Tuesday, September 07, 2010

I'm Changing My Name To Brock Mantooth

I never quite got out all I had to get out regarding the Breck Epic, but now that topic is becoming less than timely and time is running out before, what is apparently, my next BIG EVENT. And for those of you who don't click the links because you're afraid I'm going to send you off to some under-age-gay-midget-porn site (again), what I linked to back there was The Pisgah Mountain Stage Race. I will be covering it for the Cyclingdirts, doing the annoying man with the camera thing. I am really hoping more Pro Men sign up, because this Demi-Pro is looking pretty shabby in the company of these bad, bad dudes:

Pro Men

Peter Butt
Evan Plews
Colby Pearce
Chris Strout
Drew Edsall
Robert Marion
Jeremiah Bishop

Hey, at least at this point I'm guaranteed a top ten finish! Top 8 even. Ozzie Peter Butt, who kicked lots of his namesake (sorry, how could I not do something with that?) out in Breck is in the Boston-ish area this week and allegedly we are going riding. Perhaps I can slip him a Ruffie and then dump ball bearings down his throat until his preternaturally skinny 6' 12" frame weighs as much as my 5' 10" frame. That way I might be able to hold his wheel on the climbs. God damn! He makes it look so easy. The only two times I saw him during Breck were both during the final, Gold Dust stage of Breck. I was amped up in the morning, so I stayed close to the front, making sure to ride with the guys who would destroy me and burn me out as quickly as possible. I rode with Peter for a while on the road while nursing my delusions of grandeur. Then, after I flatted, and I was ATTACKING the Boreas Pass climb with everything I had (everything I had was only good enough to get me half way up, where I imploded) this rider was bearing down on me like we were in the airport and he was running while on the moving sidewalk and I was walking backward while not on the moving sidewalk. I was relieved to see that it was only Peter Butt, returning to the course after getting lost. He was spinning away and chatting so I tried to hop on his wheel, he seemed to be just cruising along effortlessly, those twiggy legs moving at Cuisinart-esque RPMs. I found out pretty quickly that his pace was much higher than it appeared, and then I felt all ooky and wanted to take nap.

I haven't yet had the incredibly awkward, potentially contract-destroying conversation with my title sponsor about my intention to return to single-speeding full time in 2011. If the Mayans are right, and I have on year left to ride a bike, I want to do it all on a single speed. That and I'm slower and broker (10 speed chains are a killer) on gears. So I don't think I can sign up for the single speed class at this point and maybe, I say maybe avoid total devastation and embarrassment.

I had other stuff I wanted to talk about, but I think I'd rather talk about how I don't know a few of the guys on that terrifying Pro Men start list for the Pisgah Stage Race, and how, based on their names alone, they sound way, way tougher than I do.

First off, let's look at my name:

Thom Parsons

Not a tough name. If you picture that guy Bruce Buffer announcing a UFC fight, it is nearly impossible to imagine him announcing, "FIGHTING...out of the red corner...he's a mixed nut enthusiast, with a professional record of no wins, eighty-three losses, and five no-shows...standing five feet ten inches tall, weighing in at an un-toned one hundred sixty-seven pounds...FIGHTING out of Somerville Massachusetts...Thom 'Why Do I Have An H In My Name' Parsons!"

It just doesn't work.

But Chris Strout, that's a tough name. He wouldn't have to change his name to be a UFC fighter. Strout, it sounds like "shout" or "stout," it even has the word "rout" in it. Tough.

And Drew Edsall. The dude has the same first name as Drew Barrymore, and Drew Barrymore can do this:

You follow my logic?

Then there's Robert Marrion. His last name is the same as John Wayne's birth first name (but with an extra R, but who's counting?). Like a boy named Sue, John Wayne grew up quick and he grew up mean (and then he changed his name to a Man's name when he couldn't take it anymore) and Robert Marrion may have followed a similar path. Shit, he may have changed his name from Robert Mantooth or Robert Magnusson to Robert Marrion, just so kids would mess with him. He might be that freaking bad ass. I am not about to go pick a fight with him to find out.

You follow that logic?

There will be some more sprechen about the Brecken tomorrow, and other stuff.



George said...

Drew Barrymore is also wicked hot.
You could be "Turbo" Thom Parsons though.

Big Bikes said...

Drew Edsall's hotness or not-hotness does, in no way, intimidate me.

It's more that Matrixy, flying, kicking stuff.

I think I'd have to be "Thurbo" Thom Parsons.

Montana said...

Don't forget your lotion

Emily said...

Take out the H and it gets butch-er. Tom Parsons sounds like a Depression-era boxer.
Signed, E. BROCK, who never realized her last name might strike terror into her fellow racers.

dougyfresh said...

Drew is fast. He was up there duking it out with Bishop at Translyvania. Good all around guy too.

When are the Aussies up here? Big boston area ride this weekend? keep me clued in plz.