have tried to set up "B bikes" to ride so I won't trash my race rig, but they don't compare. I'm miserable riding anything besides my Superfly. I'm lucky though, this season I'll be racing a new geared Superfly and my Superfly Single Speed will become my B Bike (for now, the roles may reverse some day soon).

This guy has a blog called "Big Bags"

Best day ever on your bike? (100 words or less):
The Swank 65 '09. It came at the end of a semi-lackluster season. As far as I was concerned, I was fat and out of shape; just doing the race to have fun. But something weird happened. From the start I was able to keep up with guys like Garth Prosser, Matt Lee, and Sam Koerber. I rode around all day having weird, not-race-like thoughts such as: “Wow, this air is so clean…feels so good in my lungs” and “God damn that is a beautiful view.” And somehow I finished 3rd overall...on a Single Speed.


High Life

Your favorite bumper sticker slogan?: "Practice Random and Senseless Acts" (I made it myself by cutting up and re-wording a "Practice Random kindness and Senseless Acts of Beauty" bumper sticker. I was 19 years old, I thoughtit was very clever.

Who's gonna play you in the Breck Epic movie?: Vince The Slap Chop guy.

Favorite quote/words to live by?:
Hey, I could whip him without a reason, cuz I got the guts. Hey, I got the guts...but the guts need fuel!" -Henry Chinaski, Barfly

Bike polo — the best argument for a disk wheel

100 words (or less!) about you. Feel free to lie.:
I put my pants on one leg at a time, just like everyone else; but you'll never catch me putting on a shirt before my pants. As a child I was traumatized by the scene in "Animal House" where Boone goes over to Katy's house and Donald Sutherland wanders by, wearing nothing but a cardigan. He reaches for something in a high cabinet. The sweater rides up...exposing his pale as porcelain ass to the audience. I remember thinking to myself: "If I gouge my eyes out with chopsticks — right now — will I stop this sight from reaching my brain?"

Quien es mas macho, Glenn Danzig o a Wolf?(Insert two ridiculous opponents, choose the winner, then defend your position about why your victor would dominate: A wolf has big teeth but Danzig knows Jeet Kune do (the Bruce Lee sh-t). A wolf has sharp claws but Danzig knows Muay Thai. A wolf has protective fur but Danzig has lots of bad-ass tattoos and a mesh tank top. A wolf has an acute sense of hearing but Danzig has an acute sense of rocking. Score: Danzig - 1, Wolf - 0 feet from extinction. Danzig once said: “There’s no point in fighting when you know what the outcome will be…me victorious.” For that reason, I shouldn’t even come to the Breck Epic.

Hi, did you vote yet? Go vote, we can do this thing. Thanks youz.


Doug "Who Let The Dougs Out?" Klein, tall bike consultant.

9 comments:

dicky said...

Take no prisoners.

Seven Stars said...

Snowball Donizetti is my favorite actress.

zencycle said...

90 PBRs lasted 90 minutes....Solo didn't mention he went with you (he prides himself on being able to find the cheapest draught PBR in town).

zencycle said...

oh, and here is my own special birthday greeting, just for you:

While riding to work today I happened upon a raven on the side of the road pulling a foot of entrail from a piece of road kill. At that moment, I thought to myself, 'what a great day to be alive'. Happy birthday!

SteveS said...

I rode all the way into Boston for the first time this year this morning. While I was quite happy to see the new bike lanes and signage along Beacon and Comm. Ave, I was bit frightened by the increased number of knuckleheads I saw on bikes once I hit Cleveland Circle. Numnut number one was riding on his aero bars down Beacon St. Now I’ve never ridden on aero bars, but I have to believe your ability to make evasive maneuvers is greatly diminished when you’re on them. Dipstick #2 starting trying to run a red light on Washington St. as I was coming through the green light with other cars mind you. Instead of just stopping he decides to do a little circle in the intersection and almost gets hit by someone turning right. The last one was a guy running red lights and weaving all over the place on Beacon while not wearing a helmet. Even though I knew what the outcome would be, I did inform him that he really should obey the traffic lights and that they sold helmets in stores. This resulted in a series of f-bombs and other comments being lobbed my way. I ran into another guy without a helmet by Tremont. At least he was stopping at the lights.

Anyway, I know it’s got nothing to do with this post, but it was making me think of some of your previous posts the whole time. Perhaps it’s time to do another instructional video for riding in Boston. I think if you just rode around for ½ hour you’d have plenty of footage of things NOT to do while riding your bike.

Enjoy your birthday, now go ride your bike.

Booksy said...

Happy Birthday. I voted for you, because it's your birthday and because I want you to hurt, at elevation, like a man. I also want to make it clear that I'm still pissed you went chicken shit on us and got gears. 20 of them.

Also, I watched that video, of you talking about your bike, and that dude is definitely not funny. Are you on drugs, Thom? Because I am, and they obviously aren't working for me.

On another note, it's clear that despite being pissed about your chicken shit gears I can't stop reading your blog. I try to ignore it but every morning, before I even wake up, you've spewed more stuff that I find entertaining and I can't quit. Thank you?

Also, you should know (though I can't imagine you care, at all) that due to an unfortunate accident requiring knee surgery and a lengthy recovery, I also will be switching to gears. Now I'm the chicken shit.

Jonny Bold said...

Happy B-day Kimbo.

Stevil said...

'Dinky Mariposa'. I'll never get laid.

jeff said...

dude, i didn't know you got older recently. you mid-30's stud. happy birthday!

i voted for you. because i believe in you thom. i do. i do. and your love of pink. not the performer. and cause riding ss is cool. oh wait.

see ya' in vermont!