Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Like That Time Tom Cruise Finally Admitted That He's Gay


Alright, so there's maybe gonna be a little period of undirected babbling before I get down to the very serious business of producing proper Big Bikes type posts I'm afraid. Right, because Big Bikes usually has so much direction. That's what you come down here for: direction. There's a lot going on...lots of changes. You may have noticed the disappearance of a couple logos on the sidebar, and if you check back sometime soon, you may see the appearance of a couple new logos. It's gonna be huge, like that time Tom Cruise finally admitted that he's gay.



The mobile bicycle repair business is picking up a little steam. I went over to Mission Hill last week to pick up Kevin Porter's bike. KP is legend. Check out Lucas Brunelle's video of Kevin from a few years back.



KP wears long tights almost year round. He always has huge headphones and an even huger smile on. He rides big gears but makes it look like he's spinning a compact crank. How huge? When I went to pick up his bike, he was sitting in his living room, putting his chainrings back on, "Am I putting this thing on right? I can never tell" he asked. "Um ya, but you want it on the other side of the spider, that's the big ring" "NO man...this is my big ring" he said as he held up a 56t chainring that was the size of a freakin' hubcap. His "small ring" is a 52t. Hey, he says he needs to spin more.


KP can be tough to get a hold of, he doesn't answer his phone if it's an unidentified number and he doesn't answer his door, pretty much period, because he's afraid of getting robbed. Man, Mission Hill is rough — robbers...oil spills caused by morons...who knows what's next. 


KP's ride is a Somerville made Royal H. Cycles steel, lugged road frame, very nice.


But he rides Shimano 550's, one of the biggest pain in the ass wheels to true ever. Especially when the last mechanic to touch them replaced some of the proprietary nipples with standard nipples, rendering them even more untruable than they are on a good day. Glenn Beck thinks god is causing earthquakes and wrecking Japan because:

"Hey, you know that stuff we're doing? Not really working out real well. Maybe we should stop doing some of it.' I'm just saying."

I think god is causing earthquakes and wrecking Japan because Shimano makes wheels that are really annoying to true.


I'm a dick and I'm kidding. Glenn Beck is insane and he is serious.


The Sawyer had its first non-snowy trail ride. I'll say this: trying to assess the ride characteristics of a bike while riding in the snow is about as effective as trying to figure out how well a pair of running shoes work by crushing grapes in them. And yes, that is my saddle height, I have the inseam of Zdeno Chara. Speaking of Chara...


That's right. This is just a teaser, more on the VOmax Bruins kit later. 


This bike has been ridden outside about a half dozen times. Apparently Tacx Dynamic Carbon Assembly Paste doesn't do much to prevent rust in a steel frame.

Saturday I got out for a ride in Wompatuck with Jane Hayes and Doug McFadd. Crazy thing is, I had never been to Wompy other than the five or whatever times I've raced it. The place is alright. Wide open speed sections interspersed with technical, rocky sections. Doug caught the first rocky-section-caused-flat of the day and Jane fell soon after. Flats we could deal with, it was just a good thing none of us were riding geared bikes...so much blow down.

Jane's Independent Fabrication 29er single speed.


Sunday I did a big group ride down at Otis Air Force Base. I ride Otis exactly once a year, I think of it as a winter riding spot, but it's legitimately pretty sweet — real fast, real flowy, real fun. It's more west coast than anything else around these parts. Of course if you did hit Otis during the summer it would be horribly hot and miserable and you'd be so traumatized, you'd never want to go again.


Why didn't I get any action shots? Eh, mostly 'cause I was off the back half the time. I blame The Sawyer. Switching from the Superfly to that thing...it's like having someone holding on to the back of your shorts the whole time you're riding. Could be the bike, could be the 15 lbs of superfluous flesh I'm carrying around these days. We'll have to wait for the lab results to come back before we know for sure. The following song describes how I found myself in this state and explains what I'm going to do about it in very specific terms:


I know I had previously promised that Ultra Endure Guy would be paying Big Bikes another visit. What can I say? He's a sketchy motherfucker, he didn't show. But I can promise that he will be dropping by tomorrow to read another excerpt from his blog. 

Now, be honest, how many of you actually went Googlin' around trying to find out if Tom Cruise actually admitted that he's gay?



4 comments:

33rd Degree Bison said...

That was a great post. It really rocked a donkey's asshole. I want to ride a bike with gay Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise can ride fast because cause he is a Scientologist. Xenu can lick a male camels nutsack.

Rock over London
Rock on Chicago
Big Bikes
Too dumb for gears

zencycle said...

"I can promise that he will be dropping by tomorrow to read another excerpt from his blog. "

Whose blog?

jeg920 said...

I got hit by a car just watching the KP video...insane city riding.

Michael said...

2 days in a row... and promise of Ultra Endure Guy tomorrow??? The wait may have been worth it!!