Monday Morning Breakfast Special: Bacon And Scrambled Brains

Before I inevitably become horribly sidetracked, piss off the Christian right, and garner more death threats, I want to give an update on the Lance Armstrong Mustache Ride For The Roses Contest: Currently Todd "20poundskull" Prekaski is holding a HUGE lead (as the only entrant thus far) with the above Lance-Stache image. Unless someone steps up to Todd, he will easily walk away with the big W, much like the United States has walked away with the World Series win every single year since its inception. While he is walking away so easily, Todd will be carrying a Geekhouse pint glass and a Team Awesome T-Shirt.


If you think you have what it takes to knock off 20poundskull off the one-tiered podium, send your photo-shopped image of Lance with a stache to wellonabigbikeya@gmail.com with the subject-line: MUSTACHE RIDE!



Remember: Geekhouse Party TONIGHT (Monday), 7-Midnight, at the Middlesex Lounge in Cambridge.


I'd call the Geekhouse party "the cycling-related-social event of the year," if, I say if, I hadn't attended the Skinsuit birthday party for SBZ on Friday at the privately-owned home of Results Rooter. The party was skinsuit-themed, but any one-piece outfit was acceptable. I chose to push the limits of what was acceptable by purchasing, at Goodwill, a black denim, sleeveless jump suit that made up for its lack of sleeves with a hood and belt loops. Yes, belt loops.

It's what Elvis Stojko would wear...while performing a routine to a Danzig song.

It was so tight (how tight was it?), it was so tight that if the previous owner suffered from a venereal disease; I now I have that disease.

While prepping to go out and monitoring the veritable hurricane of Skinsuit Party-related activity on the Twitters, I felt compelled, for some reason, to search for an image of the "gayest figure skating outfit." This is what came up:


An image that caused Stevil to exclaim "Edward Fabulous Hands!"

Please understand something, in my book: Gayness = Awesomeness, but if I'd Googled "Most awesome figure skating outfit" the above image would have been (Googling "Most awesome figure skating outfit" now...) not the second image to show up but the...ninth. Alright, so I could have probably found it without defaulting to my "People are generally homophobic-dicks mode" and Googling away blindly based on my prejudice about people's prejudices, but I was under pressure.

Of course, when you Google something like "gayest figure skating outfit" you should expect trouble, and trouble is what I found. You might recall that, a week or so back, I unwittingly stepped into the internet equivalent of a flaming bag of dog shit. It happened again this time, I stumbled into a thread on Landover Baptist Church's forum entitled:

Tour De France Beats Out Figure Skating-Now World's Gayest Sport

One woman, calling herself "MidwestCatLady" commented:

Speaking of faggy sports. I have always been sickened by the Olympic Bobsled. I could not find an image of how these "guys" are piled into the sled but you know they are touching their manly parts to each other's behinds. I almost think this is worse than the Homo bike Nazi's. The Bobsled teams wear that revealing spandex too.

I read on, and a guy calling himself "Negative_Cool" had this to add:

Signs that cycling has been taken over by homers:

1. Obsession with Leg Shaving
2. Lycra - official clothing material of mardis gras.
3. Constant Drug scandals - we all know how much homers enjoy their chemical fuelled disco orgies.
4. Most prestigious race is the Tour de France - one of the gayest countries in Europe.
5. Body position while racing - that "bent over" position is reminiscent of other homer activities.

And I couldn't help myself, I kept on reading:

God reminded all of the homosexual cyclists riding in the Tour de France of the errors of their ways by smashing noted German queer cyclist Jens Voigt's face with a what we Scientheists call a Warning Smiting.

In a Warning Smiting, the non-believer is not killed outright. God, in His great and loving mercy, only wounds the sinner, giving him a chance to mends his ways.

It is obvious, especially in the super slow motion replay, that the Lord simply nudged the bicycle out from under the sodomite. If He had wanted to kill Mr. Voigt, He would have simply made him ride off the side of the road and plummet to his death. The fact that God only crushed his cheek bones and give him a concussion shows just how merciful He can be.

I was dumbfounded, totally, freaking appalled. And it got worse, a dude called Captain A. Portway linked to a photo of Alberto Contador with the caption:

Some stupid Mexican queer is about to win the Tour de Fags!

By this point I was reeling, but, unfortunately I kept going and read this response to a dissenter who claimed that football was, quite possibly, more gay than cycling:

Fail The majority of the players in the NFL are Negroes (except for the important positions). Most are on steroids and PCP so tight fitting clothing is of the utmost importance or the Negroes would quickly disrobe each each other with brute strength. That would be a spectacle that NO Christian would watch.

