Things are way to crazy and tight for a proper, yammering, train-wreck of a blog post this morning. So what I give you is this: my Pisgah Mountain Stage Race Preview on Cyclingdirt. Get used to looking at my contorted face and listening to my umming, aahing and nervous throat clearing, 'cause that's what's in store for you this week you poor bastards.
Alright, I think I'm Brecked out, but who knows, maybe some more Breck will come oozing out of my pores sometime in the next few days. And I better be Brecked out because it's time to get all stoked for The Pisgah Mountain Stage Race, which starts next Tuesday. I spoke to promoter Todd Branham on the phone last night and it was awesome, the guy got me completely amped to do this race. He used adjectives like "slow" and "hard" and "technical" repeatedly to describe the trails. There was some discussion of the "half-track" trails, singletrack so narrow that it seems un-rideable. There was a whole lot of talk about the differences between Breck and Pisgah. I know from my two Swank 65 experiences that western North Carolina's trails are much more similar to our trails here in the Boston-ish area.
Except with hills.
I mean, what the crap? Somehow the Pisgah race boasts MORE climbing per mile than Breck. I haven't done the math but it seems that way anyway. OK ya, you don't have to be Rooter to figure this one out: Breck has 37,000 feet of gain over 240 miles in six days; Pisgah has 40,000 feet over 175 miles in 5 days. AAH! Well, at least it's not at elevation. That was the only hard part about Breck right? No, not really. Once I'd acclimated, I'd be grinding up some awful climb going "yup, this would suck at sea level."
I really just came down here today to make excuses for why I wasn't going to be posting anything. Gotta head over to The Shop to finish getting the donation bikes ready for the kids.
I never quite got out all I had to get out regarding the Breck Epic, but now that topic is becoming less than timely and time is running out before, what is apparently, my next BIG EVENT. And for those of you who don't click the links because you're afraid I'm going to send you off to some under-age-gay-midget-porn site (again), what I linked to back there was The Pisgah Mountain Stage Race. I will be covering it for the Cyclingdirts, doing the annoying man with the camera thing. I am really hoping more Pro Men sign up, because this Demi-Pro is looking pretty shabby in the company of these bad, bad dudes:
Pro Men
Peter Butt Evan Plews Colby Pearce Chris Strout Drew Edsall Robert Marion Jeremiah Bishop
Hey, at least at this point I'm guaranteed a top ten finish! Top 8 even. Ozzie Peter Butt, who kicked lots of his namesake (sorry, how could I not do something with that?) out in Breck is in the Boston-ish area this week and allegedly we are going riding. Perhaps I can slip him a Ruffie and then dump ball bearings down his throat until his preternaturally skinny 6' 12" frame weighs as much as my 5' 10" frame. That way I might be able to hold his wheel on the climbs. God damn! He makes it look so easy. The only two times I saw him during Breck were both during the final, Gold Dust stage of Breck. I was amped up in the morning, so I stayed close to the front, making sure to ride with the guys who would destroy me and burn me out as quickly as possible. I rode with Peter for a while on the road while nursing my delusions of grandeur. Then, after I flatted, and I was ATTACKING the Boreas Pass climb with everything I had (everything I had was only good enough to get me half way up, where I imploded) this rider was bearing down on me like we were in the airport and he was running while on the moving sidewalk and I was walking backward while not on the moving sidewalk. I was relieved to see that it was only Peter Butt, returning to the course after getting lost. He was spinning away and chatting so I tried to hop on his wheel, he seemed to be just cruising along effortlessly, those twiggy legs moving at Cuisinart-esque RPMs. I found out pretty quickly that his pace was much higher than it appeared, and then I felt all ooky and wanted to take nap.
I haven't yet had the incredibly awkward, potentially contract-destroying conversation with my title sponsor about my intention to return to single-speeding full time in 2011. If the Mayans are right, and I have on year left to ride a bike, I want to do it all on a single speed. That and I'm slower and broker (10 speed chains are a killer) on gears. So I don't think I can sign up for the single speed class at this point and maybe, I say maybe avoid total devastation and embarrassment.
I had other stuff I wanted to talk about, but I think I'd rather talk about how I don't know a few of the guys on that terrifying Pro Men start list for the Pisgah Stage Race, and how, based on their names alone, they sound way, way tougher than I do.
First off, let's look at my name:
Thom Parsons
Not a tough name. If you picture that guy Bruce Buffer announcing a UFC fight, it is nearly impossible to imagine him announcing, "FIGHTING...out of the red corner...he's a mixed nut enthusiast, with a professional record of no wins, eighty-three losses, and five no-shows...standing five feet ten inches tall, weighing in at an un-toned one hundred sixty-seven pounds...FIGHTING out of Somerville Massachusetts...Thom 'Why Do I Have An H In My Name' Parsons!"
It just doesn't work.
But Chris Strout, that's a tough name. He wouldn't have to change his name to be a UFC fighter. Strout, it sounds like "shout" or "stout," it even has the word "rout" in it. Tough.
And Drew Edsall. The dude has the same first name as Drew Barrymore, and Drew Barrymore can do this:
You follow my logic?
Then there's Robert Marrion. His last name is the same as John Wayne's birth first name (but with an extra R, but who's counting?). Like a boy named Sue, John Wayne grew up quick and he grew up mean (and then he changed his name to a Man's name when he couldn't take it anymore) and Robert Marrion may have followed a similar path. Shit, he may have changed his name from Robert Mantooth or Robert Magnusson to Robert Marrion, just so kids would mess with him. He might be that freaking bad ass. I am not about to go pick a fight with him to find out.
You follow that logic?
There will be some more sprechen about the Brecken tomorrow, and other stuff.
