SSUSA - Two Crappy Videos of Crazy Crap

Dax Massey Bunny Hops a Fire Pit in Flip Flops from thom parsons on Vimeo.

Dax Massey, the winner of SSUSA (on the bike), hops the fire pit in flip flops.

Jake Kirkpatrick Ride The Flaming Beam of Death at SSUSA 2010 from thom parsons on Vimeo.

Jake Kirkpatrick, SSUSA 2011 host, rides the flaming beam of death.

SSUSA Ad Nauseum

I don't even think I'll be out of SSUSA pics by the middle of next week. That's what happens when you forget to turn your Helmet Hero cam off and take 999 photos (mostly of your hands and the ground).

Sometimes I felt like we were riding on the moon. I had the same sensation in Durango. This type of terrain is entirely alien to me.

Me and Keith: "is this thing on?"

Tracks...sweet, I'm not completely lost.

There were all sorts of users out on those trails, from dudes driving real live versions of an eight-year-old boy's automotive wet dreams, to ATV peoples, and guys firing off guns that sounded like howitzers at targets in the shape of deer. I wonder if after they kill the male deer (I think it's called a "John Deer") with these cannons, if they then go burn the deer village to the ground for good measure. They must really hate those deer.

Side note: I was heading out to school this AM and I saw a guy with hunting stickers plastered all over his 4 X 2 pick up, "GUNS DON'T KILL DEER - I DO!" one of them said. But...you kill the deer...with a gun. Unless he's a new breed of hunter who tackles animals and kills them barehanded. Now that would be totally bad ass. I would hunt if I could hunt like that. But I'd probably only hunt guinea pigs and de-clawed elderly cats.

Don't get me wrong, I think there's a deer population issue, and I'm pro-hunting, but not really pro-shooting-things-with-machine-guns-and-hanging-heads-on-my-wall-hunting. There I go, probably pissing off the entire state of Wyoming again.

Highlander

The other day M and I were driving down Mass Ave. I was going the speed limit, if not a little above, rolling up to the intersection with Mystic Valley Parkway. I was planning on taking a left turn at the light, so I was oriented accordingly on the roadway.

Then it happened.

That sounded more foreboding than it really was.

This dude comes blazing up behind us, gets right on my ass and starts getting all aggro. Then he cuts right and tries to out-run me (to the red light which we're less than a hundred yards from). Me being the inherently competitive dick that I am, I decide to match him, effectively blocking him, "shutting the door." He leaned out his window, screaming something at us and waving his fist. He was so committed to his belligerent course of action he didn't notice that while the left turn arrow that I was traveling toward had gone green, the light to go straight had turned red. He hesitated, half-stopping in the middle of a a busy intersection, then gunned it.

On the other side of the intersection he screeched a U-turn into a gas station and came out on Mystic behind us. For second it looked like he was going to pursue us, but no, he had just missed his turn and had needed to correct for it by looping through the gas station.

M asked if I was scared at any point, "no" I replied, "the guy's driving a Toyota Highlander."

I can see how he could have confused being "The Highlander" and being in a "Toyota Highlander."

Be careful out there.

Now...SSUSA photos with captions!


It was warm 70° day, but the streams were full of snow run off from the hills. This made for cold feet.

Dejay's idea of water stop. It's backcountry dude!

The early climb. There was a lot of socializing going on as we ground up the thing.
I tired to focus on how clean and clear the air was, how good it felt in my lungs,
not how farty and bloated I felt from the Dale's Pils I drank during the roll out.

Dejay's idea of a Le Mans start. Riders had to take their front wheels off, leave their bikes around a corner, and walk down the hill a ways. What I lost in the run I made up for with my quick-mechanic-quick-release-skills. And what I made up for with my quick-mechanic-quick-release-skills I lost with my crappy fitness on the climb.

Single Speed races are way more talky than normal-people races. Partially on a account of all the pushing the bike business. I learned a lot people's names and hometowns that day. And then totally forgot them.

SSUSA - The "Race Report"

"Where-post!"
"Where post? "
"There. "
"What?"
"THERE post."

Fat Tuesday Part IV

(And a bit of SSUSA)

Height - 5' 10"
Weight - 500 (up 332 Lbs., oops)
BMR - 5939.6 (now I can have waffle fry nachos three meals a day!)
BMI -71.7 (obesity is classified as anything over 30)
Weight Goal - 157 Lbs (ya right)



Wow, I was so spent from the tornado trip to Tucson that I couldn't even muster a lame, Monday—litany of excuses—post. And now, being the perpetually lame-ass that I am, I'm only going to talk about SSUSA regarding how it impacted my quest to make my optimum racing weight. It impacted it like a meteor made of bacon wrapped bacon. Maybe that had something to do with the weight gain—all that bacon wrapped bacon I ate after the race. Or the hot dog outside the Surly Wench. Or the pizza. Or the beer...no couldn't have been the beer. It must have been all that delicious rotisserie chicken we all ripped apart and devoured with our bare hands around the bonfire the night after the race. I felt like a frickin' viking, home from the battle, feasting on...gourmet rotisserie chicken. Vikings kicked a lot of ass and stole a lot of treasure. If anyone could've afforded fine rotisserie chicken; it would have been frickin' Vikings.

