Friday, January 08, 2010

What The Hell Happened?

All I know is that I woke up on the cold, wet tile of the Cambridge Rindge and Latin pool last night at around 7:30. After reading yesterday's blog post, I know that Joan Rivers had a lot to do with it. Apparently once she took possession of my body, she took it on what amounted to a reckless joy ride. She'd been trapped in her previous host body for 76 years (except for a brief period when she had that cyborg body in '87). She was all amped up to get out there and do stuff, any stuff, all sorts of painful stuff. Thing is my body isn't all that durable or resilient. It was already pretty beat up from surf lessons so piling on inept, crash-ridden cross-country skiing and then last night's swimming, has made it a bloody wreck.

You probably have so many questions (all three, no sorry four, four people who stop by here on Fridays):

Q: You busted out of the chest of your own body (which looks an awful lot like John Hurt's body BTW) and now you're here blogging away, how exactly does that work?

A: I have no idea. The rules that apply to things like alien parasites and demonic possession are hazy, sort of like US foreign policy or chess with a three-year-old. And you know what? I find it really, really annoying when people use acronyms like "BTW," especially when they're speaking. That's just weird. Did you just sign an emoticon? I am going to punch you in the dick.

Q: Um, in that photo you're wearing sunglasses and a white water rafting helmet. What's up with that?

A: Have you ever seen the medical documentary Fantastic Voyage? Things can get crazy inside a human body. Better safe than sorry.

Q: Not to belabor the point but, let me get this straight, you busted out of your own chest at the pool last night and then...

A: Grew to full size, toweled off, and ate some chili with my wife. Duh.

Q: And the husk of your body...

A: Oh ya, just when we thought everything was OK, my wife is hugging my alien, helmet and glasses wearing body (which was still small at that point), everybody's jumping up and down, really calm music is playing, and then, out of nowhere, there was this loud screech of string instruments and my ex-body stood up REAL FAST and came at me! Yikes. But just when it was about to get me, it went stiff and it's face melted off just like this:

Q: Right.

A: Right.

Q: And how were you able to escape from the grasp of Joan Rivers?

A: I dunno, something to do with a chlorine allergy? It might be like holy water to a creature like Joan Rivers. Like I said, the rules that apply to things like...

Q: Ya, ya, US foreign policy and chess with a three year old...very clever. Do you actually know the first thing about US foreign policy? Do you even know how to play chess?

A: Do you even know the first thing about your butt? Do you even know how to play with your own poop?

Q: OK, this is degenerating rapidly, I think we'll end here. No further questions.

I think that went well.


Bullitt said...

"Close your eyes Merian! Turn away, don't look at it! Just close your eyes!!!!"

Steve S said...

I think this whole non-biking, cross-training thing is getting to you.

zencycle said...

This is quite possibly the best complete blogpost I have ever read.