Monday, February 22, 2010

Why I Shave My Legs
(Even in January)

What it comes down to is this: I shave my legs because I want to. Of course I could rattle off a litany of quasi-technical reasons why cyclists, even mountain bikers should shave their legs, but what would be the point? The pro-hairy-leg-lobby would fire back with just as many reasons why you shouldn't shave your legs. For instance, hairy legs are great for their mud-collecting qualities. And then, subsequently, their cleaning of mud-thwarting powers. They give ticks more to grab on to as your legs brush past them in the tall grass (hey, ticks gotta eat too y'know). When you fall on a smooth surface all those long, flowing hairs are great for creating more friction as they are dragged and ripped from their follicles. And then, once they have done a great job of creating a large wound, those same very useful hairs get in the way of the cleaning and disinfecting. Most importantly of all, all that swirling fuzziness is unparalleled in its ability to mask attractive-ripped-biker-leg-muscles.

So I'm not going to pick a fight with the people from the Hair Party, I'm just going to tell you why I shave my legs. And let's get one thing straight; I am not trying to convert you or anyone you know to the hairless elite. I would never do that. I've never asked someone why he doesn't shave his legs, and I don't plan on taking up the habit. I really don't care if you shave your legs or not, in fact, I don't really care about anything you do or don't do. Unless you drive an Escalade and eat egg salad with your mouth open.

Reason #1: It's more awesome than not shaving your legs, I have proof.

In 1972 the number one song on the Billboard top 100 was Don McLean's "American Pie." David Bowie's album "Ziggy Stardust," which was released that same year was not represented on that top 100 list at all, though it boasted tracks like: "Five Years," Star Man," and "Ziggy Stardust." Fact: David Bowie almost definitely had shaved legs under those tight, glimmering pants. Fact:Don McLean probably didn't shave his legs (I could probably lose the "probably" on that one). Conclusion: David Bowie is awesome; Don McLean is not. Therefore shaving your legs is awesome.

Reason #2: It feels awesome when you swim

Well, maybe it's not so much about "feeling awesome," so much as it's about not feeling "not awesome." I love the feeling of going swimming with freshly shaved legs. If you want to feel a sensation similar to this without actually taking a Bic to your appendages, try the following experiment:

  • Put on a thick pair of corduroy pants
  • Go swimming in them
  • Now take off the thick pair of corduroy pants
  • Now go swimming again without the thick pair of corduroy pants on

That is exactly what it's like (especially when, if you don't shave your legs, your legs look like a Wookie's like mine do).

Two reasons...that's all I got. And neither of them have anything to do with cycling. Unless you count "being awesome." Because a feeling of "being awesome" can greatly reduce mental stress levels, leading to huge performance gains.

I was about to launch off on a tangent about how "punk rock" shaving your legs is. But then that leads into a discussion of how "punk rock" lycra is, and then that opens a whole Pandora's can of punk rock worms. I may have to revisit this topic at a later date, seeing as I've already surpassed my new (temporary) daily character limit.

One more thing. I've already written most of my Fat Tuesday post and I'm just gonna say that after the pile of bile I plan on spewing tomorrow, I fully expect to have a mob of clinically obese people holding torches (that are really just sterno chafers they stole from The Old Country Buffet) and pitch forks (which they use as regular forks, as they are commensurate to their portions at The Old Country Buffet) standing (well, not so much standing as sitting on their Lark scooters) outside my house Tuesday afternoon.



Fat Chance said...

You forgot to mention that when you shave your legs it feels like you have a girl in bed with you at night even when you don't. That is the only reason I shave my legs-for the girls.

EndlessBikeCo. said...

i didn't shave my legs from 18-28. When I finally shaved, it was the most amazing feeling to get in a river and feel the flow of the current on my legs.

cha boy said...

open mouthed egg salad and escalades- from my cold dead hands.