The dogpiles and "man on man" that arouse the homofag in you are simply a fight to control the football. Have you studied the game and the importance of maintaining posession of the pigskin?

Patting on the butt is not the homo erotica you want it to be. I've raised a son and often "patted" him on the butt when he disobeyed me. NFL players are criticizing a teammate's play and encouraging them to try harder when they give a firm slap.

Stop reading gayness into an American sport where NONE exists

Nothing I like better than a day of beer (in moderation) watching the spooks fight for the football

In Jesus!

After I read that last post, I couldn't take it any more, I threw up my hands and stormed away from the computer, put on a tight denim skinsuit (with a hood and belt loops) and rode off into the night.

What I didn't realize is that I had fallen victim to Poe's Law:

Without a winking smiley or other blatant display of humor, it is impossible to create a parody of Fundamentalism that SOMEONE won't mistake for the real thing.

Landover Baptist Church is made up, and what I'd been reading was a parody of a whack-job Christian forum. After reading all the INSANE comments below that David Duke video I guess my sense of irony was temporarily impaired...damaged. I was uncharacteristically accepting of the now, obviously absurd statements beings being made on the Landover Church forum.

In this case, I was so glad the joke was on me.

And, now that I know it's a joke...

"Some stupid Mexican queer is about to win the Tour de Fags!"

Uh, pretty frickin' funny.

And now! More photos from the skinsuit party with captions!


Adam Myerson showed up wearing an outfit that one-billion-upped mine: a one piece thong bathing suit. Prior to the party he had tweeted something like "You know it's a good costume if you wish you shaved your ass." When he saw that SBZ's parents were in attendance, he waffled, acting uncharacteristically bashful...ultimately changing into a run-of-the-mill cycling uni. If anyone has photographic evidence of Myerson's original outfit, please, either Tweet it to me (see sidebar) or send it to wellonabigbikeya@gmail.com.


Bashful? Not the word to describe Murat. He stood around all might in a frickin' Speedo, which thankfully is hidden in shadow in the above photo. LPB is looking all furtive because she's killing the lights, to provide better mood-lighting for...

KEG STANDS. I went to art school, we didn't do keg stands. I guess I really missed out.

SBZ's husband Michael may not have adhered to the letter of the skinsuit party law, but his vintage BMX racin' outfit was SICK. If you've got any doubt as to whether Michael rocked the shit out of that suit back in the day, while getting totally rad, check this out:


I bet Michael is so stoked. He just became Facebook friends with me five minutes ago and I'm already stealing his photos for my personal use. Sorry Mike, the world has to know how rad you are.

It was the kind of dance party where shoes like these were nothing but a liability.

Name those legs.

Cary is suffering from a really bizarre and unfortunate form of male-pattern-chest-hair-baldness...this is the only patch left. He should get some Rogaine going on that shite or something.

Tonight: Geekhouse party. Tomorrow: party report.

Lance Armstrong's Mustache Ride For The Roses: A Reader Contest

The other day, one of Lance Armstrong's tweets caught my eye. The guy tweets almost as much as Results-Rooter or Adam Myerspace, (although I'm following 150-something people on Twitter, sometimes I feel like I'm following two dudes who talk way too much about 'cross-related minutiae) so oftentimes I tend to skim Lance's tweets, but this one stood out:






I'm devastated...shooting a new spot for Mich Ultra and the bosses asked me to shave my @movember stache. Damn!

Lance's nascent Movember dirt-stache...not much of a loss. I've seen better mustaches on naked mole rats suffering from alopecia.

Now, there are people out there who have their problems with Lance for whatever reason. Sometimes he has a problem with them too.


But I also have a problem with Lance, my problem is that he is lying to us all. The man is a fraud.

There is no way he is a drinker of Michelob Ultra...no way. I have it on semi-good authority that he is a big drinker of Lone Star beer. Never mind rifling through dumpsters, looking for blood bags; someone should be rummaging through Armstrong's recycling bin, looking for bottles of Ultra...I bet they don't find any.

I want him to be dirty...dirty in the not-drinking "Mich Ultra" department. Since alcohol consumption in commercials is prohibited, Lance may have never actually imbibed a single ounce of the abhorrent beverage. I sure hope not anyway. I hope he is perpetrating the biggest scam in a product endorsement history.

The corporate fat cats at Anheuser-Busch bullied Lance into shearing the stache, and I personally know just how it feels to be bullied into changing your appearance for a lucrative job...I once removed two nose rings and thirteen earrings to land a killer job as a night janitor at Squaw Valley (hey, I got a free season's pass). I feel his facial adornment-removal-related pain. Mow it's mearly mid Movember and poor Lance is stache-less. (It's grammatically appropriate to change all the N's to M's in a sentence when the word "Movember" is present.)

