Thursday, March 17, 2011

All Show No Tell

It seems that yesterday's incredibly well-viewed video post was not all that much of a puzzler.  Dicky was able to make short work of the question: Whose blog is Ultra Endure Guy really reading from? Dicky is very small and like all very small animals, not very smart. You ever meet a smart tree shrew? A marmoset? How about a smart bumblebee bat? Didn't think so. I rest my case. Next time (ya right!) I will have to try harder and avoid stating the name of the victim's website in the closing seconds of the video. (But it was just too fun to say Cycle-hyphen-Smaaht-dot-cawm.) Adam Myerson did not make a peep about the post anywhere throughout the vast expanse of his social media empire yesterday, which means he is either a.) Thoroughly unamused b.) Totally fucking pissed c.) Unaware of it d.) Trying not to give it any attention for fear that it will spread faster than herpes at a boarding school for the arts.

He can't be madder at me than he is at the dude who made this:

And I'm not sure who did make it either. I was alerted to it by Gewilli who linked to the blog: Flemish For Poser by Doucheblogcycling. But Flemish For Poser by Doucheblogcycling posted the photo in a post dedicated to All Hail The Black Market. So I have no idea who is responsible for this deeply offensive affront to my friend Adam Myerson. Maybe Mr. Doucheblog, maybe Stevil, maybe neither, but if I meet the guy who made it in a dark alley, ooh, I swear to god I am gonna turn off the Death Cab For Cutie On My headphones, put down my yoga mat, and smack the fucker with the block of tofu I have in my hand.

Now Dicky gets to choose UEG's next subject. I can't wait to waste hours creating another video that no one will watch. That is gonna be swell, it will do wonders for my self-loathing. How am I going to be the next Antoine Dodson if you guys don't share my videos huh?

Hey look! Up there! At the top of the post! A unicorn-pegasus-dolphin! Bet you never seen one of them before. That's some real cool shit from a guy I have raced mountain bikes against for years, Mike Joos. Check out more of his art HERE. He has one piece depicting Boba Fett on a jet know you wanna peak.

And speaking of unicorn-pegasus-dolphins...or not. Mickey out at Spooky Bikes has got a bunch of sweet new shirts to sell. So when you're done looking at Boba Fett on a jet ski and touching yourself, check out Mickey's wares. You know, I was supposed to go out to Spooky's shop to do a tour like I did with Geekhouse, but I didn't realize that Spooky is way out in fucking Greenfield. Where do you live? Think of a town within your state that is as far away from yours as possible. That's Greenfield for me. So San Diego-ranians, Greenfield is my Crescent City OK? Same exact thing. Shut up.

"He is like a mountie, he always gets his man and he'll zap you any way he can...ZAP!"

 This comes to us via Unlikely Words. I have never questioned my atheism...until now. Now might be a good time to start believing in god, even if he is Glenn Beck's douchegod that causes earthquakes to punish people for doing "stuff" that is "Not really working out real well." If I can pray to god, any god even if it's a Flying Spaghetti Monster, and get him to protect me from the Air Jellies in the terrifying video below when they become self-aware, then I will do it. Where do I sign?

And in a brilliant example of segueing...

Gilbert Gottfried got fired from his prestigious job as the voice of the Aflac duck for making insensitive Tweet-jokes or "twokes" (nah, that won't stick) about the situation in Japan. Am I surprised he got fired? Hell no. Am I surprised he got hired in the first place? Fuck yes. This is is the guy who made a 9/11 joke at Hugh Hefner's Friar's club roast — he said he was trying to get a direct flight to Los Angeles but he was nervous because his flight had a connection with the Empire State Building. That was about a month after 9/11. The joke bombed but he went on to salvage the night with the following amazing-ness:

So Aflac hired that guy and expected him to keep it in his pants. And by "it" I mean his mouth. Keep his mouth in his pants. That's right. Hey Aflac, need a new voice for your duck? I'm your guy.

Remember that time I titled this post "All Show No Tell?" That was funny. Guess there was a little bit to tell. Hopefully there's something left in the crack pipe for Friday.


dicky said...

I just googled "boobies", and it was the first thing that popped up.

zencycle said...

I would thoroughly enjoy ultra-endure guy as the new aflac spokes-person

zencycle said...

oh, and just so you know, I asked Bob Henderson - Leader of the Church of Pastafarian (FSM) to come over and bless your blog with a touching of His Noodly Appendage. I figured you could use the help.

mikejoos said...

thanks for plugging my art... also i'm a big fan of your ultra endurance guy videos... hope to see more of them!