Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Another Horribly Failed Experiment

And this time I'm not talking about my imaginary children which were taken away from me because I was an imaginary unfit parent. What I'm talking about is the recovery drink I "invented" after my ride yesterday. You have to understand, I was desperate, I was out of my mind with hunger. All I'd had to eat all day were a few packets of GU...it was four thirty in the afternoon.

There was a dearth of real food in the house, definitely nothing I could make fast enough to prevent me from devouring my own arm up to the elbow before it was ready. Time to get creative, time to throw all preconceptions of what is suitable for human consumption out the window with my imaginary babies and the not so imaginary bathwater.

Here is my recipe for gastrointestinal disaster:

  • 1 cup or so soy milk
  • 1 scoop protein powder
  • 1 packet instant oatmeal
  • 2 tablespoons peanut butter
  • 2 tablespoons hot cocoa mix
  • 1 scoop of I'm not freakin' kidding

Combine ALL ingredients in blender and push the button that makes the blender do its thing.
Then dump the gelatinous mess of glop into a sauce pan and begin heating (if you are as prodigious a moron as me). The idea here was that it would be akin to my "Recovery Cocoa" which, I have to say, is quite a delightful way to follow up a cold, winter ride. Variables here include the addition of Oatmeal and peanut butter. Those two elements caused this concoction to go horribly, horribly awry.

As it heated and began to bubble like some evil brew in a Witches cauldron, lumps appeared. Then globs. Then large masses of solid matter. It started doing that thing where the bubbles explode, sending brown nastiness sailing skyward, besmirching the cabinets or falling through the air looking for skin to stick to or vegetation to defoliate like a less palatable form of Napalm.

It quickly took on the consistency of pudding. Or a hybrid of beef stew and pudding. Now there's an idea for a recovery smoothie! Maybe some good will come of this yet. Then it started to adhere to the pan, badly. I aborted the experiment, dumping the obscene shuddering amalgam of putrid grossness into a large mug. Which, after a small amount of forethought, I gulped down. Maybe not so much "gulped". This was a recovery drink you could eat with a fork.

It was worse than the time I mixed up my Hammer Gel with my Liquid Plumber Gel. Man that sucked. The bath tub was doing laps around the house (it was one of those claw foot deals, which makes this story so much less absurd) while I lay writhing in a puddle of my own bile as my lower intestine dissolved. I didn't feel quite right for weeks.

And there you go. A recovery drink which just might land you in the recovery room of your local E.R..


gewilli said...

protein powder? instant oatmeal? peanut butter?

What in dog's name gave you the idea to combine all that?

Holy crap man...

just make a damn milkshake next time, stick a bananna, ice cream, milk, peanut butter, chocolate chips, blend smooth add cocoa mix and milk until thin and smooth in blender then warm up if you have to - or just drink the stuff down straight and cold...

or sub choc syrup or cocoa powder and sugar for choco chips or cocoa mix

Stephen Humphreys said...

Hey Thom,

Did you ever get the Bontrager XR1's set up as tubeless?

Bet you got some serious reading time in after that recovery drink....meal....stuff.


solobreak said...

If you mixed and matched bike parts as haphazardly as you combined these ingredients, you'd have one of Gewilli's cross bikes...

Wheels said...

Sick and wrong.

jeff said...


Luke S said...

Where in the general metrowest area is good riding right now? I'm here for a few days on spring break and would like somewhere good to ride my bike thats not TOO muddy and snowy.

zencycle said...

Dude, that was the funniest fucking thing I've read in years, especially the claw bath tub making the story less absurd...

Gawd I'm still laughing....