Here's how you can help...


You can get on the Photoshop and Photo-shop-up a new stache for Lance like I did above, or, if you have the Photoshop skills of a three-year-old...cat, you can easily come up with something far superior. You don't have to use the above photo, I encourage you to scour the inner-net for other, potentially more interesting photos of Lance to mustache-ify. You can draw the stache on, take a photo of found materials applied to an actual, real live photo (pubes are obvious and discouraged), or do the lazy-ass, me-type thing and steal one off a picture of some dude on the inner-net.

Note to Needle-Devil-Man: Using Hitler, Stalin, or Saddam Hussein (those last two are the same thing aren't they?) mustaches is obvious but not entirely discouraged.

The mustache I stole belongs to Marty Walsh of Geekhouse Bikes in Allston, MA. Oh, and the teeth too. I think it looks better on Marty...the teeth/mustache combo. Before I go on to talk more about Marty...and parties...and mustache rides, let me finish telling you about this so-called contest.

Contest Details:

1. Photoshop your stache on Lance
2. Send the image to wellonabigbikeya@gmail.com (cut and paste it alright) with the subject line: Mustache Ride!
3. I will post the entries as I get them throughout next week along with links to the entrants blogs or Twitter pages or whatever. Ooh, ooh, you will get such mad traffic, it'll be SICK!
4. Thursday we'll put it to a VOTE
   
5. On Friday I will post the winner
6. The winner will receive...a FREE mustache ride from Marty!
   

I'm kidding. Unless it's cool with Marty. In that case I'm not.

Like Marty always says: "You can't spell PARTY without 80% of the letters in my name."

OK, the winner will receive a yet-to-determined Geekhouse soft good. Which I will hopefully be bamboozling Marty into giving to me for free at the GEEKHOUSE PARTY on Monday.



I may have mumbled something on the Facebook about elaborating on yesterday's Race Across The Sky Two post, but I got so wrapped up in all this "mustache ride" talk that I have clean run out of time. Maybe a secret weekend post for that...who knows, I sure don't.

Wow, I just realized how dirty this post is...but only if you know what mustache rides are. Good thing people who don't already know what mustache rides are, and might be offended if they did, also don't know how to Google things.

Serious

Today started off on a bit of a low note. I went on the internets this morning where I was confronted with the news of Tony Kornheiser's comments about running down cyclists. Something like that wouldn't usually get under my skin, but shortly afterward I received an email on the 29er Crew list about the hit and run accident that left Fisher rider Adam Little dead. On any other day I would have brushed aside any anger I felt toward a moron like Kornheiser and gone for a bike ride...not today. I got all worked up and fired off an angry email to ESPN:

The other day Tony Kornheiser, during a tirade against cyclists, said "it's all you can do not to run them down!" At another point in the show he said more directly: "Run em' down!"

Like this Tony?
http://www.wbtv.com/Global/story.asp?S=12155467

There's dead cyclist for ya, how does that make you feel? He was a good dad and husband. He was just trying to get to work and stay fit and now he's dead because of an irresponsible driver.

I ride a bike in Boston just about every day, and I know from experience that there are plenty of people out there who are ready to literally run cyclists down. I've had cars aimed at me more than once. These people don't need someone to whip them up into a frenzy or validate their antisocial, belligerent attitude toward cyclists.

Cyclists are people — humans made out flesh and bone, they break easily, and often people driving their armored SUVs forget that. Please don't encourage them to do so.

In a perfect world, a copy of this email would end up on Tony Kornheiser's desk.



So that's what I wrote. If you want to tell the ESPN management what a douche bag you think Kornheiser is you can go do it HERE. The guy is catching some serious heat though, and it's coming from the direction of Lance Armstrong. Hopefully this is the nail in the imbecile's coffin. Hell, his employer suspended him for two weeks just a month ago for saying something obnoxious about his coworker's tight skirts. He had just gotten back to work and he goes off on a rant about killing people with cars. This is guy is a frickin' genius.



Oh, it's about freedom of speech is it? How would people react if some other radio personality "joked" about killing human beings in another manner.

"Shoot drivers in the face...with a gun!"

That would go over well. How about:

"Take a cinder block and smash roller bladers' skulls in!"

Thing is, someone could joke about committing acts like that on the radio, because no one would ever do anything like that (well, most everyone). Drivers do turn their cars into weapons, swerving 6,000 pound SUVs at and into cyclists on a regular basis. But unlike picking up a desk stapler and wielding it at your boss, this behavior goes unnoticed and un-prosecuted unless it results in serious injury or death.