Fool Of Chains/Buy My Trek Fisher Collection Sawyer

It's late and that crappy title was all I could come up with. Well, the "Fool Of Chains" part...that part's stupid and, as you'll see, wicked literal. The insomnia's back I figured I'd get out of bed, drink some herbal sleepy tea or some shit, watch some Lost and babble at you guys for a bit. Lost has uh...lost me. Once the show went into flash forward instead of backward mode things just got too depressing. I like real magic and lack of metaphor. You know that movie The Quest, starring the kid from E.T., where it turns out that the dinosaur in the rock quarry is really a steam shovel or something? I HATED that shit. It was the worst. All I know is that, if I get to the end of the series and realize that the final two seasons were as worthless as valve caps, I am gonna be pissed. I mean, if I'd known that the first two seasons of The Sopranos were the only ones worth watching, I could have added days to my life. But that's not important right now and I doubt it ever will be.

Of course, if level of importance determined what got printed on Big Bikes well...

Operation Rescue (The Schwinn Varsity)

No, I'm not talking about the fundamentalist anti-abortion/anti-gay group now known as Operation Save America, what I'm talking about is an operation to rescue my Schwinn Varsity from Boston City Hall, where I abandoned it on Monday after an incident involving a broken brake cable, some inclement weather, and me being a wuss-bag.

Wait a second, shouldn't Operation Rescue And Save America support gayness? More gay people mean fewer abortions. It is very hard for gay people to get pregnant, and if they do manage to get pregnant, they've usually thought about it first, and they've usually passed through some kind of screening process which has deemed them fit to raise a child. Gay couples don't really have "accidents." But that's beside the point (and the point is trying as hard as possible to appear as though it is not associated in any way with it.) Just remember what Operation American Rescuing Savers Who Save Things say:

"The opposite of homosexuality is not heterosexuality, it is holiness!"

That rant is probably not going to help with the not-getting the death threats. 

But, as Results-Rooter (who we will talk more about in a moment) would say: 

"Hey Guys, Bikes!"