Thom's Sawyer/Day and Night, Night and Day (At Ride Studio Cafe)

 

Um ya, I haven't exactly been forthcoming in the "reality and bikes" department lately. And during this non-communicative period, the tiny pupa that was my Superfly Single Speed has transformed into a beautiful...hulking gray Gary Fisher Collection Sawyer. I have no idea how this happened really. It may have involved my Ferrous (Dunderchee) in some way. But today's post isn't really about that...I'm speed blogging, with very little WiFi time left this evening. There's just way too much fascinating stuff to talk about when it comes to the new addition to THE STABLE...THE QUIVER. (Excuse me, I had to pause briefly and punch myself in the nuts for using those terms.)

Ultra Endure Guy - Navigating The Mystery

Ultra Endure Guy reads from his blog.

An excerpt:

"Y'know in The Matrix when Neo plugs into the back of his head to download new info? Well that's what I'm practicin' through guided meditation."

Got any requests for blog posts you'd like Ultra Endure Guy to read? Hit that contact link in the sidebar and send me an email. I'll talk to UEG and see if he'll fahkin' read it for ya.

Frame Building Videos: Like Porn For Men Without Penises

FROM STEEL: The Making of a Soulcraft from michael evans on Vimeo.

Not a title I could have used on one of my BikeRumor posts. Unless I wanted to get fired. I guess going into jobs with the intent of getting fired worked for Ricky Gervais with his Golden Globes hosting gigs. But me, I gotta play it safe. For instance, I pulled punches on the "PiCycle" electric "bike" post. Of course I hadn't yet seen the video below where the creepy cartoon Xtranormal woman talks about her coworkers thinking she was "using her pants as a potty" because she rode to work on a bike that actually required her to put out some effort, which resulted in a sweaty bum-bum.

When Fake Twitter Campaigns Go Horribly Awry: A Victim's Perspective

DragonForce - Through the Fire and Flames (HD Official Video) from DragonForce on Vimeo.

Yesterday I described how I partook in a fake Twitter campaign that literally destroyed Colin Reuter's life (or at least caused him to have a really, really awkward conversation with his mom). Today we have Colin's reaction to my attempted destruction of his life via misogynistic, drunkenly affected tweets.

But first! This yammering. 

Now here's the problem: The interview was conducted over Gmail Chat. I rarely use gmail chat, and when I do, I'm generally not having conversations with dudes who type as fast as Herman Li from Dragonforce plays guitar — I got dropped like Andy Schleck's chain in Stage 15 of the 2010 Tour De France. That's what happens when the guy who basically owns the internet tries to e-converse with someone as e-gnorant as myself.

No, I Am Colin Reuter

 

 I done a bad thing.

A few weeks back, I participated in the execution of a fake Twitter campaign. It was all fun and games until the dude's mom found out. That dude is Colin Reuter. If you don't know who Colin Reuter is, well, Colin Reuter is the guy who runs Crossresults.org, and he is basically the owner of the internet. When he and his friends go out to some particular place or event, people say "The Internet is going to be there." That sounds like a joke, but it's not.

You know what's a joke? Calling Crossresults.com, "Crossresults.org." It just really pisses Colin off.

But ya, it doesn't piss him off as much as when his mother stumbles across a fake Twitter account created in her son's name, and then gazes in shock and horror at a whole bunch of misogynistic, belligerent, frat boy-like tweets that make him sound like the biggest scumbag on earth.

That type of thing would really get Colin's dandruff up. (If that were the actual saying and he had actual hair to have dandruff in.)

I may have gotten a little carried away,

If You're Not A Kid And You Ride A Bike, Youz On Drugs

This is the best thing on the internet today.

And it's not exactly the second best thing on the internet today, but I'll share this:

Big Bikes is now a mobile bicycle repair service in addition to being a languishing-in-limbo blog. It's wicked legit dude, I have a Craiglist Ad. You know how legit it is? I use "we" instead of "I" to make it sound like I...I mean we, are actually a shop, rather than one guy in a badly lit basement, drinking too much coffee, and listening to NPR until someone with a "wet voice" comes on and he has to switch over to a college radio station for a while.

