Wednesday, March 04, 2009


March Madness, Anger and Frustration

H
ey March, you kind of suck. In like a Lion, out like a Lamb, my gritty road spray covered ass. More like in like a Polar Bear, out like a Bucket of Ice Water. Wait, that sounds more like The Wonder Twins. One of the dumbest things you will ever hear anyone say (besides what I just said, or something I am about to say) is "Well, winter's almost over, it's March, not bad weather in March really". Have you ever met March? If March were a person it would be the guy who comes to your house, gets blacked out drunk, pukes on your dog, passes out on the couch, then sleep walks into a closet in the middle of the night, sits on a stool and uses it as a toilet.

Great Month, March.

I did ride The Superfly called Precious Thing Sunday. Tried to anyway. Things looked good as I hit the trail, started really railing right along, got up to top speed. We'd had a dusting of snow so I couldn't see what was going on underneath. What happened next was exactly like what happens at the 10 second mark of the video below.

Expletives and everything.




I hit the deck three times - hard. Beneath the snow it was absolute glare ice. Each fall was one of those lying on the ground moaning for nearly a minute deals. I decided to bag it before I broke a piece off my body that wouldn't grow back. With the amount of snow we got over the weekend, the only hope of getting a decent pedaler in on the new bike is another attempt an Otis Air Force Base trip this coming Sunday.

Paul Harvey died last Sunday. I had never heard of him. Apparently he was famous for reading Ads on the radio really, really well. He would also sometimes say brilliant things like:

"Without advertising in this country, my goodness, we'd still be in this country what Russia mostly still is: a nation of bearded bicyclists with b.o."

With all due respect to the memory of Mr. Harvey, I'd rather be a bearded cyclist with B.O. than an obese SUV driver with...B.O., because no matter how much deodorant I baste the vast expanse of my underarms with, I can't possibly mask the reek emanating from all the nooks and crannies contained in the drooping flesh covering my prodigious carcass.

I don't know what got into me. It's all March's fault. March has me so mad. Stupid March, I'm moving to North Carolina.


9 comments:

Wheels said...

If you crash in a race, I'll give you the stick.

Anonymous said...

75 degrees in NC this weekend. Headed for the mountains!

Sorry.

#4

Cathy said...

I know your ice falling pain - 3 times in the first 10 minutes of my ride on Sunday. Stupid ice! I even had studded tires.

Anonymous said...

Demi-long time reader, first time comment'r...
I totally feel your pain. Here in the 'burgh known as Steeler-ville, our winter has been what feels like going on three years long! I can't even remember the disgusting feeling of my skin covered in a combo of poison-ivy under 82 mosquito bites with a sun-burn to top things off. Not that I miss that stuff, but I'd love to have a sweaty ball-sack/leg interaction soon... Yeah, March is just like that crazy- drunk-knock-your-stereo/entertainment center-on-the-floor-dumbass. BTW, Travis Saeler of the famed 29'er crew is one of my good buddies from the Pittsburgh area. Have you ever met? He is one stellar dude.
AdamB

James said...

You'er not my dad. ha ha

doug said...

Get off my Ice you Wanker!


haha. my favorite PSA!

I had a similar feeling whilst riding offroad last Wednesday. Now... that was before this latest storm. Looks like I'll be on the road this weekend. Besides, the SS will be boxed up for India....

Adrian said...

It was 14 degrees in Durham yesterday morning. Sposed to be 70 on Saturday, though.

Sean said...

48 degrees and rain in Seattle. Vernal Equinox in fifteen days.

Jess said...

Hell yeah, 60 degrees down here in NC today. what are you waiting for?