Thursday, October 29, 2009

Where Do They Go?

The socks. where do they go? I have a pile of orphaned socks on my "bike staging area table." Sometimes their mates come back after a short absence, often they do not. I can understand if they disappeared wait, I can't. I have no understanding of how a washing machine eats socks, if they do at all. I've always kind of pictured the socks slipping through the cracks, getting sucked into the pipes, and washing away to sea. What a nightmare for that poor little sock. Maybe not, I don't know, maybe the little guy has a grand adventure out there — hopping onto a passing freighter and absconding for parts unknown...places I've never been and may never see.

If the socks eloped in pairs, I might never realize they were even missing, but they don't, they never do. They leave one behind...a reminder of the awesome pair of socks I used to have. The bastards. That's the thing, normal folks have normal socks, they buy them in big bags, they usually have piles of socks that are identical, it's not so sad when one goes missing. But bikers, we have very extra-special socks. They cost like ten dollars a pair, they often have some sort of sentimental significance, and we generally don't have multiples of a certain model of sock. Losing a sock is like, no exaggeration, having our hearts ripped out and stomped on.

I generally prefer to enter into discussions like this completely ignorant, with no facts to back up what I'm talking about, just my own delusions and hallucinations to go on, but this time I actually did some "research" (about thirty seconds of it anyway). I googled "where do lost socks go?" This article came up. You can tell it's going to be a humorous piece. You know how? It has the word "seriously" at the beginning of the title. Now that's funny because it's not serious at all.

According to that article the socks don't float off to Alaska and become crab fishermen, they merely get stuck under the agitator ("The Agitator" is actually the nickname of one of my co-workers. Don't worry, he'll never read this, he's too busy over on Glenn Beck's website, getting whipped up into a totally uninformed frenzy of thinly-veiled racism and xenophobia). The author describes how easy it is to remove the agitator to get at what is sure to be a veritable bounty of lost socks. I couldn't take it, I grabbed my camera and clomped down to the basement, hoping to add another chapter to this post, "Oh my god, there are ninety-two pairs of socks in this thing, happy freakin' day! Look, look, it's my errant SSWC 2008 sock...and my Rushin' Revolution sock...and that Swiftwick sock I won at The 24 Hours of Great Glen...I am crapping my pajamas with joy!"

That was not the case.

You know how many socks were in there? Zero. Zero socks, that's how many. What a let down. Do you know what that means though? It means I was right all along, the lost socks are off partying on an island somewhere, drinking boat drinks...boat drinks baby.

The now reduced to 100mm in the front yard Dunderchee and
The Ugliest Bike I've Ever Owned (which actually rides quite well), blocking the exit, creating a fire hazard, or really a "getting fired" hazard. Leaving my bikes in such an obtrusive spot is grounds for dismissal in my marriage.


dicky said...

Rogue socks.

Luke S said...

I have an idea. I'm sure that some, if not many of your socks are of the same material and cut, even if they are different designs. I would postulate that you would advance your "badass revolutionary" cred by wearing two different socks. That way your socks aren't lonely, and you have more socks to wear. Problem solved.

Big Bikes said...

Rogue Socks...great movie idea. Kids watch movies about pirates played my cartoon vegetables...why not Super-Soldier-Rogue-Socks?


Luke, the venerable Jonathan Bruno has already claimed that style. He wears socks based not on cosmetic similarity, but by fabric weight.
This is but one of his great contributions to civilization.

zencycle said...

Actually, luke isn't too far off from current teenage fashion trends. My daughter is in 9th grade, and wears the first two socks that happen to get pulled out of the drawer, I've noticed this on her friends as well.

But the answer to Thoms' laundry quandry: I did a research study on this in 1990 when I was laid off for a few months (thanks to reaganomics). The answer is that they are converted to spare change. The amount of change you get for a sock is a function of the relative value of the sock minus the cost to launder the sock. The higher your energy cost per kilowatt hour, the more expensive your detergent, or the more worn out the sock is, the less change you get in the washer or dryer.

I have a coffee can that's been next to my dryer for the past 5 years and it's about 3/4 full. I can buy alot of socks with that....

Miriam K said...

THOMASS (I Just came up with that extra S thing. clever, right?)!!!! You are so funny. Me firing you boardroom style implies that I am somehow the boss, which is clearly not the case. Remember that time I tried to enforce a rule that no more than 2 bikes were allowed in the living space of our 900 sq. ft. home. How’d that one go over? Oh, I tried and tried to be the bike up stairs Nazi, but to no avail. Go ahead, look around, how many bikes do you see upstairs? No less than 4 I am sure. So please forgive me if I try and hold on to a little dignity as potential rule maker in our family if I now say no more than 2 bikes can be in a doorway that blocks egress…unless you are tired, or one is muddy, or you can convince me that I don’t really need to use that door because I have other options. Please. For the love of Miriam’s let me just have this…..

P.S You want to know where all the socks went….mwaahahahah.

RMM said...

I was going to say...that single speed mtb is quite ugly, especially next to that hot Fuji.

rick is! said...

miriam, I'm allowed NO bikes in the house now. Once in a while I'll sneak a wheel up while I'm working on it but first I have to draw her a bath, open a bottle of wine and slip a tranquilizer in there.

sean said...

As much as I hate runaway socks, I can't help but feel it's a better fate than me wearing holes in them. Besides, I like to think that they've run away to someplace cool where they don't have to be subjected to physical and olfactoral abuse.

Anonymous said...

Hi there, You post is very funny, it is not easy not to laugh (but I hadn´t to though coz I am working, and my boss is in my office...harsh...). You know, I can understand your problem, when you have expensive socks, you have to take care of them...I´m gonna give you a tip: I´m currently using "sockfix" and since, I´ve never ever ever lost a sock in my life (for real, no kidding). As well, they stay by pairs, so you save time, your wife will say "thanks" and will forget about the fact that you have your bikes all around ;-). I buy them online and share the post fees as we give like 5 packs at a time (for me and some of my friends). It´s worth trying it. I hope this is gonna help you Thomas. PS: do we need to write a blog not to appear as "anonymous? Thanks.

Chili Pepper extension sock said...

anonymous, just use the name/url option, like this.

this is one of Thom's socks too. Want it back now?

todddowns said...

Let's continue with this 'boat drink' idea..