At Big Bikes we don't just repair your bike, we BLOG about repairing your bike (and sometimes maybe we blog when we should be repairing your bike).

As you may have noticed, I have spent the past few days freaking out and whining about not having a "real" job, both here and on Twitter:

For some reason that didn't work.

Then I realized that I had dormant real world skills: I am a fucking bike mechanic. So send me your business, send me your friends' business, send me your family's business, and then maybe I'll get back to what's really important — stuff like gluing chest hair to my face, threatening to drink Chelada, and writing about it.

Thanks for your support.

- t

Please Give Me One Million Pennies

Yesterday I issued a desperate plea for Big Bikes readers to find me a job, and I was only semi-not-semi-serious. The crazy thing is that I actually got some response to my plea. Not in the sense that anyone said "Hey dickhead, I have a job for you," but in the sense that people emailed me with ideas or suggestions. That was nice. Some suggestions were totally insane, like Stevil's suggestion that I move to Santa Cruz and take one of the many bike industry-related jobs there. He tried to tempt me with the gruesome prospect of 70° Januaries. What? And miss out on the Ice Planet Hoth-like conditions that I'm enjoying right now.

I'm from New England and I don't watch mainstream sports; the only common language I have with other human beings around here is hatred of the weather. Israelis have Palestinians, Californians have Mexicans, and Bostonians have the weather. Make hurling around epithets about the weather a hate crime and you'd have another Boston Tea Party. Only this time we'd throw Dunkin Donuts "Boxes O Joe" into the harbor.

The only truly sane and reasonable suggestion I got on the employment front was from Kevin Sweeney, a man who only keeps his seldom-bordering-on-never-updated blog up so that other bloggers have something to link to. He put up a link to a story about Craig Rowin, a comedian who just asked the world for one million dollars — and got it. Watch the video, he is so utterly pleased with himself, he looks like...he looks like...well, he looks just like a guy should look just after he's been given a million dollars for no reason.

What he did was ridiculous. What's more ridiculous is that I would have settled for 1/100 of that amount. That's how much it would take to sustain Big Bikes until my alleged NUE gig with Cyclingdirt happens in April. There's an idea...if you know of an event, particularly one coming up semi-soon that would benefit from Cyclingdirt coverage, contact Cyclingdirt and request coverage...from me. Or just give me one million pennies, either way.

I'm so excited about covering the NUE series, I even made my own map (hey, I'm a very visual person). Things I'm kind of good at: writing, covering events, and drinking beer. Things I'm not really good at: Origami, relationships, and creating slick graphics.

What IS My Problem?

 

To the loyal Big Bikes readers, those who show up here regularly to watch me stumble around through life like a little-retarded-lost-lamb, things must seem a touch weird around the site these days, all the changes — contact forms, resume-type-things....it's all part of a plan. And, if you've been paying attention, you know I'm a great fucking planner. What it boils down to is this: I can't justify blogging right now, at least not here. I have been writing a lot over on BikeRumor, and  a lot of what I write there has a Big Bikes vibe to it. Check out the post below for links to some of what I think are my better posts. Of course if you ask your average BikeRumor reader, he'll tell you differently. He'll tell you that the post I did where I put up a photo of a Ti-Independent and wrote "Look...A Ti-Independent" was my best work. The mean-ass comments are tough to get used to as well, maybe more on that later.

My main problem is that I do not have a job and without a job I do not have justification to fuck off and blog or drink beer or ride my bike all day or do anything else that is worth doing really. So Big Bikes readers, your mission is simple: find me a fucking job. Or get one of your rich, CEO type friends to hit the donate button over there in a big way, and I will come back and blog full time.

Am I serious? No. Am I ever serious? No, not really.

But I am serious about not blogging. My time on the internet must be spent either writing BikeRumor posts that I get paid a very small amount for (when I actually get paid at all) or looking for work. 

Got suggestions, ideas, or thoughts? Hit that contact link. And just so you know, the joke that goes "I am going to call you a 'big fat jerk' because that's what it says on the contact link," that's already been done. 

Wow, Look At All The Awesome Stuff I Can Do!

