Big Bikes

Death by Egg & Cheese

A One Act Play

Adrian Fletcher (A.K.A. Randolph Mantooth) as the EMT
Mark Wahlberg (fifty pounds overweight) as the Officer


What would have been a pleasant morning on the Arlington bike-path is interrupted by a macabre scene: a police officer and an EMT stand over the lifeless, awkwardly displayed body of a gore-tex clad cyclist, his face an unsettling shade of blue. Something odd protrudes from his un-quivering white lips.


Officer: Looks like a anutha clea-ah cut case of a bike-ah retahd flippin' ovah his frickin' baahs n' breakin' his frickin' neck. Whaddayathink guy?


EMT: I dunno chief, it doesn't seem like that haahd of a section of bike path, n' what's that hangin' out of his mouth they-ah?

Officer: Aw dyude, it's a egg n' cheese...I think I'm goona baahf.


EMT: Ya, now that I re-look at the situation he-ah, I think the po-ah bastid choked on that shit.


Officer: N' that thing ain't even a legitimate Dunkin' Donits egg n' cheese eith-ah...whatta weah-do*. N' look-it what he's wearin'. My mah always told me to put on clean undah-wears so that if I got in a caah accident er somethin' I wouldn't have no skid maahks or nuthin'. But lookit the faggoty get up this quee-ah's got on. I'd rather die with shit in my drahs** than in some fruit suit like he's got on.


EMT: Seriously, I wundah if his mutha knows he's gay.


Officer: Fuckin' A right!

EMT: Yup, wasn't the broken neck that killed this freak, it was the egg n' cheese.


Officer: For the luv-ah Christ...well, honestly,
I hope that's how I go —


EMT (interrupting): What? Ridin' around on a bike, lookin' like a gay Spide-ah Man?


Officer: Look, I known yuz a long time kid, but if you don't quit bein' a haah-don, I'm gonna smack you in the fuckin' head so fuckin' haahd, yer kids aah gonna come out fuckin' retahded.


EMT: Geez, whatevah dude, c'mawn, I'm just bustin' yer balls fer Chris sakes.


Officer: Alls I know is that I wouldn't mind goin' like that...death by egg n' cheese...but not that weah-do homemade crap, the real stuff from Dunkin's...with bacon.


* Weirdo
** Drawers