Thursday, August 27, 2009

Ten Minutes

Hey, did you know you can ruin a pair of socks with insect repellent? You can. Last night we had the Wednesday Shop Ride, ten minutes in I was spinning up a hill (riding a geared demo bike), this demo bike is an '07 and it it gets passed around between shop employees like a, god, I don't know, I just woke up, the crazy metaphor machine is still off line I guess. Insert one of your own if you like. Anyway, the thing is pretty jacked up, it was all clicking and creaking and I'm thinking about how I'm actually going to do some maintenance on the damn thing when I get back to the shop. Too late — Kabush! The chain snapped as I was going up a small climb, my knee went into the bar wicked, wicked hard. It hurt.

The knee to the bar is not a type of hurt that single speeders get often, and definitely not like that. I remember that pain, but the closest I've gotten to it in years is slipping on a wet root and tagging my knee lightly on the bar. The bar, not a SHIFTER, a fucking Sram, pointy ass shifter. Stupid pointy ass shifter. Hate you, hate you hate you! My brain was so clouded by the throbbing and the pain, I just wanted to be left alone to fix the chain but one of the guys on the ride wanted "watch and learn" so everyone hung over me while I first popped a pin all the way out, then, in an act of utter frustration, dropped the wheel out of the frame to give myself more chain slack to work with. Apparently I did a crap job pushing the pin back in because, next up hill — Kabush! Once again. Fucking ow.

This time I told the crew that I was sunk and that they should go on without me, this gave me time to get my brain working right. I removed enough chainlinks so that I could re-connect it with the Power Link. This short-chained the bike badly, giving me five gears in the middle ring. That was like luxury to me. I kept it in the 32 X 17 where it seemed happiest and was instantly stoked to hammer up and catch the group on my de facto single speed.

Oh yes, while I was fixing the chain for the second time, my sister who was on the ride, doused me with some high-test bug dope. A short while after that I experienced "total sock failure". My socks became loose and ill-fitting, what a horrible feeling, loose socks. I also noticed that parts of my bib shorts which had made contact with the stuff were becoming sticky and kind of clear. I knew insect repellent can attack plastics but this was extreme. It took me hours to figure out that the stuff had attacked the elastic bands in my socks, rendering them limp and useless, like a... like...Lincoln Navigator driver's penis! There, I'm back, but it's too late, I have to go, ten minutes was all the time I had to write today.


Bandobras said...

Back just in time to leave but that's ok. I'll be using the LND penis analogy from now on and not even crediting you. I laughed for about five minutes.

zencycle said...

I don't ride a single-speed mtb, though I'm a huge fan of fixed-gear road, so I get your drift. What I don't get is why sram has to fuck up a perfectly good shifting system by coming out with a trigger shifter. I have 9.0 twisters and would never even consider anything else. I rode shitmano for years.

Anyways, I biffed my stem really had last fall when traversing a slightly down-hill stonewall. A little to forward, front wheel jammed on a small rock, got launched, right foot came out, knee smacked the stem. I couldn't put any pressure on my right leg for a few days, and it was swollen for a solid week, though I could ride. I remember walking around a corner at work and having shooting pains in my knee just from the slight twisting motion. I had a noticeable lump just above the patella for a few months, and I still have scar tissue.