The full post will be up on the 29er Crew blog later in the week. Well maybe not the full post. I have plans for the full story. I think Bicycling might want to buy it, that is if I could work it into a piece called: "Get fat fast! Five easy steps to off-season weight gain." No, you're right, they probably won't buy that.

George has some thoughts and words on SSUSA though.

And no, I'm not even really going to yammer about Racing Weight today either. Truth is I haven't even picked the book up since last week, too busy reading for the school to get to it.

I am weak and spent and not at all my typical garrulous self, so I will now half-assedly caption these photos, eat some cheap carbs, and then pass out. I think I may have passed out halfway through writing this post. More words later...

There will be blood. Blood and prickly things stuck in my legs.

But it was a dry-not-16°-like-Boston-heat.

Now that's f-in' teamwork!
That's the kind of not-race it was.
A race with cattle gates in it.
Not a lot like a ski area race.

I have an aversion to cactus.

It might have something to do with the time I dove face first...onto a cactus.

Not on purpose.

A Stupid Plan

That's what this trip to Tucson, AZ for SSUSA is. No two ways about it. I leave directly from school at 12:30 tomorrow. I have just enough time to get to the airport, if all goes well. I don't even know what horrible thing is going to happen yet, but it's already sounding foreboding.


Chelada Challenge News
Before I go on, just in case you missed yesterday's post, you could go look at the post itself but here's the deal:

For every $50 that gets dropped into my Paypal account (donate button, upper right there) between now and tomorrow morning (Friday Feb 4th) by 11:00 AM, I will consume one tall boy of Chelada. DURING THE SSUSA RACE. What's that, it's too expensive you say? Exactly. I am not going to make this easy on you because it ain't gonna be easy on me. I will also be capping my intake at six cans. Just six cans OK. Only six. This doesn't mean that you have to donate $50 yourself, just so long as the total is $50. And to sweeten the deal I will be rounding up to the nearest $100. Which in my thinking means that if I raise $151 I will drink 4 tall boys of Chelada.

Documentation.
All my cameras are working and will be along for the ride with me. I will either be taking Helmet Hero footage or Canon Digital Elph video footage of the drinking of each can. That I promise...um, dude.

As of 10PM Thursday night we have raised exactly $0.00 toward our goal, I'm going to take this as a gesture of kindness on the part of Big Bikes readers and not as a sign of the unfathomable unpopularity of Big Bikes. People just don't want to see me ON VIDEO puking tomato/clam juice and beer into Dejay Birtch's ample sideburns in the Arizona desert. Hey suit yourself.

To honor Eric and Zen's donations to "my cause" I will drink at least one Chelada during the event. I'm still curious just how horrible those things are.

We now continue with our regularly scheduled program...

I realized about two hours ago that "my" bicycle hard-case (really my equestrian friend Deborah's. She now has a much larger hard-case for when she flies with her horse.) was missing. Seems I forgot to retrieve it after lending it out last time around. Thing is I hadn't even planned to use it. I had this brilliant idea that I was going to screw the airline while they were trying to screw me; only they have the fine print on their side.

I thought I could get away with splitting my bike into two small boxes: a wheel box and a frame box. I recall only getting charged the $25 (now) standard baggage fee for a wheel box when I went down to NC a while back. But just to be sure, I checked Delta's baggage guidelines. They go with the length + width + height must = 62 inches or less total so we can totally screw you equation. My wheel box was bigger than that. I'm pretty sure most suitcases are bigger than that, but they look at a suitcase and go "suit...case," they look at a small box and go "smaller...but...not...suit...case...me...want...money!"

If they deem that your luggage is oversize or "special" they will hit you with a $175 fee per item. AAH! That means if they nailed me for both items (which according to their demented rules would be well within their rights) I would end up paying $375 as a result of attempting to get of the $175 bike case fee. Even I am not quite dumb enough to play the odds on that one. Long story short...oh wait that is the long story, I opted to go with the bike case and walk into Delta check-in fully prepared for the brutal financial reaming that awaits me.

Now I just need a bike case. Right now I'm waiting for my neighbors Matt and Mo (ya I got awesome neighbors) to get home so I can steal one of theirs.

I'll get into Tucson around 10PM and head straight to The Surly Wench (not The Surly Wrench as I've been calling it all week) for registration and maybe a beer. I'll be heading to The bar in Randy Jacobs car, which will also be serving as my sleeping quarters. Depending on how things go or go off, I will either be sleeping (Tucson man-raper-and-murderers stop reading...now) outside The Surly Wench in Randy's Honda (hey Tucson man-raper-and-murderers you can start reading again but will you go ahead and tell the Tucson bike thieves to stop reading...now) with my Superfly SS locked to a pole outside (OK Tucson bike thieves you can start reading again. Hi Tucson man-raper-murderers, why are you still here? Why are you looking at me like that? You're freaking me out.). I may head out to Sooter's house that night or wait until the AM. Of course if somebody says "hey you can sleep on our couch as long as you promise not to make us look like assholes on your blog," I might take them up on it.

