Sunday, February 01, 2009

Bikes For Fat People

In a fit of boredom the other day, I was digging deep into my Google Analytics account for this site. I'd never really looked at the "Keywords" category before. The top ten words or phrases that lead people to Big Bikes are pretty normal and obvious, outside of the top ten they get just plain weird.

Number 12: "bikes for heavy people"
Number 14: "bicycles for heavy people"
Number 17 is a not quite so PC version: "bicycles for fat people"
As you get farther down the list they get even weirder. Number 74: "Jennifer Beals triathlon"
And weirder... Number 82: "Miriam banana"

My 2007 outfit for the Gloucester Cross race might have caused someone confusion. Perhaps that's how people dress in a "Jennifer Beals Triathlon". I'm ignorant in so many areas, this may among them. See, now I've actually used the phrase "Jennifer Beals Triathlon" so people searching for such a sporting event will end up here where they will become totally confused.

All I know for certain about a "Jennifer Beals Triathlon" is that there is a running while dancing provocatively in leg, leg, a welding while riding a bike leg (which is very treacherous), and a swimming in a sweatshirt with the collar cut open really, really wide so it hangs over your shoulder in a sexy manner leg.

Now I've displayed my ignorance on the subject of Jennifer Beals. As far as I know the only movie she ever made was Flashdance (which I haven't even seen, although I have seen the Michael Sembello "Maniac" video). The only other association I have with her is that a character in the fairly forgettable film "Cario Diario" was absolutely obsessed with her. She does make a brief cameo in that film.

One final word on Jennifer Beals then we'll move on to other, incredibly interesting subject matter. The fact that I have referenced Jennifer Beals twice in about a week period is not as random or coincidental is it might appear. The first and only time I have mentioned her name was in this post. Because I mentioned her name someone wound up finding my blog while searching for Jennifer Beals related subject matter. I don't think they found what they were looking for.

"Miriam Banana"...I have no idea. It does sound good though. I may suggest that instead of hyphenating our names we should just choose a new name - like Banana. Miriam Banana and Thom Banana. Mr. and Mrs. Banana. Normal.

This is my war. I have gone to battle with "Big Bike Parts, inc.", and now I'll tell you why. When I'm not on my home computer and I need to get to my BLAWG or Trog or whatever, I often just Google it. Of course I take note of where Big Bikes stands in the hierarchy of search results. How could I not? There was a time when it was way, way down on the third page. Recently it has crept up onto the first page, making it easy to find. Since I've become more diligent about posting regularly it has been sitting up in the top five or even three.

A few days back I did the Google Big Bikes thing to find that it had rocketed up to number one! I did a little screen grab in case it never happened again. Now it has fallen back down to number two. Damn you Big Bike Parts inc., Damn you straight to Hell! What do I have to do to crush this leading designer and distributor of cruising and touring accessories? What? Mention Paris Hilton more? "Accidentally leak" my own sex video to the media? Get sued for creating a Mash Up of Overkill by both Men at Work and Motorhead which was so bad all three people who heard it gouged out their eardrums with chopsticks?

Big Bike Parts inc. you don't even make parts that I would put on my Big Bike...except maybe a Flagpole Holder:

That is a pretty sweet flagpole holder, I have to say.

I'll get you Bike Bike Parts, if only by virtue of the fact that I have now mentioned the name of your website on mine so that when people search for you they will find me and yet if they search for me they will not necessarily find you. Ha HA!

While I might be getting my ass handed to me by Big Bike Parts Inc. in the search engine war, I have succeeded in knocking one of my most bitter rivals off the first page:

I am still really not sure what these guys are all about. I do know that they have nothing to do with actual big bikes, they are all about the bikes with the wee little wheels that are good for the jumping and the spinning with the craziness all day. I also know that by linking to them that I am actually helping them get back on the front page so after you click on their link
(and the link for Big Bike Parts, Inc.) make sure you click on Big Bikes twice. Every time you click, a fuzzy little puppy Angel gets its wings!

I didn't just come here to talk weird all day, I did want to say "Hey you, look at the new Gary Fisher 29er Crew kit, it is doper than dope".


Anonymous said...

Jennifer Beals-
How could you forget such great Jennifer Beals movies as the 1992 hit In the Soup, or the the Princeess and the Cobbler. How about the 1994 classic the Search for One-Eyed Jimmy. But wait, nothing beats the 1995 Quentin Tarantino comedy four rooms. Now this is Beals at her best:

-The Movie Guru

rick is! said...

your new kit looks like you've got a syringe jammed in your ass. appropriate for some I guess.