This here, this is my demented idea of a resume page.

I am a multi-talented dude. I can travel, shoot video, write, blog, and conduct interviews. If I had a mutant power, it would be turning my own suffering into comedy. And suffering comes in all forms for me, from sitting next to loud eaters, to getting gored in the leg by a rhododendron bush. There's a gorgeous spectrum of suffering to be had out there.

Interview and Video Editing Work on Cyclingdirt:

I travel, race, take video, and do interviews for Cyclingdirt. A typical day will involve waking up at 5AM, interviewing racers for an hour, racing my mountain bike for 5 hours, interviewing racers for another hour or so, then sitting in a car outside a closed coffee shop, poaching their WiFi, editing hours of video, scarfing down a cold burrito, and then getting back to the house when everyone else is already asleep. Repeat.

• Adam Myerson Interview - Cycle-Smart International
• Johnny Bold Interview - Cyclesmart International 
• Cycle-Smart International Elite Men  Day Two Highlights
• Granogue 2010 - Elite Men Day One Highlights With Helmet Cam
• Granogue 2010 - Elite Men Day Two Highlights
• PMBSR Stage 5 Helmet-Cam and After-Party Highlights
• PMBSR Stage 5 Amanda Carey Post-Race
• High Cascades 100 Chris Sheppard Pre-race

Brek Epic Blogs on MountainBike.com:

In the summer of 2010, I was lucky enough to be chosen as a Blogger Grant recipient for the Breck Epic, a six day stage race in Breckenridge, Colorado. It was absolutely, freaking horrible, but I loved every minute of it. I blogged all about it for Mountainbike.com during the event.

• Breck Epic Day One "I can't Breath"
• Breck Epic Day Two "Pro And A Joe"
• Breck Epic Day Three "Burnt Out Seeking Sled Dog Tow"
• Breck Epic Day Four "White Knuckle On Wheeler Pass"
• Breck Epic Day Six "My Stinky Left Foot"

Article And Reviews for BikeRumor:

Much of the material I am presented with at BikeRumor is not inherently all that exciting in any way. I try to take something that might otherwise be boring and dry and make it into something funny and interesting. Sometimes this causes the clientele consternation, mostly because they really just want me to put up a picture of some shiny, expensive, new thing and go "Hey you! Look at this shiny, expensive, new thing!"

• Ergon GR-2 Grips Battle Tested At Pisgah Mountain Bike Stage Race
• Book Review: Bicycling Guide to Complete Bicycle Maintenance and Repair
•  Race To NAHBS: A Very Special Geekhouse Shop Tour
• Product Review: Osprey Viper 7 Hydration Pack
• US Consumer Product Safety Commission Proposes Rule Changes Regarding Bicycle Safety
• The Real Story Behind G-Form Brake Hoods and Over-Grips 
• Review of The Gore Alp-X Jacket With Video 
• A Facebook Photo of A Niner Air 9 and Some Silliness  
• Video of Liz Hatch Racing Skeletons Made More Interesting With Words!  
• Taking The Piss Out of The Bicycle Bungee  
• My Bicycle Holiday Wish List
• Stealing Air From Car Tires Is A Great Idea, You Should Totally Do It

Articles Done Pro Bono for NEMBA Singletracks:

NEMBA (The New England Mountain Bike Association), are the guys that make riding in New England happen. They advocate for land access, make sure trails stay open, maintain existing trails, and build amazing new ones. I try to get out to their events when I can, and I show my support by writing stuff for their member magazine occasionally. It's pretty sweet, NEMBA president Phillip Keyes let's me do whatever the hell I want to do over there.

• Planes, Pains, and sebaceous cysts the size of Kuatos

Podcasts:

 An under-utilized talent of mine is voice-over. After listening to these, you might think that it should be more under-utilized than it already is.

• Ultra Endure Guy Podcast Part I
• "I took some shit today for a classified ad on the Serotta forum today" Ultra Endure Guy Part II
• "Put Yourself On The Edge Of Yourself" Ultra Endure Guy Part III

Dirt Rag:

  I have written exactly one thing for Dirt Rag (though I'd like to write more), it was about the SSUSA/SSAZ race in Tucson, Arizona. Since they were nice/stupid enough to pay me real money for writing silly words, I will not be republishing the piece out of respect to them (and perhaps for legal reasons as well).