At some point I have to find time to put my bike together before the 9AM roll out. Ouch, why so damn early? Grr, I'm a tough single-speeder, I ride really, really hungover, grr, grr!" Then it's 47 miles of riding with my new best friends!

I leave Tucson for Boston at 2PM Sunday. Like I said, stupid plan.

Excuses for why I couldn't write a proper post Monday.

-t

Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?
Do You Really Want to Make Me Cry
(Tears of Tomato/Clam Juice, and Beer)?

Alright, I'm going to yammer this way and that and that and then make you people an offer that many of you will not be able to refuse (it involves making me suffer horribly...wait for it).

Sorry my bold claims from earlier in the week have proven false. No I will not be writing a book review of Bicycle Diaries by David Byrne this week. I promise I'll get to it soon. OK maybe promise is too committal of a word, how about, I swear I'm gonna do it...um, dude. And we all know that you come down here to read Big Bikes for the book reviews not to look at me taking my shirt off and doing Magnum P.I. impressions — "Now I know what you're thinking...". Ya, that's much more convincing with the jungle bird shirt, Detroit Tigers cap and mustache. For now I'll just tell you that I liked it and more importantly that Chip liked it and he's much smarter and more discerning than I am.

I have to apologize to the Harpoon ITT. My write up on the 29er Crew blog yesterday portrayed it in a pretty dark light. I lost count of how many times I used the word horrible to describe it. And it was horrible...for me. For almost everyone else it was awesome (except maybe for the guy who's bike I borrowed. He's probably still wiping beer and beer-reeking-sweat off his frame). The guys from Harpoon and Fast Splits did a great job with the thing, really impressive and well run. And man, those folks had to have worked 16-something hour days. It had to suck, but they were all smiling when I got there...twelve hours into their work day. Shit, I work at a bike shop and about six hours into my workday I'm ready to staple people's asses to their faces. That's just me though, everyone else at The Shop is really, really nice.

Here's the important part!

I'm bringing back the Chelada Challege.


Back in December I couldn't commit to drinking a six pack of Chelada during The Ice Weasels race. Not so much due to fear that I would get too drunk, throw up, and crash my bike into a tree. More out of fear of not being able to perform my very demanding race promoter duties (like heckling Colin on the mic).

This time it's different.

I am headed to SSUSA in Tucson tomorrow afternoon. It is a 47 mile Single-Speed race. It is going to be hard for a guy who's ridden his bike 47 miles...during the entire month of January. It is going to be hot by Boston in February standards, about 70°. I imagine I am going to be out there for over five hours. I figure if I'm going to go out to Arizona and suck it big time, I might as well provide some form of entertainment while I'm doing it. Here's what I propose:

For every $50 that gets dropped into my Paypal account (donate button, upper right there) between now and tomorrow morning (Friday Feb 4th) by 11:00 AM, I will consume one tall boy of Chelada. DURING THE SSUSA RACE. What's that, it's too expensive you say? Exactly. I am not going to make this easy on you because it ain't gonna be easy on me. I will also be capping my intake at six cans. Just six cans OK. Only six. This doesn't mean that you have to donate $50 yourself, just so long as the total is $50. And to sweeten the deal I will be rounding up to the nearest $100. Which in my thinking means that if I raise $151 I will drink 4 tall boys of Chelada.

Documentation.
All my cameras are working and will be along for the ride with me. I will either be taking Helmet Hero footage or Canon Digital Elph video footage of the drinking of each can. That I promise...um, dude.

No mas michelada con clamato, por favor!

-t

Bad Decisions

This won't be one of my typical posts, it'll be more like a tweet, or a facebook status update or even a, a...blog post.

Help me think this through. SSUSA is February 6th in Tuscon, Arizona, I don't have the time or money to go, but I still really, really want to go.

Things I have going for me (which are nice):

1. It's winter at the bike shop, so getting a weekend off is not a problem.
2. I have a bunch of Delta dollars I earned by volunteering to get bumped off a flight. They expire soon and this may be my last chance to use them. So my flight will be "free."
3. That's about it.
   

Things I don't have going for me (which are NOT nice):

1. I have been in school and have not really been working, so I am pretty broke.
2. I will be in school on the Friday preceding and the Monday following so it'll be tight.
3. The airline ticket might be "free" but taking my bike on the plane will not be (see #1).
   
4. I may not even be able to get in (which might actually fall into the "things I have going for me (which are nice) column, because it will save me from myself.

I'm just thinking out loud here. Well maybe not so much thinking as opening my mouth and letting things spill out of my brain onto the floor.

Perhaps (in my imagination) some magazine will offer to buy my EXCLUSIVE SSUSA STORY which will motivate me to pull the trigger and get my ticket to Tuscon.

Oh ya, and can I race SSUSA on gears?

Kidding.

-t