Race Promotion: 

 And hey, I don't just make stuff up and do crazy things on the internet, I actually do things that are real too. Things like co-co-promoting the most bad-ass-awesome grassroots 'cross race this side of Portland (that would be Oregon, not Maine). It's called the Ice Weasels Cometh. 

•  Write up on CX Magazine
• My promoter write up on the 29er Crew blog

Of course I do some of my best work here at the Big Bikes Blog, so check out the Big Bikes Top X on the sidebar for some of the more popular posts.

Wow, look at all the awesome stuff I can do! It is just nuts. Seriously. You or someone you know should hire me to do something. My perfectly reasonable aspiration is to be put in horrible situations where I am entirely miserable and be forced to write about them.

Contact Big Bikes

Got a subject you want me to cover or something you want me to yammer about? A product you want me to make fun of review? Or if you simply want to tell me what a stupid jerk I am more directly...

Send me an email.

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Bikes Bikes Mobile Bicycle Repair

 Why Use Big Bikes?

Basically we have more time and less over-head than your average bike shop. This means we take more care and spend more time on your bike because we don't have a back log of hundreds of bikes to get to after yours. It also means we can charge less. We pay retail for parts so we have no motivation to sell you things you don't need, we make all of our money on labor. Of course we also want you to come back, so we are going to do the best job possible, treating the bike as if it were one of our own with an eye toward preventative maintenance and longevity.

Tune Up - $45 (Best Deal in Town) A meticulous, thorough servicing of your bike.
A Big Bikes Tune-Up includes:

• Inspection of parts for wear — chain, cassette, tires, brake pads, cables, housing etc.
• Cleaning and truing (straightening) of wheels, airing-up and inspection of tires
• Cleaning of frame
• Lubrication and greasing of all applicable components — chain, cables, anchor bolts, etc.
• Adjustment of brakes along with scrubbing of pads — gives them a fresh braking surface)
• Adjustment of derailleurs — Making sure your gears work.
• Safety Check — we make sure the bar, stem, seat post, saddle and wheels are all tight
• Test-Ride — to make certain the gears don't click and that the brakes don't SQUEAK!

Big Bikes Tune-Up with pick up and delivery - $55 (A great deal, and way more convenient for you.) This price applies to the greater Somerville, Arlington, Cambridge, Medford, Belmont area. Price negotiable outside that area.

Unless you are an insanely rich dude with a habit for acquiring $12,000 bikes like they're Hummel Figurines, no shop will do this for you; Big Bikes will. Often the repair will be performed on the spot...weather and venue permitting.

Teach a Man to Wrench, House-call Tune-Up with Tutorial - $85

Yes it's a bit more expensive, but you will be looking over the mechanic's shoulder as he performs the repair, so the next time your bike requires service you will be able to deal with much of the work yourself. You will also learn all about the tools you need to execute basic bike maintenance, and any questions you might have will be thoroughly answered.

Add-Ons - $5 Each - Brake Pads, Chain installation, Cassette installation,Tube Installation, Handlebar Installation, Brake or Derailleur Cable Installation, Bar Wrap, Cutting of Steerer Tube, etc. This is a much better deal than any shop will give you.

After Hours (8PM-12AM) - $25 Additional Charge

Need your bike ready for the race tomorrow and your bike's a horrible mess? Call Big Bikes, we'll get 'er done!

Rush - $25 Additional Charge 
We drop everything and get your bike race or commute ready ASAP

 Contact Big Bikes

Ambien And Beer

The other night, I'm home alone, my wife has been in the hospital for a few days, I haven't slept at all, and I'm beginning to unravel. Me unraveling is a scary prospect; I've never been that raveled to begin with. Determined to get a decent night's sleep, I decide to take one of M's Ambien...and wash it down with a bomber of Sierra Nevada 30th Anniversary (9.2% alcohol by volume). I've often wondered why